Melancholy...

Feelin a bit melancholy rite now... don't know why. I'm sick again :) Caught it from vijay. Was so tempted to ditch work and just stay at home with him but my conscience just wouldn't let me. So i went to work and felt terrible. Wnet home after an hour at work. What a waste of fucking time. I could have been sleeping all the while. Anyway, at least i had nice lunch/dinner. Oh and apparently my tonsils are swollen and i have wind in my tummy. And i'm supposed to drink lots of warm water (yucks) and eat porridge and bread for the next week (double yucks). Yeah... as if i'm gonna follow the doctor's orders.

Looks like i've got weekend plans :) Meeting up with the chickos for breakfast and a movie. Should be fun. Plus... we've finally decided to go to East Malaysia for my core leave. Will now put it to August. And hopefully the plan materialises!!!

Went out for a drink last night and i got into a massive arguement with vijay on why he was so adamant bout not wanting to bring me home. It's not that i would go back to his hometown with him but i jsut wanted to know that he wouldn't be ashamed to bring me home and show me to his family. Finally the explanation (and this came from his good friend - vinesh) was that it's hard for indians to bring home a girl of another caste, let alone another race. I can't remember what caste vijay's from but it's some land owner caste. Vinesh is kinda having the same problem since his girlfriend is this chinese girl too. Anyway, i dont' know whether the whole explanation is true but i bought it. Now i'm supposed to go back to muar with both of them and stay with vinesh and we're all just 'friends'. Right... as if i'm gonna go.

Urgh... looking around my room and it's such a mess. Another plan for the weekend. Clean up room. My shopping bags from last week are still on the floor with the purchases still in them. My laundry is still unpacked. Books that i've read are still lying on the table. My blanket is pushed into one corner of the bed. Crumpled tissues on the floor next to my bed courtesy of my runny nose. Ish ish.. i'm living in a pig sty!!! Where's a maid when i need one? Any volounteers?

Yawn...

I'm so bored right now. Everyone i know has gone for work. Yes.. even though it's a bank holiday in the UK some ppl have to go to work. And just so happened that my gang is working :( So right now, i'm at home passin time by writing on my blog.

This past weekend has been somewhat nice for me. Really enjoyed myself this weekend. Went clubbing on friday, woke up really late on saturday evening, went for dinner with sayang, met up with the voices dudes (really miss those guys) then going back home to sayang. Spent the whole sunday with him. We didn't even do anything on sunday. Just lazed around, went for lunch/tea, lamed around in midvalley for a while, wanted to catch a movie but the line was just too freakin long, went back to his apartment to get some dvds, got waylaid there for a while :), came back to my house, had dinner, watched 2 movies, lamed a bit more, talked a whole lot of cock, had supper then finally slept. What an interesting and productive day :) ANd i also think this is the fist time in a long while that i've spend the whole day with him, just the both of us. I feel really contented with myself. And with us. I'm really happy that the idiot has finally admitted that he loves me :)

Trying to figure out what i should do today. Think i'll go get a manicure. Then i'll go shopping for some clothes. Then some books. Need to stock up on books. Maybe get something for him. A pair of slippers or something since he's been eyeing Daryl's. Maybe catch a movie. Been wanting to watch Shrek2 for sometime now. Then come back and bask in the warmth of my shopping :) I am so lame. But it's things like these that make me happy sometimes.

I kinda miss home. But my core leave's coming up so think i'll just wait for another couple of weeks before going back home. Looks like i'm not going anywhere this year. Oh well, at least i can say i've already gone to RA and enjoyed myself. I really really wanna go back to Bangkok and just shop like mad. Felt really nostalgic hearing the kids talk bout bangkok and looking at the pictures of asians. Just felt like i wanna go back to those times.

Apparently there's some issue within the club that some ppl aren't happy bout the money being allocated for teams etc. And i was thinking how spoiled these kids are. That just because the club has money now after australs, everyone just wants a piece. What happened to the committed ppl of the club who would just pay to go for tournaments? Annu and I were just looking at each other and rolling our eyes. Farrah, Annu and i paid for ALL our tournaments and never complained one bit. Okay so maybe we did complain sometimes but we still paid and we went representing Voices MMU which is the most important thing after all. Now, just coz the club has money, everyone thinks they should be sponsored. Yeah right. First of all, the new kids don't even have the kind of committment and dedication we used to show. Second, they dont' know how hard it was for us to get sponsorship from uni and how hard we had to work just to prove ourselves. These kids have it easy and they still wanna complain. I'm really wondering what's gonna happen when the seniors graduate. Seniors like Tate, Balloons, Dengz... even ppl like Mac and Ed don't show enough committment. Who's gonna carry the ball next? The reason why the seniors are so dedicated is because they know how hard it was for the founders to build up Voices and to make it the debating society it is today. How all the unis in Malaysia look up to Voices coz of what we have achieved. How those from other unis wanna train with us. Whatever happened to pure love for the club? Treating the ppl in the club as your family. Coz that's what the ppl in voices mean to most of us. They're part of our lives now. Adn they're definitely more than just friends. I just hope voices doens't die out once the seniors leave. That would be so sad. And such a waste.

Do i wanna leave?

That question has been bugging me for the last 2 months. Do i wanna leave the company? And i still don't have the fucking ansewr. I applied for the internal opening and i'm really hoping that i get it. I really really want that position. But the BCB ppl finally called me and they want me to start 1st July. Which means if i take this job i would have to pay the comapny back at least a month. A few other ppl have said it would be better to move on to better things. And sometimes i think that's right. But other times, i'm just so happy there. I'm alrite with the job. I know my job well. Ppl respect me and look up to me. My managers are alrite with me. I've got great friends. And i'm thinking, if i'm so happy, why leave? Isn't personal satisfaction more important than anything? But someitmes i feel so restless. LIke i can be doing so much more with my life.I can be doing somethign so much more challenging. Sigh.. i really dont know. I feel like i've hit a rock in my life right now. Whether to still cling onto that rock or let go and let the current sweep me away to other places. I realise that i've got several of these type of posts before... but like i said... the question of moving on has always been there but i just don't how to answer it.

Paranoia?

Ever been worried when you find out a friend has the hots for the guys you're with? I recently found out that this friend from work likes vijay. I dont' know if she just wants to do him or she really really likes him.. but i'm really bothered by it. I mean, she's my friend and all and we go clubbing together... so it's really weird for me. He knows that she likes him too but he assures me that he doesn't like her and i believe him. But the nagging feeling is just there. And i know she tried to hit on him once already when i wasn't around... or more like she kissed him! Luckily he had the rational to pull back even though he was massively high at that time. So now i'm left wondering if she'll pull that kind of stunt again. And what if he's not that rational the next time? Sigh... I know i cant' do anything bout it but... i just feel really really bothered by that fact. Everytime when i'm with him and she's around, i can feel her looking at us. Even that night when we went clubbing and me and him were just together. And when we were back in the apartment with everyone else and i was being 'manja' with him. Aargh... I hate this feeling. I mean, she's a nice girl and she's a friend and i know it's not her fault if she likes him but still...!!!

On another note, the mmu kids lost in the quarters. Tough luck. And it's an Atenean finals. Ish ish... thank goodness we didn't go crazy and just fly up there.

Had the company launching of the new building today. Everyone was just so dressed up! Including yours truly of course :) Wore my new saree and all.


I feel so pretty...

Woo Hoo...

Damn.. last night was one of the best clubbing nights ever! Went to voyeur in bangsar but the crowd there was very thin at first and i was thinking 'okay... this looks boring..' but then we got a bottle of JD and just started drinking anyway. Bought tequila shots for everyone coz it was freakin cheap. The night really started swinging when we danced on the podium... hehehe... Then, we actually danced on the bar top! Just like coyote ugly! Heehe... and we got free tequila shots for that. Just for dancing on the bar top! Man.. i never imagined myself dancing like that anywhere! The whole night was just amazing. And obviously i got myself swinging in a way i haven't swung in quite a while :) But he was really attentive to me and took care of me and shait. Even in his apartment when everyone else was still drinking. He opted to stay with me when i felt really really sick. That's when i realised how much he actually cares for me. No matter all the bullshit he tells me, he cares for me. A lot. And I'm really happy to know that.

Anyway, today is recovery day. Don't feel like doing anythign except eat and sleep and laze around the house, watching tv or just some light reading. My calfs ache from all the dancing in high heels. I realised i kinda tore my skirt too and i have no idea how that happened. Damn. And i really liked that skirt.

No news bout the breaking teams in Asians yet. I really really hope both teams made it to the semis. That would be fucking elite. They're probably at the championship dinner now. I so badly wanna be there!!!

2 Teams broke!

Fuck! MMU 1 and 2 broke! I feel so proud! And i'm really tempted to fly up to thailand just to watch them debate the breaking rounds. Pity bout MMU 3 though. 5-3 and they didn't make it. Oh well... all of them are still young.. many many more tournaments to prove themselves. Can just imagine the euphoria all of them are feeling right now. I wanna be part of it too!

Tired...

I'm so tired. Just got back from playing futsol. Seems as if that's the 'in' thing right now at the office. Everyone's playing it. Won our game. Hehehe... so we've got bragging rights on Monday!

Stupid BCB ppl told me that my status is still KIV. I was like 'What the fuck?!' but i just kept quite coz they might still want me and i'll just patiently wait for their call... again. This sucks. Just when i thought i could hand in my letter of resignation. Oh well. Let's just hope the internal opening thingy goes well.

Monday's the launching of our new building with Pak Lah coming over. I can't believe i passed up a chance to talk to the guy. But what the hell. I'm not so into these things. Will be wearing some traditional baju. Hope i look good!

Been pretty busy this week. Work wise. Social life too. :) Might be going clubbing tomorrow night. Hopefully. And i've got netball selections tomorrow too. Don't know if i'll go for that but.. we'll see.

The kids are in bangkok right now. I wonder how many teams broke. The plan was to fly up there if 3 MMU teams broke. Oh fuck... i couldn't get leave for the BEP concert. Farrah will begoing with a friend. I'm so jealous. I really really wanted to go. My boss sucks.

I'm rambling. My mind ain't functioning that well right now. Probably coz my head got hit by a flying football just now. It's also late. I could be having breakfast in a while. I'm so so tired.... Need sleep now....

Yay!

Yay! I finally found a way to put pictures up on my blog! Horray for me.. and i did this all by myself...


Don't I just look cute? :)

Moving on

I suddenly have this insane urge to move on with my life. I feel that my life has hit a rock and i'm just stagnant. Not moving anywhere. I just want to get on with my life. Move on in my career. Move on from pandian. Just a general shift and change in my life. I also feel like leaving my company really badly. I just feel that i can't go anywhere from where i am now. Even if it means starting all over again, i want to make that step. I just want to prove myself capable of surviving. I just want to do somethign in my life. I want a job that would enable to me use my brains every single minute. To keep me on my toes all the time. To be ready and sharp and on the edge. I just feel so restless right now. I wanna do something! Anything! Called the BCB ppl today but the lady who spoke to me ain't around and will only be back on Monday. So will try again on monday. Am also applying for a position which opened. Don't know what my chances are of getting it. After all, there'd be tons more ppl applying and only 2 vacancies. But then again, it's not something i really wanna do anyway. But just trying my luck anyway.

I've moved on from Kiley. I just think he and this gf are just being extremely childish, paranoid and neurotic. Everyone's been saying to let him do what he wants and he'll realise soon enough how stupid all this is. Oh well... I'd like to thank everyone for their support though... Everyone's been really helpful and supportive.

Jeebers... I feel like drinking all of a sudden. Drinking, smoking, partying. I've become really addicted to that lifestyle. Every week I just feel like going clubbing. But unfortunately, me finances can't keep up. :) Add the shopping and there goes my $$. Just looking at my credit card statements every month is enough to make me just stay at home.

Was having a chat with Farrah yesterday after work. We just sat and talked bout life, our jobs, lovelives etc. Talked about staying on our own. And the thought of staying by myself just sounded so appealing. I really want to get like a studio apartment and just move in there by myself. I can decorate it anyway i want to. Don't have to worry bout the place getting dirty coz it's be ME dirtying it anyway. Man.. if i can find a place like that for 300 bucks... i'd shift in there right away! So if anyone knows a place like that... do let me know :)

Friends

I've just lost a friend. A really good friend. All because his current girlfriend is 'bothered' about him being so close to me. And so she wants him to end his friendship with me. And he did.

I'm now sitting wondering how stupid he is. And how stupid she is. First of all, we've been apart for over 2 years now. Secondly, we're not even on the same bloody continent. He's in Australia and i'm in freakin Malaysia. How threatened can she feel?!?!? I'm feeling really really angry rite now. If i can see him right now i'd just about punch his stupid face.

I've known the dude for nearly 7 years.. and he's just gonna throw it all away for her. I can understand how she might feel insecure and shit but it's not like we're in close proximity or anything like that! Jeebers!!! I really really don't know what to say. I'm just speechless.

I thought i knew him. But i guess ppl change. And since he's in a new relationship i guess all he wants to do is make her happy. But not at MY expense as well! A year ago, he wouldn't have contemplated such a thing. I just dont' know him anymore. I suppose the year in Aussie has changed him. NOt only physically but emotionally as well. Fuck him. I'm so so disappointed in him. We've stood by each other all these years and now suddenly i'm not suppoesd to be his friend anymore. What the fuck?!?!?

He tells me that he really treasures our friendship and that i'm really special to him etc but he says all that has to be put in the past. She doesn't like me being friends with you so this is goodbye. What the bloody hell fuck??!??!?!?! I just wanna curse right now. ANd he tells me please try to understand. Understand what? The fact that we're in different countries but she still feels insecure? The fact that i'm not even the least bit interested in you romantically and vice versa but she still feels threatened? Understand what?!?!?! There's bloody well nothing to understand. Understand that you're throwing our friendship away just coz your partner doesn't like me?!?!?

I'm running out of energy... I'm just so very very sad now...

PHD...

Still suffering from PHD. Oh well, all good things must come to an end. Sucks though. I keep thinking if only we had a few more days there. Damn. Anyway, have got the photos uploaded onto my shutterfly account. Can't do it on fotopages. It keeps hanging when i try uploading em onto fotopages. Anyway, this is the link:

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeANGrVszaOWruQ

I was just recalling back the trip and trying to figure out which part/day was the funnest and i realised the whole trip was equally fun. As in, nothing surpassed each other. From day one to day four... everything was just perfect. The part where we got called the anal car coz we didn't stop anywhere, the expensive but delicious sotong, the trip to Kuala Terengganu, the struggle with Botex, Garage, Syl and Farrah when they dragged me into the sea with my denim shorts on, the sight of the dudes naked (not a pleasant sight i tell ya), the BBQ, the thanni sessions, the burning questions we asked each other, the soul searching by the beach, the mooning and flashing, the boat ride to pulau kapas, the snorkelling itself, laughing at thiru aka landak boy when he stepped on some sea urchins, getting burnt and suffering the effects now.... Sigh.. i gotta say, thanks so much dudes for making this whole trip a success. Wouldn't have been the same if the company was so elite and cekap :)

Was just reading the other dudes blogs and everyone was just writing about RA. Hehehe... we all had fun. The trip had a really lasting impact on me. Ooh.. forgot to mention that i came out in the NST. There was a reporter from NST there on our last day and was interviewing Syl and I about why we chose to come to Rantau etc... The article is really small and there's a really bad picture of me there.. but hey.. how many ppl can say they were in the papers? Oh yes, we also came up with a plan in the future. The ppl of the RA trip will be opening a resort! And we each have a role to play. It was extremely funny talking about it. Adn it would be really elite if it came true. Imagine having a business with your best friends and growing old with them too. Hehehe...

On another note, went to play futsal last night after work. Was a bit apprehensive at first coz i've never played the game before. But there were a few other girls and it was real fun. Tiring but fun. Got elbowed in the head by nantha and now there's a bruise on my forehead. Hopefully i can hide it with makeup later. Jeebers.. imagine going to work with a bruise in the middle of my forehead. LIke kena abuse or something. Hehehe.... Juliana and I are a bit scared of the match on saturday. We were watching the guys playing among themselves and they got really rough. Even when we were playing with them it was pretty ganas already. Worst part is, there'll only be one girl in our team at a time. Meaning we'd have to play without each other! Jeebers... i figured i just gotta be brutal as well and hope that some of the guys will be soft hearted enough not to bang me. Coz i'm pretty sure i'll just go flyign into the net!

AAH.. .the bruise on my head is becoming more painful as i touch it. Jeebers....

Post Holiday Depression

We're back from the East coast. And now suffering from a post holiday depression. This is the part where i'd have to return back to reality. No more enjoying myself and just ignoring the rest of the world. Oh well... time to get on with life.

The whole trip was just surreal. Extremely surreal. Had shit loads of fun with the gang. I first wanted to post the entire trip starting from day one to the last day but now i'm thinking i don't wanna do that. Just feel like keeping those memories in my head and holding them close to my heart.

I can't even begin to describe the beauty of the beach and the sea. The sight and sound of the waves hitting the shore was just absolutely breathtaking. The friendliness of the resort owners just made us feel so at home. The bbq dinner we had, the swimming together, the snorkelling trip... everything was just perfect. No plans were made but everything just fell into place nicely. No one got irritated. No one got pissed off. No one was whining. No one was complaining. It was just perfect. Sigh...

And so now.. i'm gonna try uplodaing the gazillion photos we took. I am just feeling so nostalgic right now...

RA here we come!

Finally, our rantau trip is materialising. AFter weeks and weeks of planning. Pretty excited bout it. Although i know i'm gonna be a zombie during the drive there coz going clubbing tonight but never mind... the company will be great! :) Gonna take loads of pictures! ALready got my pareo and hat and swimsuit... so i'm ready!!!

On another note, i'm pretty ticked off at stupid pandian. He can be such an arsehole.

Regarding the job offer, they haven't called me back!!! I'm now wondering how long does it take to prepare an offer letter? I mean, they can't call me and tell me i've got the job and then not call me back for the offer letter right? Jeebers, i'm now thinking if it's really this lembap, how is it gonna be working there? Oh well, at least i still don't have to decide yet.

Oops, gotta dress for work now. Rantau abang and the penyus... get ready for voices!!!

Sick sick sick...

Urgh.. i hate being sick. Hate that funny taste in my mouth which i can't wash off no matter how much water i drink. Jeebers.. haven't been sick in a while. Stayed home from work today. Didn't know i could sleep that much :) At least i did something productive as well. Swept my room and changed the bedsheets. Sneding clothes to laundry tomorrow.

Gosh, i can't wait for the RA trip. I don't know why but i just feel it's gonna be a blast. Wish more ppl were coming though. Ppl like Logan, Sumi...It'd be just like old times if they come. The gang complete again.

I feel so shitty rite now. As in physically. Throat hurts. Can't stop coughing. Nose running. And no one to jaga me right now.
:( But he's coming over... so.. just gotta wait for now. And i need to eat real food!!! Have been eating biscuits and nestum the whole day. Easily digestible food, so the doctor says. Gimme some meat anyday!!! A ciggie would taste so good rite now. Quite happy that i'm able to control the amount i smoke.

Ish ish.. i'm rambling. And this post may not make sense. BUt my mind just ain't functioning properly rite now. Actually, the world seems as if it's a little topsy turvy thru my eyes. Cna't even type properly. BUt just needed a place to babble and ramble.

