Depressed

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Usher's Seperated and feeling extremely depressed. I just feel so lonely right now. Work is depressing. Love life ain't happening they way i want it to be. I"ve come to the conclusion that all i want right now at this very moment is someone to love whom will love me back. And in my current situation, i'm just heading down a one way street. Why? Why am i in something which i know will never work out? Why bother? I thought i could live with something like this but i realise that i can't. And yet i can't let go. And i hate myself for being weak. For not being strong enough to say Fuck it. I need something more. I want something more. So go screw yourself. I thought we had something more going on but there wasn't. At least not for him. That's when i realised that it's still all fun and games for him. I'm the only one wanting to take this a step further. Hence, the one way street. I'm such an emotionally dependent person and i hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being strong enough to change as well. I hate myself for not being able to let go. For wanting to stay on. For wanting to see him. Touch him. Kiss him. Care for him. I hate myself so much right now. And i hate him for making me feel this way. Why did he have to come into my life and mess it up? Why did he have to say all those sweet things to me and to make me fall for him? I know that this started out as just a 'enjoying each other's company' kinda thing and it's shitty that it's not the same anymore. I know i entered into this willingly and so i shouldn't gripe and complain and whine but i seriously didn't know that i would actually fall for him.

I hate all this shit. I nearly did it the other day. I very nearly ended it. I so wanted to tell him to just fuck off and get out of my life. But i just couldn't. My brain was telling me better to end it now and hurt now rather than prolong it, fall for him even more and then hurt even more later. But my heart was telling me to hold on. There's always a chance. He already cares for you now. There's a chance that it might turn to love. ANd so i listened to my heart. And now i'm still in this. Holding on. Holding on to that single thread of hope that he would feel for me the way i want him to. Sometimes, he's just so sweet and caring that the thread weaves itself into a tapestry. Other times, he's just so selfish and unreliable the thread frays and is on the verge of breaking.

The ironic part is that everyone thinks we're together. And he tells ppl we're together. Which makes everything even more confusing. How can he tell ppl we're together and yet not want to 'be' with me? I don't need a label or commitment from him. All i want is the feeling and the knowledge that i'm loved and that he's thinking of me like i think of him. I just want to love him and for him to love me back. I just want to know that i'm important in his life. I asked him the other day if it would matter to him if we stopped seeing each other. His answer was like a stab in my heart. He said either way would be fine for him. He could live with either. At that point, i just wanted to knee him in the groin and ask him to fuck off. Didn't do the former, but i did tell him that i choose not to see him anymore then. BUt the bastard said no. He still wanted to see him even if i didn't want to. And yet he says it doesn't matter to him if he doesn't see me. What the fuck?!?!? If he ain't trying to confuse, then i don't what he's up to.

I just feel so tired of thinking bout this. So tired of thinking of him. Tired and depressed. I so badly want him here with me now to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want him to kiss me and stroke my back, my hair and watch me sleep. I'm so tired of struggling with myself. So tired of pretending that everything's okay, i'm cool with everything and nothing's gonna hurt me. So tired of being that pillar of knowledge and strength at work. When actually i'm just crying and falling apart inside. So so very tired.

I'm just gonna curl up in bed now. Try to read and listen to Separated. And shed a few tears for myself.

Usher
"Separated"

Oh no, no, no, no

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated