Family ties

Went to meet my parents at the airport. Realized that even though i haven't seen them for quite some time now, i didnt' have much to say to them. And now i'm wondering why. I'm wonderng why am i not close to my parents? Why do i not talk to my parents like some of my other friends do? Why is my mum not my best friend? And even though i DO miss them, when i actually met them, i felt nothing. No joy, no sadness... just nothing. I don't want to be the type of person to take my family for granted and then later regret it when my parents pass on. And i know that they will pass on someday and i dont' want to turn back and say "If only i had taken the effort to know them better and gotten closer to them". I watch all those shows where the daughter and mother are as close as two peas in a pod and i envy them. And it's just not in tv shows. Some of my friends are really close to their mothers that they even tell them their relationship problems. And me? I hardly talk to my mum. Even when i talk to her, it's just about everyday things. I know that i love my parents but why can't i talk to them? And sometimes i think issit all my fault? Why can't they talk to me either? Do i always have to make that effort? I know it's wrong to expect them to make the effort all the time but i can't do it all the time can i? Or maybe i can. And i should. I dont' know.

Sometimes, it's not that i dont' wanna talk to mum. Just that when i start a topic, she'll irritate the hair outta me. For example, when i tell her bout the relationship i'm in right now, she'll just tell me not to rush things, that i dont' have to look for a boyfriend at such a young age etc I know she means well, but it's not that she wants me to take it easy. It's the fact that i'm not with Kiley anymore and she just can't accept that even though it's been like 7 god damned months! And she tells me to tell him not to rush to look for a girlfriend either. I mean, what am i suppose to say to that? And when i tell her that i'm happy now and he's still my friend, she just chooses to ignore that. How can i not get irritated and just stop talking and clam up? Like i said, it's not that i dont' wanna talk to her. But she just makes it so difficult for me sometimes. Another scenario: I tell her about my job. Does she ask me how i feel bout the job? Does she ask me how i'm coping or adapting to the new lifestyle? NO! She just asks " So not planning to study anymore?" Just because she wants me to do my masters and i'm not doesn't mean that she should totally disregard my life now. Just because i'm not doing what she wanted me to do. No questions about how i'm doing. None whatsoever. What am i supposed to talk to her about then? What am i suppose to do then?

I get really irritated when all that happens. So i snap at her or i just nod and keep quiet. And then i'd feel awful about the way i treated her or that i didn't make a good enough effort to talk to her. And so the next time, i try calling her and the whole cycle starts again. I just dont' knwo what to do. Like i said before, i love my mum but i just don't know what to do. I want to be able to communicate with her but it just doens't seem to be working. Can somebody please tell me why mums are like this? Or issit just mine? I really don't know. Feel like i'm at my wit's end.

Maybe it's the fact that i never really told her my problems when i was young. Never really opened up to her. Always kept everything bottled up inside. Maybe it's because i'm the type of person to not really talk about myself unless i'm really really comfortable with a person. But shouldn't i feel comfortable with my parents? I mean, they're my family and who else am i supposed to turn to when all else fails? Maybe it's a problem with me.

Fuck... this really sucks.. big time. I just want to be close to my family.