This dude said i looked like a gangster yesterday at work. Hehehe... i couldn't stop laughing. He said i look like a tai ka cheh. So i told him not to mess with me. Since i'm a gangster and all. I'm so full of shit. And crap. How can ppl stand me! I am also very very bored. No one's home rite now so i've got no one to talk to. Called my bestest fren back in penang just now. And got updated with news and gossip :) I need to go back home and hang with my frens back home. Haven't seen htem in a long while now. Sometimes i get too preoccupied with my life ehre and neglect my frens back home. Feel really guilty when they ask when i'm coming back and how come i dont' go back to meet up with them etc. Need to make it a point to go back home at least once a month to hang and chill with them.

I'm playing futsal. For my process. Against other processes. They need one girl in each team and no one wanted to join so when nanthan asked me, i just said okay. And now i'm seriously regretting it. Have no idea how to play. I'm still laughing at myself for saying yes. But i was quite happy that they all think i'm really sporting and all. Oh how much my colleagues love me :)

Saw that stupid girl at work yesterday and got all pissed off and irritated again. She just looks like such a slut. Can't stand the sight of her. And the way she was dancing with him!!!!! Just makes my blood boil. Hmph! Was quite happy that he got tension when i was dancing with the white dude :)

Oh Gosh... this post is just so full of crap. Tired now. Wanna go lie down. Darling where are you?!?!?!?!

Retail therapy

There's nothing more soothing and relaxing than retail therapy. I would seriously recommend this to everyone who's got a bit of money to spend and is just feeling down and confused. Go to a shopping mall, try on clothes that you like and just buy em. Don't think. Just get the cash/card out and get that item. You would feel SO good after that. Get something outrageous too. And then wear it the next time you go out. :) Spent a whole lot of money today. But it felt good. Feeling slightly guilty right now... but never mind :) And what better way to end the day than having a stick.

I'm really glad that the Rantau Abang trip is happening. It would feel extremely good to just get out of KL and go to a place i've never been and just chill out. I can just picture it right now. Sitting on the beach with nothing but my swimsuit and pareo, an ice cold beer in one hand and a ciggie in the other. The wind blowing through my hair, listening to the soothing sound of waves hitting the beach and taking in the magnificent sunset. And who better to enjoy all those things with than my kawan-kawan?

Don't wanna think bout this job thingy for a while. Was pretty messed up the whole weekend and i just wanna chill right now. Thank God for friends who took me out shopping :) Gonna talk to my boss tomorrow and see what my chances are in the company. I am just so afraid of starting over again. Having to make new friends again. Learning a new trade all over again. And i've just got a million things running thru my head. What if i screw up at my new job? What if i can't make new friends? What if ppl don't like me? Will i still have a social life then? What if i can't adapt to my new job? What if i regret leaving? This dude that resigned from the company and is now working elsewhere said something the other day that made me wake up. We asked him how it's like working elsewhere and he said 'Welcome to the real world'. And it is so true. Working in HSBC is nothing like what i've heard bout the working world. There's no overtime. No pressure. You go in to work at 3 and you leave at 12. That's all. EVeryone is just so sheltered. We're like in our own world. Everyone knows everyone (at least i used to - stupid company is now so big). Everyone i know loves me and cares for me.

Sigh... deep inside, i know what the right decision is. But i'm just putting it off till i've spoken to more ppl. Oh man... I'm just so afraid. What if i can't make new friends? What if the ppl there don't like me? What if i screw up and make some company lose millions of dollars? Shit. Corporate banking. NO joke man. I know it'd definitely be a good experience. If i move there it's not coz of the money. Obviously there's a salary jump.. more like a hop but it'd be good for my CV. Imagine the fields i can go to after that. I can work in any bank. It'd be a good career move i guess. I dont' know. I really don't. Sigh...

I'm just gonna dress up now, go to work, and try to enjoy my day. BTW, i would also recommend to get your nails done. Had a pedicure and i feel so pampered and girly rite now with pretty toes :)

Tick.. tick.. tick..

That's the sound of my life right now. I've got until next week whether to accept the new job or not. Haven't talked to my parents about it yet. Just keep putting it off. Have told a few ppl though. And i've got differing opinions. So now i really don't know what to do. This sucks!! I hate having to make life changing decisions!!!

Another friend resigned yesterday. Not someone very close to me but we started work together and she was in my induction class. During her farewell, i kept imagining how MY farewell would be :) Would there be a lot of ppl who would come? Would ppl be sad that i'm leaving? Would anyone cry for me? Would i cry?

On another note, i got hit on by some dudes in the club last night. Jeebers... it's been a while and let's just say it felt quite flattering :) Pretty happy with my social life right now. The comfort level that i've already achieved in my present company is so high.. it's really gonna be hard if i have to leave. All my friends... my clubbing kaki.. my 'ane'... And if i work in BCB, there goes my clubbing life! Oh man!!!

I'm just so confused right now... Can someone just give me an answer?!?!?!?!?

Shaitz...

I got the freakin job. Now what?

He called

He called me today. From his home in Muar.

I thought i found peace within myself. I really thought i did. I was fine for the past week after coming back from home. Did some soul searching back home and came back to KL with a free mind and an unburdened heart. Even when he wanted to come see me, i told him no. But then he needed help. So being the caring friend i am, i said alrite. And he came. And i was sitll fine. Distant, cool, but friendly. However, looks like i ain't such a good actress after all. He sensed there was something wrong. And obviously asked me about it. And being me, i said 'NO there's nothing wrong' like a zillion times before he finally pried it out of me. I told him it was work. But he still wasn't convinced tht was the whole story. And finally i told him. I just poured everything out. And the best part was, i wasn't even angry. I was just pasrah.

He was hurt by some of the things i said. But i couldn't care less. Coz that was how i felt. And i told him that he's always trying to find excuses. He held my hand and said that's not true. I tried to take my hand back but he wouldn't let go. And then we were quiet for a long while and i fell asleep. Was drifting between slumberland and consciousness when he called my name and turned to me. And then the things he said just melted me. Just blew away the wall that i had put up for the whole week. Just reached into my soul and messed everything up again. And once again, we slept in each other's embrace.

But i'm not hoping for anything. With him, i've learnt not to expect. Learnt not to hope. If he keeps to what he says then it'd be really good for both of us. But if he doesn't, then... it'd just be like how it is rite now. Time to build that wall again.

On another note, i've got black hair now. And let me just say, there's nothing sexier and more elegant than soft, black hair. :)

Good night

Another day, another week. Good night world.

Wearing experience

Urgh... everytime i come home, i'd feel damn happy. Happy to be back in my home, see my family, sleep in my room etc. But after a while, it gets really really wearing. On my nerves! I mean, i understand that all they wanna do is make my stay comfortable and they want me to eat good food and so but why can't they just leave me alone for one second?!?!?! And they keep asking me to eat! And eat! And just to please, i'd eat. Even though i'm freaking full! Sigh, I mean, sometimes i just wanna read a book or watch tv and don't feel like talking or eating but no... they'd have to talk and talk and talk and nag and complain (especially the nagging.. i can't stand the nagging!!!) until i feel like tearing my hair out! So sometimes, i just give one word answers or better yet, don't answer at all, and then mum will complain how come i don't talk to her like her other friends' children. And then i'd feel bad. But yea, i can just imagine telling my mum my escapades and how i'm in a physical relationship with a dude and that i just recently got so high, i couldn't stop dancing and flirting. Imagine what she would say then! Why can't they just understand that i just feel like being anti social once in a while?

So i'd feel like going back to KL as soon as i can. Then, when i reach KL, i'd feel bad for not spending enough time with my family, for not talkng enough to them. But they just irritate me so much at times!!! AARGH!!! Ish... the ups and downs of being home. Forget the last post, man bout feeling good being home. That feeling lasts about maybe a day. Jeebers. I guess i've been living away from home for too long. Living alone too long now that family fawning gets tiring. Either that or maybe it's just me. I'm weird. I yearn for company but at the same time, i wanna be alone. What's wrong with me? I always end up feeling bad and guilty when i leave home and go back to KL.

Anyway, i'll be leaving soon. So just to please em, i'm going to have to go downstairs and.. u guessed it.. eat. How not to get fat?!?!?!?

Home sweet home

Aah... it feels real sweet to be writing from my home. And i mean home. Not house, not room, not apartment... but home. As some of my friends have put it before, home is where your family is. Started from SK at around 10 something and reached home at 2 something. During the drive i realised i need new cds. Getting bored with the ones i have already.

BCB called me up for an interview this wednesday. The position is for a corporate banking executive. God knows what that is all about. As long it's not sales. Anyway, it sounds pretty alrite. Had a phone interview before they called me again. I'll just go and see what it's about. Hopefully it's something really good :) Only problem is it's at 10 am. And i'm not too sure how to get there. Good God.. imagine if it's really something better and i get accepted. Wow. But i'm not gonna think about it. Don't wanna get any hopes up at all. I just want my stupid company now to announce the bonus and increment so that i'd at least know what my next step will be.

Was thinking of going to Yayasan Salam and seeing what kind of program is available. The thought of going to camobodia or wherever sounds really tempting. I feel like i wanna do something with my life. Somethign different. Something that may be able to help others and make a change. I can just imagine telling my parents that i'll be going to God knows where to do volunteer work. :)

Have i written that it feels really good to be home? Really, there's no place like home. No other place i just wanna hang, watch tv and eat home cooked food.

Drunkards and Hangovers

Oh man... I woke up this morning and had a massive hangover. There goes my plan of driving back home today :) But the hangover was well worth it. Had an extremely good time at Waikiki's. And i mean a REALLY good time. If you know what i mean... And i'm such a kudi-kari. And i realised i know quite a bit of Tamil. Not bad Hele, not bad. I also realised i can be somewhat of a flirt too :) BUt only when i'm high of coz. Also, i think i'm quite the cupid. Hmm... looks like i discovered stuff about myself last nite. What a night, i tell ya. Nothin like the high feeling one gets when one has imbibed a wee bit too much alcohol. Man, i haven't felt like this in a long while. The drinks, the dancing, the company, the flirting, more dancing, more drinks, socializing... to relive last night again :)

Pictures

Just thought i'd put up the link to my photos.


http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b37084d1a45d (work pictures)

http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b3716ff4c4d9 (eastin party)

Monday's over!

