I was just reading through my past blogs and realised how totally unconnected they are. They're really more like one-page entries of how i felt when i wrote what i wrote. And that is just so like me. Impulsive and emotional. Happy one day, then down the next. Anyone who would have read my blog would probably this girl is some sort of a psycho! Got to learn to take control of my emotions. I'm 23 going on 24 and i still act like a spoiled child sometimes.

Christmas has come and gone. He got me a gift. :) He was so clumsy about the whole thing, it was just hilarious. And sweet. Naturally i also got him something. Which left a gaping hole in my pocket. And guess what? I lost my phone. So now i'm handphone-less. Never realised how much i depended on my phone on so many things. Feel so lost and disconnected right now. There goes another hole burnt in the pocket. Think i left the phone in my VP's house but then again, if it was there, someone would have found it by now. But i seriously can't imagine anyone taking the phone. Not as if it was some hi-tech state of the art phone. Oh well... just one of those things you never can tell.

End of the year is coming. And i'll be ushering in the New Year in the office. Whoopee-Doo.

I want progression. I want change. Let's hope the new year brings all that.

Happy new year.

Tired

I'm tired of all this.
I've cried so much over the past two days, it's enough to fill a dam.
I've got so much heartache over the past two days, it's amazing my heart is still beating.
I just can't do this.
I just can't.
What do i do now?

I think i need a break from all this.
I think i need a break from him.

Hmm... been a pretty long time since i last blogged. Few things have changed. Went home last weekend and was really glad to see improvement in my dad's condition. He's gone back to work. Which is a really good sign. And he's got more movement in his legs. Let's just pray and hope that things continue improving.
I've got a new car now. And the payments are killing me. Sigh... circumstances called for me to have it. Let's hope i get a real big break in my career pretty soon.

Been reading bout Worlds and i miss the tourneys so much. The thrill of being in a tournament. The energy level of the whole thing. How adrenaline just pumps thru everyone and everyone's hyper and happy. Sigh... and i miss all the planning and hard work we put in for australs even though it was grueling. Reading the worlds website and the venues make me wish i was a part of it. Oh well... writing about how much i miss it all aint' gonna change a god damn thing. Anyway, i've 2 more days of leave... so will probably crash some socials :)

Wanna meet up with the sistas this sat for the Star Wars thingy but unfortunately got a friend's b'day party which i can't miss. Ish.

Sigh...

Even though it's been months since he told me that we can't be friends anymore, it still hurts. Especially now. I emailed him about my dad coz i thought 'Well, he WAS pretty chummy with my dad when we were together'. And it hurts to not even get a reply from him. Am i really such a threat to his girlfriend that he can't even reply my email about my dad? And am i STILL a so called threat to their relationship? I guess i expected a reply from him considering how serious my dad's condition is. But nothing. Not even a single message. Jeebers! I mean, c'mon... grow up! Plus... i was just browsing through my Friendster and i realised that this girl who was my junior in school and who previously was in my list, is suddenly gone. And i remember that this girl and his girlfriend are good buddies. Ish. The more i think and rant about, the more irritated and cheesed off i get. And hurt too.

Things at home are okay i guess. Dad's coming home this saturday. At least i'll still be around. Can help out, you know. Sigh... a lot of adjustments will have to be made.

Tick Tock...

Why does time sometimes move so slowly and sometimes just zooms past you? Time time... doesn't everyone want more of that?

Well, I've been back home for nearly a week now. And my dad's been in the hospital for more than a week. At least i can breathe a sigh of relief and say that his health is okay. Except for the fact that he's paralysed from the waist down. Ie he can't use both his legs. But he IS slowly regaining his strength back. But the chances of him being able to stand and walk again are slim short of a miracle. And believe me, we're all praying for that miracle. And my sis and brother in law's presence is also very reassuring.

I just wanna say thanks to all my friends and colleagues who have been very supportive to have called or texted me. Thank you very much for all your prayers.

I'm back home. And things don't look good. Lord, please help us in this time of need.

Thank God...