Yay! I got thru this bloody day! Don't know why but today was just especially bad for me. I don't usually feel like this every monday but i just woke up today and thought 'fuck...' Anyway, went to work and very nearly went back home early on the pretense that i was sick :) Unfortunately had no one to pick me up from work so i stuck thru the day. Thank God for irritating colleagus who just irritate you just much until you have no choice but to energize yourself to scold them :) And also gossip mates who fill your ears with the latest updates in the company ie who's dating who, who likes who etc. What can i say... i have a great bunch of colleagues who just somehow manages to entertain me and get me thru days like these.. when the thought of going to work is just so unbearable.

And so right now, to celebrate the end of monday (for me at least), i'm gonna curl up under the blankie, watch old episodes of Simpsons, drink milk and eat chocolate chip cookies. Sounds just about perfect.

Monday blues

Woke up with a splitting headache, sore limbs and the thought that i have to go to work. I hate mondays....

Aches and Pains

My whole body is fucking aching. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My belly hurts. Thanks to netball yesterday. Yes, I actually played netball. After God knows how long. And i realised how fucking unfit i am. Felt so damn tired after just playing for a while. But it was fun. Tiring but exhilirating. Nothing like exercise and fresh air.

But now i'm suffering from the aftereffects. Tired and strained muscles. Even typing is taking some effort. I just feel immersing myself in a tub of warm water filled with bubbles and having a good book to read. Unfortuantely, no tub and no good book. I need to go book shopping really badly.

On another note, celebrated sylvio's b'day last night. Had the most amazing bak kut teh ever :) Of coz since it was accompanied with great company and interesting conversation, the meal was just spiced up even more. After the amount of meat, we moved on to dessert. And what better dessert than McDonald's ice cream :) Plus, we had syl's b'day cake which was this moist chocolate cake. Yum... Man do i feel fat now! And what better way to end the night by hanging out with your girlfriends, watching a movie, taking cock and then finally meeting the one you like and going to sleep with his arms around you and a smile on his face.

Everytime i say i wanna pull away, i get sucked back in. I'm such a ninny and a sucker. But what to do... I'm currently hooked on him. At least now i know where i stand with him. So let's just hope i meet my prince charming really soon!!!

Two friends around me have gotten themselves on the 'relationship' train. And seeing them in love and happy makes me so envious at times. I mean i used to be like that. :) I look at Annie and i feel really happy for her. Happy that she's found someone she can connect with after so long. That she's found someone after thinking she's gonna end up alone. With Melissa though, it's a bit weird. Considering the fact that the dude just told me he liked me like about a month ago. I'm really wondering if she knows bout that little incident in PD. :) ANyway, it's not my problem but it's just weird la.

Ooh... speaking bout weird... reading bout your ex-boyfriend getting together with another girl is weird! Yes, Ed seems to be getting together with Evonne. And reading bout it is making me feel really really off. I mean, i don't want the dude but it's just really weird reading how much a girl likes your ex-boyfriend, and what they did and where he took her etc. And to read bout him taking her to a restaurant where I took him to... is even weirder. I guess i'm just a little sore that he's in a relationship. And that she's still so young and filled with romantice dreams and that life is still a bed of roses for her. When i'm already disillusioned with love and life and just so jaded. Oh god.. I'm so old and bitter! :) Look at what age does to you.

Sigh... i've come to realise that actually friends are all i need now. And i've got a bunch of really great and wanky friends. So sylvia, happy birthday to you and here's to more b'days we'd celebrate together!

Empty and meaningless

Ever felt that your life was just so meaningless? That you're just living from day to day, hour to hour doing mundane stuff that don't carry any meaning at all to your life? Sigh, this past week has just felt like that. Just felt like everything in my life is meaningless. I'm not donig anything to change the world. Even my attempt at being a polling agent to ensure a fair elections was met in vain. I wonder what's the reason we exist? Are we supposed to make a difference? Or is it all just about shaping and moulding your own life? Is it about finding what you're best at and doing that thing? Or about finding your soul mate and sharing your life with that person? Will life get better once you find your soul mate? And what's this soul mate thing? Is there really a person out there who's yours? Is there really a someone for everyone? Considering the ratio of men to women.. highly impossible.

Was just doing some thinking last night. Sitting on my bed in my dark and hot room (due to the fact a fuse blew in my house) and just pondering upon the meaning of my life. My job sucks, and yet i'm in a position too comfortable to move. My love life sucks, and yet i'm still hanging on to the thought that maybe it'd change. My financial status is measly, and since it's connected to my sucky job, it doens't look like it's gonna change till i change jobs. And i realised, i'm really good at whining and complaining. At least to cyberspace. So, instead of whining about my sucky life, i'm now gonna take a stand and change. Time to move on.
So here's a list of things i'm gonna do:

1. If no advancement come April, hand in resignation letter and look for better prospects.
2. Stop hoping for a change with vijay and just be friends.
3. Look for part time jobs during weekends.
4. Join NGOs or charities and help out during weekends (if part time job doesn't work out).

Now all i have to do, is make sure i keep to the game plan.

Thought i'd post about my day at F1 but a picture speaks a thousand words. So, here's a link to the photos i took.

http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b37224646510

Disillusioned

The next blog was supposed to be bout my experience at F1 and how it was like being in the VVIP rrom with excellent service and food. However, that experiece pales in comparison to what happened during election day. And so i will write bout elections first.

Was contacted by Bill to help out and become a polling agent for Keadilan. It was defintely a good move that i agreed to help. I now realised how fucked the whole electoral process is. And how cunnign and sly certain parties can be. And to what extent ppl will go to just to win. I was just amazed and shocked to hear all the stories told by an ex-BN man. And to actually see how biased the EC ppl are during elections was just shocking. Plus the fact that our votes ain't anonymous just added to the whole pile. To think that all my life, i've believed that this voting process was fair and our votes were anonymous and that our government actually just wins fair and square.

How would your reaction be if you found out that there are 96 ppl registered under the same address just so that they can vote for that constituency? So that a winning number of votes is assured if they can pull ppl out from a sure win consituency to another. What about the fact that the polling clerks write your serial number on the counterfoil of your ballot slip so that your vote aint' a secret anymore and that they can trace back your vote anytime? What about during kira undi time, a blackout might suddenly occur and extra ballots are placed into the box when it's dark and everyone else is still blur? What about changing the number of votes on the Borang after the counting's done to ensure that you either won or won by a higher margin? And this last one really takes the cake. In rural areas, helicopters are used to bring the ballot boxes. So after the voting, Helicopter A leaves the village but Helicopter B (which looks exactly the same as A) lands at the couting station with different ballot boxes. Boxes that have enough fake ballots inside to ensure a win. Can you imagine all these things happening? And all these stories were told by a man who was once involved in all that.

At first i was still in disbelief and still thinking that things can't be THAT bad. But i was wrong. Things ARE that bad. And being a polling agent really opened my eyes. Even though i was under the keadilan flag, i never supported them. I just thought it'd be interesting to see how things go and to just ensure that no hanky panky happens. But i couldn't do anything. The hanky panky still went on and i was helpless. The writing of voters' serial numbers still went on. The phantom voters still got to vote for the ppl who paid them to vote. Voicing out your 'bantahan's just didn't work coz they fell on deaf ears. The EC ppl just didn't care. Just said they were following orders. This is what they have been instructed to do and we can't do anything bout it. That this has been going on for 20 over years so it's alrite. They know what they're doing. Aren't these EC ppl supposed to be impartial and shit? But it was so obvious how biased they are. And you could actually see how happy they were when BN won. Their faces just said everything.

Felt like shit when we lost. Just depressed and really disillusioned. Had a mini debate with my boss. Said that there's nothing anybody can do bout this. So if you cant' fight em, join em. Fuck it. Never. He also said that Malaysians have become so comfortable with the life that has been offered that they dont' wanna change anything even though they know that corruption and nepotism is going on. That they won't do anything if they might get into trouble. And i was thinking, have we really gotten to be so complacent? And sad enough, the answer seems to be yes. Most ppl are just afraid to voice out. They'd just take whatever's fed to them. And even though they know that writing their serial code is wrong, they won't say anything coz they're afraid. Fear. That's the biggest factor. They're afraid of going against the party that will win and being found out that they voted for the opposition. Afraid of what will happen to them. That's exactly what our government has instilled into us. Go against them and something bad will happen to you.

Oh well. All is said and done. Elections are over. BN got a landslide victory. They won back Terengganu. Every reason for the government to celebrate now. Just gotta keep on believing that a change WILL come one day. That wll this shit will disappear for good one day. And i really believe that one day, we will live in fair country.

Depressed

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Usher's Seperated and feeling extremely depressed. I just feel so lonely right now. Work is depressing. Love life ain't happening they way i want it to be. I"ve come to the conclusion that all i want right now at this very moment is someone to love whom will love me back. And in my current situation, i'm just heading down a one way street. Why? Why am i in something which i know will never work out? Why bother? I thought i could live with something like this but i realise that i can't. And yet i can't let go. And i hate myself for being weak. For not being strong enough to say Fuck it. I need something more. I want something more. So go screw yourself. I thought we had something more going on but there wasn't. At least not for him. That's when i realised that it's still all fun and games for him. I'm the only one wanting to take this a step further. Hence, the one way street. I'm such an emotionally dependent person and i hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being strong enough to change as well. I hate myself for not being able to let go. For wanting to stay on. For wanting to see him. Touch him. Kiss him. Care for him. I hate myself so much right now. And i hate him for making me feel this way. Why did he have to come into my life and mess it up? Why did he have to say all those sweet things to me and to make me fall for him? I know that this started out as just a 'enjoying each other's company' kinda thing and it's shitty that it's not the same anymore. I know i entered into this willingly and so i shouldn't gripe and complain and whine but i seriously didn't know that i would actually fall for him.

I hate all this shit. I nearly did it the other day. I very nearly ended it. I so wanted to tell him to just fuck off and get out of my life. But i just couldn't. My brain was telling me better to end it now and hurt now rather than prolong it, fall for him even more and then hurt even more later. But my heart was telling me to hold on. There's always a chance. He already cares for you now. There's a chance that it might turn to love. ANd so i listened to my heart. And now i'm still in this. Holding on. Holding on to that single thread of hope that he would feel for me the way i want him to. Sometimes, he's just so sweet and caring that the thread weaves itself into a tapestry. Other times, he's just so selfish and unreliable the thread frays and is on the verge of breaking.

The ironic part is that everyone thinks we're together. And he tells ppl we're together. Which makes everything even more confusing. How can he tell ppl we're together and yet not want to 'be' with me? I don't need a label or commitment from him. All i want is the feeling and the knowledge that i'm loved and that he's thinking of me like i think of him. I just want to love him and for him to love me back. I just want to know that i'm important in his life. I asked him the other day if it would matter to him if we stopped seeing each other. His answer was like a stab in my heart. He said either way would be fine for him. He could live with either. At that point, i just wanted to knee him in the groin and ask him to fuck off. Didn't do the former, but i did tell him that i choose not to see him anymore then. BUt the bastard said no. He still wanted to see him even if i didn't want to. And yet he says it doesn't matter to him if he doesn't see me. What the fuck?!?!? If he ain't trying to confuse, then i don't what he's up to.

I just feel so tired of thinking bout this. So tired of thinking of him. Tired and depressed. I so badly want him here with me now to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want him to kiss me and stroke my back, my hair and watch me sleep. I'm so tired of struggling with myself. So tired of pretending that everything's okay, i'm cool with everything and nothing's gonna hurt me. So tired of being that pillar of knowledge and strength at work. When actually i'm just crying and falling apart inside. So so very tired.

I'm just gonna curl up in bed now. Try to read and listen to Separated. And shed a few tears for myself.

Usher
"Separated"

Oh no, no, no, no

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Electoral fever

Elections are coming. Politicians are campaigning. All over you see posters and flags of the different parties hanging on street lamps, bus stops, etc. Everywhere you go, you hear people talking about who they're going to vote for, who's standing for which district, the party which they think will win, how many seats BN is going to get this year etc. And unfortunately for me, I won't be able to do anything. All because i neglected to register myself as a voter. All this while i've thought that it doesn't matter whether i vote or not coz somehow or other BN always wins. But now i've come to realize that the result doesn't matter. It's the fact that i should be practicing my right as a citizen of this country to vote. I should practice my right to democracy. And even though i know that things won't change even if i do vote, at least i know i tried to make a difference instead of just whining and complaining.

I'm just waiting for a change to take place. A change that will take away all classifications of race and where a Bangsa Malaysia will actually happen. Where everyone will just be called malaysian. And a change that will allow more non-bumis into universities. Or better yet, make all university entries based on merit which really should be the case. And that corporate ownership need not have a bumi owning a certain percentage. Doesn't the government ever wonder whether these so called special rights piss other ppl off? That it's looked upon as unfair? That giving things to ppl based on their race is just bullshit? Or has Malaysia settled into a such a state of complacency that they just accept whatever the govt feeds them? As long as there's water, sewage system, adequate jobs, enough food and money... every other unfair treatment is jujustified? I've heard ppl who've said that we're so much better off than other 3rd world countries coz we've got no war and extreme poverty and because of those things, our government is doing a good job. But what about the other things? The fact that we're being discriminated against based on race? The fact that we have to pay a huge sum for tertiary education just because we're of another colour? The fact that we can't get a job as a civil servant just coz we're of another race? I mean if bumis can't get in universities based on merit, doesn't that tell us something? That they're maybe just not good enough? If the state of governtment offices, where majority of the workers are not non-bumis, is slow and inefficient tell us something as well? It's because these ppl know they're given chances and easy access to things where they become lazy and feel they don't have to work for anything. Whereas the others would have to strive just to earn a spot.

Some ppl argue that these rights have been there since independence so we shouldn't change them. That it was promised to them. But that was then and this is now. That was a time when perhaps they needed to be protected coz there were immigrants coming and so on. But it's the present now we're talking about. Everyone should be equal. Especially since we're supposed to be only one race. But how can we be classified as one when certain sections of the 'one' will be given extra privelages? How can we be referred to as only one race when everyone does not get equal treatment?

This is getting depressing. Everyday, i hope for a change. And everyday, nothign changes. I want to love my country - no questions asked. I look around and i see the development and progress and feel proud of my country. But how can i love my country wholeheartedly when my country doesn't?

Shitola

Why do I feel so insulted when I found out that after my relationship with ed ended, he automatically went back to pining for that girl again? I mean, it's not like he broke up with me. After all, i was the who called off the relationship. Jeebers... I'd like to think i made an impact in his life! Or at least maybe a little dent! Now after reading his blog, it just seems as if i was a pit stop. A transit. Sigh... i guess it really doesn't matter anymore but still!

Read evonne's blog too. I really feel sorry for her. She really likes that dang ed who's pining away for some girl who doens't give two hoots about him. Who's just playing him like a fisherman would play a fish hooked on his line. I mean, i get really irritated with at times... especially those times when i wasn't with him yet and he told me bout how this girl had been treating him and stuff. I mean c'mon! It's so obvious that she's playing you!

Other times i really wonder how it feels like to really like one person for so long. To think the world of that person. To be willign to do anything for that person. To only want to be with that one person. Is this what is called love?

I've never had that kind of feeling before. That feeling of only wanting to be with that person. I mean yeah, when i'm lonely i guess i'll feel that way. Heck, anyone would feel that way. But i've never felt that kind of longing. That kind of wanting. With my past relationships, it was just a matter of filling time and doing stuff together and of course satisfying those hormones. No wait, i'm being too hard on myself. I should say that i HAVE felt those things but perhaps not so much in depth. And not so often as well. I was just thinking and i don't think i ever wanna have that feeling. That wanting and longing. Makes you so dependent on that person. As if i would die for that person. And i don't like being dependent. On anybody.

I like the fact that i can live my life alone. Albeit it'd get lonely at times, but i think i'm pretty much a loner. Gimme a a good book and iced tea anyday. And i LIKE shopping alone. I like spending time by myself and just browsing without a worry in the world (except maybe not having enough cash).

I suppose what i have now with vj is kind of perfect. I can live my life and he lives his. Don't have to be like siamese twins and do everything together. I'm cool with the fact that we can both live seperate lives and yet be together. I'm cool with that we've got different sets of friends. I guess i'm just cool with my whole situation with him right now. Although sometime, i do feel like wanting more but i know that's not what i want right now.

ALthough he's not perfect and i know he can be quite unreliable at times, i like being with him. I enjoy his company. I like talking to him. I like the way he listens to me when i complain about work. I like the way he looks at me. I like the way he strokes my hair, my cheek. I like the way he holds my hand to his face when he's sleeping. The way he hugs me to him just before he nods off to slumberland. I like the way he smiles at me and calls me Japanese. I like the way he kisses me. The bear hugs that he gives me just before he leaves. The gentle kiss on the forehead before he leaves. The way he laughs at the nonsensical things i say. The way he's so fascinated by my facial expressions. The way he apologizes when i get mad at him. The way he tries to irritate me and gets irritated instead when his plan didn't work. The way he tells me i'm cute and sweet. The way he tells me he likes my ass :) And oh gosh... the way he touches me in private :) Let's just say the bedroom games are good.

Oh man... something tells me that i'm falling real hard for this guy. Someone get me rope to hold on too!

Moving on

Oh man. The day for Preeta to leave the company has come. I really didn't feel it when we left work on friday coz i knew i'd still be seeing her over the weekend but as i gave her a hug before leaving her house just now, it just suddenly hit me that we woulnd't be able to see each other that often anymore. No more lunches before work. No more after work suppers. No more looking for bapuk sessions on fridays after work. It just feels that i'm losing a friend. I know that we'd meet up during some weekends and stuff but it just wouldn't be the same anymore. All of us have been together since our university days and even after leaving after uni, we knew we'd be working together since we applied to the same company, so somehow it just didn't feel like one of us was moving away. But i guess we can't always be together. All a part of life to move on to something better. So now our car pool number has decreased from four to three. Sigh. Things definitely won't be the same without Preeta. All the best to you P!

Working Life

This is the first time where i really felt that working life is a real drastic change from what we're used to if we're still in university. I mean, all this while i knoew it was different bla bla but today really takes the cake. Adn this is the first time i'm actually mentally tired after a day at work. I mean, c'mon, who can get tired doing my job? But today... whew!

I really hate it when my integrity is questioned and lately that seems to be happening a lot. And it gets worse when those ppl don't come directly to me about it. I mean, i'll admit if i'm wrong but if i know i'm correct obviously i'll fight to the very end to defend myself! And at least i know i'm big enough to to say i'm sorry if i'm wrong unlike some ppl. Shit. Damn. I knwo i'm not making much sense but what the heck. OH well, at least we got a chance to hash it out today and bring it to the attention of upper management. And i don't know if i should be glad or not that my team chose me to represent them in voiceing out what we think. Sigh... today's the first time i really felt over laden with work too. Shit i actually stayed back to finish my work! And i hate it that i'm being paid peanuts for it. Shit.

Emotional attachments

Was talking to Tubs the other day and he asked me this question "Why do girls always attach emotions to everything?" In this context, he was referring to why girls can never have a purely physical relationship. At first i was of course trying to defend females but then when i really thought about it, i realised i personally have not been able to carry on a physical relationship with no strings attached. Somehow or other, those dang emotions barges in and sometimes takes over. Speaking about myself of coz. I mean, I really don't know about other girls, but I just can't see myself with more than one man at a time. Even in my current situation, it started off as a no emotions-purely physical thing but now... it's not like that.

And i was thinking to myself, how bad is it that emotions are now involved? Found that the answer was 'Not too bad'. I mean, I like 'likeing' a person. I like the feeling of thinking of someone and wondering what that person is doing or whether he's thinking of me. And it feels really good when you know that person is thinking bout you too and missing you. I like the feeling of calling up that person and just chatting. I like the burst of happiness I feel when I finally meet that person. I like hugging him and touching him and doing the dirty with him. I like being cuddled and told i'm sweet. I like being kissed and being told that i'm a good kisser :) I like going shopping and looking out for nice things I can get for him. I like leaving little notes on his office table and that's the first thing he'll see when he gets to the office. I like the feeling of him watching me in the office. I like laughing with him. I like telling him little anecdotes of my life and making him laugh. I like it when he makes me laugh. The list goes on and on. I like all these little things that emotional attachement brings. And even though I know that it makes me that much more vulnerable to getting hurt in the end, I really don't mind. Coz getting hurt is all a part of life. And if getting hurt means i'll have that i said, then what the heck... bring on the 'hurts'! I'd rather have all the happy things and get hurt in the end than not have anything at all.

I

Valentine's Day anyone?

Well, the V day is finally over, couples breathe a sigh of relief and can go back to the way things were before. No need to dress up, no need to be romantic... just revert back to boring ole couple lives. Yeah right... :) As someone once said, it doens't have to be only V day when you show how romantic you can be. Put some effort into your relationship you slackers!!!

Just got back anyway from MY Valentine's outing. Actually just a normal run of the mill outing with ma friends. Had dinner at Gems and caught a movie with the Voices dudes. I miss those ppl. Despite the fact that they can be pretty embarassing
(re: laughing really loudly at the movies), these dudes have taught me that outside perception doesn't matter. What other ppl think of you doens't matter. Anyway, we wanted to watch Cold Mountain but there were no tickets left so we had to settle for Stuck On You. Pretty good show for those feel good movies. And the ride from Brickfields to Midvalley was pretty jolting since i was in Prab's junkyard car. :)

Midvalley was packed to the max though even at such a late hour. All the couples, catching a late night show. I was watching the couples walking around, all dolled up for each other, holding hands, being all lovey dovey. But i was thinking to myself, 'it's Valentine's Day, would i actually be here for a movie if i was with someone?' Can you imagine doing something so mundane and boring on Valentine's day? I mean if catching a movie is something a couple does every weekend, then why do it on Valentine's day as well? I know that i've been saying that we don't need this one special day to show that we care bla bla... but still! I'd be real disappointed and pissed off if my guy suggests we go for a movie. I mean, we don't have to anything special or expensive or preplanned but certainly NOT a movie! I'd rather stay home for a shag! Fun and satisfaction guaranteed! :) I'm not fussy. Just take me for a drive or stay home and talk to me or better yet stay home and don't talk :)

Tubs gave me an idea when i was chatting with him in the blind massage parlour. Oh yeah, some of the dudes went for a blind massage and obviously i didn't want one so i had to wait for them with Tubs. He asked me if i would shag in the office. And me being me, said i wouldn't. But actually, i think i would :) The old building would have been perfect since there's no one on the third floor at nights. Damn. Too late now.

But why do i have this feeling that when i go to the office on monday, the first thing i'm gonna do when i get the chance is to scout for a shag area? :)

Choices of life

I seem to be reading a lot on what ppl think about choice these days. Choice is all part of life. Whatever decision you make takes you on a different path. And i've been thinking a lot on the decisions i've made and paths i've chosen. And sometimes i wonder if they're really the correct ones i've made. And i do think about the what ifs. 'What if i chose B instead of A?' The classic what if question. Butthen again, my life wouldn't be what it is today, if certain decisions were different. But then, it's always human nature to doubt oneself and to always think the grass is greener on the oterh side. But i supposed i'm happy with my life right now. And i'm thankful for that. I think i'm happiest when i don't have to make a decision. When i can just linger as long as i want in a certain place and not worry about the future. And that's where i am right now. The next fork in my life would be in april when my work bonus comes out and the deciison to stay or leave would have to be made. But for now, i'll hang on to whatever satisfaction that i have and be happy.

And then comes the next part regarding my love life. Today is valentine's day and i'm at home. I guess that doesn't mean anything but this is my very first valentine that i'm really alone. Or at least technically alone. At times, i wonder if it would have been better i i had just sustained my relationship and not want to try something new. Other times, i'm really happy that i decided to call it off. Sigh. But if i suppose if i take a good look at myself, i have to admit that i like whereh i am now in regards to relationships. I guess i've been pretty lucky in the sense that someone's always wanted me. Even now. I guess what i have now is pretty perfect. I mean, i have someone when i need him. And when i just want to be alone, i can be. That's the beauty of having a 'non-relationship'. Looking back at my past relationship (not like there's been a lot) i realised that i've learnt a lot. I've learnt to be more independent. I've learnt that individuals need their own space no matter how much they love you. I've learnt that even I need my own space no matter how much I love that person. I've learnt how important personal space is to indivuduals. And most importantly, i've learnt how important friends actually are in my life.

Sigh...

My last day

I can't believe it!!! This is my last day in koh samui!!! I cant' believe the days has passed so fast!!! And guess how i spent my last day? Lazing by the beach... AGAIN! Not liek it's such a surpise! And i didn't even get to go into the water. Coz it's that time of the month. How boring. But anyway, it's my last day here... and i dont' know what to do to spend the time. Dont' feel like drinking... so there's nothing else left here to do! Don't wanna buy antying too. Nothign of interest to get.

Sigh... how am i going to adjust to work again? Boring! ANyway, Annie's waiting for me to go do something... so the next time i post something, it'd be from boring ole malaysia!

Koh Samui (pt3)

What a day i had! Took a 2 hour boat trip out to the sea, canoed (pretty well too i must say), snorkelled... what more could i have asked for? Except maybe i was expecting too much on the snorkelling bit. I actually thought i would be able to see stuff like the Finding Nemo kind. Hehehe.... needless to say i was disappointed. I mean, there were fish here and there but it wasn't really colourful and the water wasn't all that clear... and i couldn't really breathe throughthe fucking mouthpiece - water just kept entering my mouth - so... maybe the snorkelling bit wasn't that great after all :) But the canoing was way fun. First we had to canoe from the boat to this little beach so that we could hike up a few hundred meters to see this lake in the middle of the island. The hike up was pretty cool and the view of the lake was breath taking! Then after that, canoe back to the boat, have lunch then canoe around these rock islands. Way cool. Fucking cool. And i must say, i got the hang of canoing pretty fast. :) Now my arms feel pretty tired. And.... i'm feeling sunburnt for the first time in my entire life! Imagine that! And it hurts. Stings actually. And i've got a magnificent tan line. Hehehe.. now i know why all the ang mohs will sunbathe topless. Hmm... maybe i should do that too :)

Well, tomorrow's my last day here in this island. Can't imagine how i'm going to adjust to working again after days and days of just lazing aorund. But one good reason to go back is that i'll be abel to see my darling again. Never realized i could miss him so much. Walking around this place, experiencing this place makes me wanna be with him. Wanna enjoy this place with him. Just laze around and play in the water with him. Sigh... nothing like going on a holiday with a loved one. Memories of my last two days in SA comes to mind... :)

Oh yeah, did some research on tattoos and found that i won't be abel to get one here. Coz it takes about a week to heal and i'll be leavin gon monday menaing i won't be able to carry my back pack and shit like that. And it'd be a real hassle since i'll be travelling for the whole day. Don't wanna risk infections. So there goes my plan of returning home with a tattoo. :( Damn. WAs really looking forward to getting one too. Had my design all picked out and all.

Since tomorrows my last day, gonna make the most of it. Waking up early to hae breakfast. Then going to the beach again. :) I mean, that IS what the whole is about. The beach, sun, wind and surf. Just better slap on the sunblock!!!

Koh Samui (pt 2)

The ride to hadyai wasn't that bad. Probably coz we were all sleeping for most of the journey. The second leg from hadyai to suratthanni was a bit of a nightmare though. The mini bus (van) was so bumpy (prob coz Thai roads aint' thaat good) but i managed to get some shut eye anyway :) When we got to suratthani we had to wait for about an hour before we changed to a big bus (thank goodness) to head off to the pier where we were gonna board a ferry to the island. The bus was really confortable but it seemed to take a really long time to reach the dang pier! Took us about one and the half hours! But finally we reached the pier and boarded the ferry just in time as it started raining. The ferry was shaking about so much, i thought it might actually capsize! But we arrived on the island safely and boy, did i feel relieved! It had been one heck of a long day travelling but we finally reached the island! NExt was trying to find a place to stay. WEnt to several places but finally chose one that costs us RM20 each per night. Not too bad. Tried to bargain but unsuccessful. Damn. But anyway, we were so sticky and tired we just took it and had a shower.

It's been 2 days on the island now. And those 2 days have just been spent lazing on the beach doing absolutely nothing. Can u believe it? 2 whole days doing nothing? But at least we went to 2 different beaches. So we CAN say that we explored the island a little...hehehe I never thought I could spend so much time in one place doing nothing excpet reading and people watching. Amazing. And the best part is, when we get back, we'd be feeling damn tired. Hehehe... feeling tired after a whole day of lazing?

This place is just crawlin with babes. And i mean babes. Fucking chun babes everywhere you turn around. Talk about having an inferiority complex! Everyone at the beach will be wearing bikinis and here i am walking around in my stupid speedo one piece suit. Hehehe... And.. u can hardly find other Asian tourists around here. Imagine, we're in an Asian country wherewe feel like the minority. I mean, what the f***? But this place is beautiful and the atmosphere is just so relaxing. It's just great.

Will be going snorkelling tomorrow. ANd..thinking of getting a tattoo. HEeheheh... it'd be fucking cool man! Already found a design that i like that's not too sissy :) And it's not too expensive either. Will probably cost me around RM120 to get it done. I think it's worth it. Will have to ponder a bit even though i'm really tempted!!!

Sigh.. trying to imagine how it'd be like if i had a tattoo...

Koh Samui

Hey hey.. i'm finally here!!!! Finally reached the island after a whole day of travelling in 3 different vehicles!!!! Let me start at the beginning...

Firstly, we started off at 4.45 am coz we were supposed to be there by that time. But when mum drove us there... it was totally empty and there was nothing and no one around. So we rushed to another place where we thought could be the meeting point but it was deserted as well. So we left Annie at KOMTAR and drove to the ferry point, saw a van with Thai plates and started chasing after it but lost it coz of a traffic light. Anyway, then annie called us and said there was a van there but the driver didn't know how to speak english or malay. So rushed back there and lo and behold.. it was our van. But the van was already packed with ppl AND bags so my bag had to be squashed in with us in front and Annie's was just dumped somewhere with the other ppl in the back seat. And finally... we were off to had yai (the first leg of our journey)

To be continued....

changing plans

Why does something always have to happen when plans have already been made? Why must something always pop up? All this while when we talking about our plans to go thailand i somehow had this nagging feeling that something was going to come up and somehow spoil our plans. And i was right! That feeling was not uncalled for! Sigh... anyway, the number of ppl for our trip has now dwindled to a mere 3. It's now me, annie and mac. At least i think it is. Problem now is, i'd have to leave koh samui alone and travel the 12 hours back alone in a van. I just hope it's safe and not dodgy. Actually, i'm not really sure if the plans are still on! What a waste of my leave if they're not! Could have taken them some other time then. Sigh... and sigh again... i was really excited about this trip and this is what happens. Furthermore i went around hunting for transport deals today, getting all excited and suddenly a pin had to burst my balloon. Damn.

On another note, i'm writing this blog from back home. It's been four months since i last came back and it feels nice to be back in the house where i grew up. Didn't realize how much i had missed home till i got back. Nothing like the saying ' Home Sweet Home'. I realize now that coming back doesn't mean going out with your friends or even with your family. It just means settling your ass back on the bed where you've slept on for 17 years and just chilling out - watching tv, reading a book etc. I guess ppl who go back home often don't realize how lucky they are. I miss my house. Not necessarily the ppl in the house (of coz i miss my family too) but the house itself. The familiar nooks and crannies. The untidiness. The couch potato feeling of settling onto the sofa with the remote control in my hand and a bag of chips next to me. It's just great to be back in my house.

Home is where the heart is...

Shit... thought about our holiday plans again.. damn fucked up... oh well... like annie said, even if it's only me and her... two hot women at the beach with white men... what more can i ask for? :)

blissful holidays

Talked with my roomies about our holiday plans last night. And we finally came up with the decision to go to Thailand. At least i THINK that was the final decision. I wanna go to Koh Sa Mui but i wanna go to Redang too. Annie's more in favour of thailand coz she's got loads of time in her hands and can afford to spend the time travelling and just going where the wind blows her. If only i had that luxury too. As we were talking, i told them of my plan to just take a year off and travel. To have no permanent address, no permanent job. Just staying in inns, working as a waitress in some fast food joint to get some money, and then taking off again once i've seen all of the place i'm in. The more we talked, the more i wanted to make this plan work. To work now and save money and then saying goodbye to malaysia and hello to some other country. Actually talked about doing a trans-siberian route to europe. How cool would that be? Just travel from malaysia to thailand then go north to India, then china, then russia, then turkey and finally east europe then the west. Just imagine the places i'd get to see and the people i'd get to meet. The sights, the sounds, the tastes... sounds like a perfect holiday. Just roughing it out.

I don't know when i started getting this urges to travel. I think it's because i've joined voices and travelled to so many countries with them. The 'want' to see new places has been planted there since phillipines i think. I try and think back to the past adn i can't remember ever having these plans to travel all over. I've never been the adventurous type to venture out alone and do stuff. But ever since voices, well, all i can say is that i'm a changed person. Now i just want to do and see everything! I mean, c'mon.. we only live once right? Right now, all i need is the dough.

Ed and i have plans to save money from now to travel to europe together. I hope that works out too :) The plan is to save money till he graduates, which would be in 2005, and then fly off to France, the first destination. His french speaking skills should be of help there :) And if we're still together, i'm going to make sure we go!

To be able to travel and just experience... bliss... to just live life one day at a time... heaven...

Family ties

Went to meet my parents at the airport. Realized that even though i haven't seen them for quite some time now, i didnt' have much to say to them. And now i'm wondering why. I'm wonderng why am i not close to my parents? Why do i not talk to my parents like some of my other friends do? Why is my mum not my best friend? And even though i DO miss them, when i actually met them, i felt nothing. No joy, no sadness... just nothing. I don't want to be the type of person to take my family for granted and then later regret it when my parents pass on. And i know that they will pass on someday and i dont' want to turn back and say "If only i had taken the effort to know them better and gotten closer to them". I watch all those shows where the daughter and mother are as close as two peas in a pod and i envy them. And it's just not in tv shows. Some of my friends are really close to their mothers that they even tell them their relationship problems. And me? I hardly talk to my mum. Even when i talk to her, it's just about everyday things. I know that i love my parents but why can't i talk to them? And sometimes i think issit all my fault? Why can't they talk to me either? Do i always have to make that effort? I know it's wrong to expect them to make the effort all the time but i can't do it all the time can i? Or maybe i can. And i should. I dont' know.

Sometimes, it's not that i dont' wanna talk to mum. Just that when i start a topic, she'll irritate the hair outta me. For example, when i tell her bout the relationship i'm in right now, she'll just tell me not to rush things, that i dont' have to look for a boyfriend at such a young age etc I know she means well, but it's not that she wants me to take it easy. It's the fact that i'm not with Kiley anymore and she just can't accept that even though it's been like 7 god damned months! And she tells me to tell him not to rush to look for a girlfriend either. I mean, what am i suppose to say to that? And when i tell her that i'm happy now and he's still my friend, she just chooses to ignore that. How can i not get irritated and just stop talking and clam up? Like i said, it's not that i dont' wanna talk to her. But she just makes it so difficult for me sometimes. Another scenario: I tell her about my job. Does she ask me how i feel bout the job? Does she ask me how i'm coping or adapting to the new lifestyle? NO! She just asks " So not planning to study anymore?" Just because she wants me to do my masters and i'm not doesn't mean that she should totally disregard my life now. Just because i'm not doing what she wanted me to do. No questions about how i'm doing. None whatsoever. What am i supposed to talk to her about then? What am i suppose to do then?

I get really irritated when all that happens. So i snap at her or i just nod and keep quiet. And then i'd feel awful about the way i treated her or that i didn't make a good enough effort to talk to her. And so the next time, i try calling her and the whole cycle starts again. I just dont' knwo what to do. Like i said before, i love my mum but i just don't know what to do. I want to be able to communicate with her but it just doens't seem to be working. Can somebody please tell me why mums are like this? Or issit just mine? I really don't know. Feel like i'm at my wit's end.

Maybe it's the fact that i never really told her my problems when i was young. Never really opened up to her. Always kept everything bottled up inside. Maybe it's because i'm the type of person to not really talk about myself unless i'm really really comfortable with a person. But shouldn't i feel comfortable with my parents? I mean, they're my family and who else am i supposed to turn to when all else fails? Maybe it's a problem with me.

Fuck... this really sucks.. big time. I just want to be close to my family.

Oh hail the great weekend

I just love weekends. I love the feeling waking up and then having nothing to do. The fact that i don't have to rush for anyone, do anything for anyone. I can just wake up whenever i want to and then just take the day as it comes. No plans. Just spontanous actions. Just like how i woke up this morning and decided to go shopping. And i don't even have to plan with anyone. I'm going alone. That way, i can see the stuff i want to, don't have to rush coz that person might be bored, and i can just wander around as i please. I mean it's nice being with people but sometimes, you just wanna be alone. And this is just one of those days. And what better time to be alone when my dear's gone off to JB? :)

Fuck it's gonna rain soon. Getting my ass off this chair and going shopping.

Nostalgia

Just read my last post... and i've attributed it to PMS :)

Anyway, have started the second phase of my moving out of the hostel room. Moved my fan and a few other things this morning. Felt really really sad when i drove out of campus. Nostalgia setting in i guess. Even the night before when annie and farrah and i were talking about our trip, the feeling was just so bittersweet coz i knew it would be the last time hanging out with them. The last time that we would be all together. I mean, i'm sure we'd still be friends in the future but we'll all be going our seperate ways. Like, they'll be off to cambodia and i'll be here. Sigh... all a part of growing up i guess. I'm really going to miss these guys. The people i knew since voices. They've been a great bunch. Went for satay kajang with some of the dudes just now and we started telling farah and syakri bout our trips overseas and what we did. Reminiscing. Adn laughing over our stupidity. All those memories are just printed in my head. I can even remember exact scenes, just like photos except that these 'photos' will be with me forever. Or at least till i die or get alzheimers. :) But anyway, the point is that i'm leaving. Saying goodbye.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can i sail through the changing ocean tide?
Can i handle the seasons of my life?

Well, i've been afraid of changing
Coz i've built my life around you
And i'm getting older too

Nothing like listening to landslide by dixie chicks right now.

And thinking bout all the good times i had with all of them. The first trip to phillipines. Then thailand, australia and finally, cape town. All those times i made a fool out of myself and they were there to rescue me, laugh at me, and then tell everyone else :) All i feel like doing right now is sigh...

And memories past fill my head...

Loneliness and despondency

Feeling really depressed right now. Sometimes, i just feel that i'm all alone in this world. That i have no friends and no one gives two fucks about me and what i'm doing. That i have no one i can count on. No one i can turn to. Alone. Fuck. I hate this feeling. And i dont' know why i'm feeling this way right now. Fuck everything.

Dependent dependency

Ever had the feeling that you're getting so used to the thought of having a person around that you start depending on him for everything? Like you just expect him to be there all the time and do stuff for you and with you? Well, I used to think that way with my ex and now i'm going through the same thing with my current boyfriend. Why do i always end up being dependent on people? And it's just not relationships i'm talking about. I get dependent on friends too. BUt i think i'm learning. I used to be worse. I used to be the type who couldn't go out shopping alone or eat alone. Now, i don't mind shopping by myself. I find it more enjoyable. I don't have to worry bout the people with me getting bored. I can wander for as long as i like and do whatever i want. But still.. this dependency on the guy i'm with.. hmm.. somethign to really think about and change. I mean, nothing's certain and i can't expect us to be together forever. Anything can happen. And i'll just find it harder to adapt if we don't end up together one day. Sigh...

Switching topics, just found out that Annu applied for a PE job in HSBC. Was pretty surprised when i heard that. I mean, it just doesn't sound like something for her to do. Wonder why she applied for it. Probably the same reason why i did. Had no direction in life and so just decided to try what comes along. I seriously didnt know what i was doing when i applied for this job. Partly because i had to work on the australs and had to be around cyber. Partly because i didnt' want to go back to penang and leave my relationship behind (who am i kidding? if i had gone back to penang, i wouldn't be with him any longer). But no regrets... so far :)

But what i really wanna do is travel i guess. Just take a year off, and go where the wind blows me. Angie gave me a nice idea the other day. She said what if i saved enough money to go holidaying for about 2 weeks then after that just work in whichever country i'm in. Like if i end up in London, then just work as a waitress or something to earn enough money to get me to the next country. Just do the same thing for a whole year. Have no permanent address. Just live life one day at a time. Just have enough money to survive moderately. I mean, i don't wanna stay in a dodgy place but at least somewhere decent... like the inn we stayed in Cape Town. Wouldn't that be wonderful? The thought of writing in this blog from an internet cafe in one country and then another the next few days. The thought of emailing my friends and telling them that i'm sitting outside the Eiffel Tower right now while writing. And then the next mail a few days later would be telling them that i'm standing on the spot where the Berlin wall was. Pretty cool, huh? And the best part of this dream is... i can actually make it happen. I mean it's not something impossible to do. If i plan and work at it hard enough... and also if i manage to convince my parents. I know what their reaction's gonna be... "Siau ah?" Literal translation, meaning "you crazy?" But it's possible... it's possible...

Possible...

Quite ok

Well, since the last post, nothing much has changed in my life. Still the same old questions running around in my head and trying to chase some non existent answer. Time for me to push them back and wait till another day when they'll pop back up again and i will still have no answer. :) Life's such a bitch somtimes. If only we had some sort of vending machine to give us the answers we want. If only there was some fast forward button in life where we can forward through the difficult parts of life. Or a rewind button where we can relive happy, wonderful moments over and over again. Or if only life is some buffet line where we can just eat and eat our way through. Sigh.. oh well...

On another note, went to clean up my room on Sunday. I have never worked so hard in my entire life cleaning up a room. I mopped, swept, scrubbed, wiped etc... and now paying the price by having sore arms. But at least my room's clean now :) Kinda dreading the moving... i mean i wanna have my own room but the thought of shifting all my stuff over is just causing me a headache. And of coz the 'no more 24 hour internet access' is definitely a minus. AFter having it for so long... sigh... been relying on it for almost everything! Reading the daily news, checking movie listings, even the fucking weather report! Aw man... being too dependent on technology and then doing away with it, sucks ass, as the kids in South Park would say. :)

Been watching a lot.. and i mean a lot.. of south park. Have watched the whole 6 and a half seasons. SP is one elite show. For a cartoon, the animation sucks but the storyline and the dialogue just rocks! They just diss everythign and make everything seem so cool :) But it's not for everyone. Tried introducing it to my roomies but they didnt' seem to be interested.. oh well... But man.. that show just rocks!!! And for those of you who think it's tasteless and disgusting, as Cartman would say "Screw you guys.. I'm going home"

Birthdays and gifts

Someone just asked me what i wanted for my birthday. And that question suddenly sparked a whole series of thoughts and questions in my head. What is it with material gifts that make people happy? Was just thinking and i realized that i dont' need all this shit to be happy. Gifts and things are like that are really superficial and dont' really mean anything. The things that matter the most are things that money can't buy. And sometimes i wonder why do i want to waste my time chasing after material things when everything that i could possible need to be happy is already in my grasp. Unfortunately most of the time, i don't realize all this and i think that i need money and more money to be happy. That i need to get a nice house, a nice car, nice furniture, nice tech stuff etc to be happy. To enjoy life. At times, i ask myself, do i really need all those things? Or issit just that i'm falling into the trap of wanting to belong to society? To conform to societal needs and wants. I mean, do i really want a life surrounded by superficial things and the only entertainment would be to go shopping and watch a movie? What happened to my dreams of traveling? What happened to my dreams of tasting exotic foodand staying in dodgy inns? What happened to my dreams of visiting new countries and meeting new people? What happened to my dreams of being a travelling reporter and trying to change the world? And what am i doing now? Stuck in a job just because i need the money to buy the stuff which i think i need. Shit...
What do i want with my life? What do i want?

I want to be happy.
I want to be different.
I want to make a statement.

Here's the hard part. How do i achieve those things? How can i be different? How can i make a statement? How can i be happy? How how how? Fuck, i dont' want to be stuck doing something for a decade or two, get sucked into marriage and kids then suddenly wake up when i'm 50 and realize that i'm unhappy. That i'm bored. That i need to do something more meaningful with my life. (I know this is some sort of a contradiction with my previous blog but doing some serious soul searching right now. )

But then again, what IS happiness? Issit just some sort of illusion put forth into our minds that we need to be happy to exist? Being happy is so different for different people. Different people have different standards of happiness. Different degrees of happiness.

Need to do some serious soul searching. Need to ask myself some serious questions. What do i really want? Think about myself for once. Think about what i want and not what everyone else expects of me. Not what if my actions will affect my relationship with my family and my darling.

Just gotta think...

It's a saturday!!! Not that i don't like work.. but saturday means i get to chill and just hang out. ;) A colleague just came back from Swansea a few days ago, so last night after work, a whole bunch of us drove to Hartamas to party and celebrate his return. Wanted to go to Bar Med, but the place was just freakingly overcrowded until people were spilling onto the road! So, we headed to Finnigan's instead. There was no music, coz it was more like a pub kinda place. So just sat and drank and drank and drank... :) We managed to consume 4 bottles of Jack Daniels. Everyone was pretty high... especially yours truly...hehehe... Getting high in front of my workmates for the first time. Furthermore, one of our induction class trainers came along too and she was pissed drunk man!!! She was just spouting vulgarities left, right and center! And telling us stories of her b'day where she got pissed drunk as well. Hehehe... Also, managed to find out a lot of things bout work and office politics. All in all, just don't get involved in it. And if you're unhappy about anything, don't tell anyone coz you never know when the person might backstab you. And five of us from my process were just sitting down and talking and i kinda told them about agnes. And they told me that it's probably jealousy that's making them say that and the fact that her trainer is ramesh whom they already dont' like. Sigh.. anyway, we kinda made a pact among the five of us and agnes that we'll stick to each other and back each other up no matter what. I mean, we're all in the same boat, no point back stabbing and bitching bout your colleagues. Sigh.. all this politics... don't know how i'm gonna survive out there... with me being so blur most of the time. Wouldn't even know it if someone was backstabbing me. Time for me to be more observant and keep my eyes and ears wide open.

On a happier note (also work related), my work was error free for one whole week!!! Quite an achievement considering CARM is forever changing and opinions differ from India to UK to M'sia. And... my name got mentioned by Mark Seymour during the 'clapping' session. So quite proud la.. even though must play being modest and all.. but inside..hehehe... personal glory!

Went shopping today for some new house stuff. Moving to SK this month already. Will be shifting my stuff over tomorrow. Bought new bedsheets, a rug, towel etc.. Can't wait to be filthy rich, own a really nice house or condo, so that i can start buying stuff for it. Just love shopping for house stuff. Bought a few clothes as well. 3 tops to be exact. Forgot to buy the black skirt that i wanted. KLCC was freaking packed! Pretty hard to move around. Sometimes wish that i was so rich that i don't have to worry bout the prices of things so that i dont' have to crowd with other people during sale times. Oh well... hopefully that time will come soon enough!

Met Janice at KLCC. She's doing her masters in finance in MIM - Malaysian Institute of Management. It's a part-time masters so she'll be looking for a job. When i heard that, i started thinking whether i should be doing a masters now itself or not. I mean, i started thinking about the time when i was so sure that i was going to do my masters abroad and get a job abroad as well. But now, my values seemed to have changed. And i don't know if it's because of the relationship that i'm in right now. That i opted to stay and get a job here is because of him. Or is it because i really want to work here for at least 2 years before continuing with an MBA? I mean, that's what i tell people... but i'm not really sure if that's what i really want. Sigh... now i'm feeling really confused and messed up. I mean, if i take a masters in finance or something like that, then i would have to work in some financial shit. And do i really want that? Coz i dont' think i have the knack for it. I think i'm more cut out for some administrative job or something like that. Partially why i'm opting for an MBA as well. Sigh... i really don't know... if only someone had all the answers in life for me. Like i could just ask "What should i do now?" and i would get my answer immediately. Even Farrah and Annie going to Cambodia to volounteer work for the people there made me confused for a while too. I started thinking if i should join them etc.. but luckily i came to my senses and realized that kind of stuff just ain't for me. It was the thought of working for the UN that made it appealing. I wonder how a person gets an administrative job with the UN... hehehe... :)

Guess i'd have to sort out myself soon enough. Whether to stay and continue on with my job and study later... or screw the job and study now. Somehow, i think i'll procrastinate till it's too late and i'll just end up with the former. Procrastination's such an evil disease...