Spoke to my dad this morning. Apparently he's alrite. I mean, he WILL be able to walk again. But just depends on how he recovers and how severe the tissue damage is. So even if it's severe, he'll still be able to walk but not with the same speed as before. But the important things is that he CAN walk. Thank God. Thank you so much.

Thinking whether to go home or not. Mum says no need coz i'll be going home next week anyway. But we'll see.

Praying...

Suddenly all my problems seem so trivial. Mum just informed me that Dad is in the hospital. He fell off the roof in our backyard at about 6 pm today and one of his legs is now 50% paralysed coz he landed on his butt and jerked a nerve or something like that. My first thought was 'What is a 54 year old man doing on the roof?' But then... it's my dad we're talking about. The man who would insist to fix everything in the house instead of calling the experts. And now, look what happened. The doctors said he will heal but it'd take bout 6 months plus physio and all that. Might either have to go through an op which will take faster to heal or wear something around the leg but will take longer. The good things is, he will be able to walk.

Will call him tomorrow so that i'll know more.

I know i haven't prayed in a really long while. But Lord, please help my Dad.

3.02 am on a Saturday morning

It's 3.02 am and i'm sitting here alone in my room. Sayang has gone back to Muar and am waiting for his call to let me know that he's reached home safely. When issit my turn to go back home? Another 2 weeks perhaps? Feeling a bit lonely and down now. So used to coming back to him every night so this weekend without him will be a bit long and stretched. At least i've got the badminton cup to look forward to. Imagine, me sitting on the high chair and umpire-ing a badminton game. Hehehe... Will be playing badminton again tomorrow. Beginning to enjoy the game. Should make it a weekly thing. Next step would be to convince everyone to join in. Gotta find kaki to play with.

This whole week has just been a whirr for me. It passed just like that. Been going to work early and leaving really late. Don't know if i'm really committed to my job or am i just crazy. It's not easy leading a team of 15 people. Gotta deal with each and everyone's attitudes and emotions. And it's not easy telling someone that she's gotta take a day of unpaid leave coz she's got no MC. And it's not easy telling the team that they have to come in early and that they're not paid for working overtime. Overall, it's not easy... but i'm definitely up for it. Yup yup yup.

It's now 3:11. What to do? Can't call anybody to yam cha with me at this ungodly hour. Too late to call the ppl at work. Should have done that earlier. Still too early to sleep. Who else is left? Oh God!!! This post is so bloody sad. Just one of those bouts where loneliness and depression hits you and won't go away till you're with the person you love. Gawd... desperately need a hug from him right now!!! Where's the substitute sayang? Looks like i'll just have to settle for my bolster and two bears. Funny things is, those two bears were from past sayangs. Hehehe... how ironic.

Sigh... what else is there to post? Wanna meet my sistas... been real long since i last saw them. And tubs. And bots. And the rest of the gang. Do give me a call if anything's up. Miss all of them loads.

Okay.. gonna watch Trainspotting now. Gawd... don't i sound sad?

What an eventful week. So many things happened which made me reflect upon myself. And guess what i found? I'm very much influenced by what people think. And that's gonna stop from now. I have to think and make decisions for myself and myself only. Of course, taking into consideration how my decisions may affect the ppl around me but the main thing is, i've gotta stop making decisions based on what ppl may or may not think. Secondly, i don't really think things through before making a decision. I sometimes rush into things. That's gonna stop too. Time to give myself the time to think over things thoroughly before makin a decision as well. Hate making life changing decisions. But then again, life's all about choosing. I've just got to be wiser in deciding things. No more mummy to hold onto my hand, leading me. I know it might be a bit late to finally realise it. I've always known that i've gotta do these things but i guess sometimes it just appears out of nowhere and smacks you in the head. And i've got a great big bruise in the middle of my forehead right now.

Played badminton yesterday. And now my limbs are aching terribly. This is what lack of exercise does to you.

Weekend here and gone

Well well... the weekend has come and gone again. Time just zooms by doesn't it.? Anyway, looks like yours truly is going to be a banker. I start work in a bank effective 1st November. And i will be tendering my resignation tomorrow. :) It's scary thinkgin about starting a new job and getting to know everyone again. But that had to happen sometime sooner or later. As if i would be working in HSBC for my entire life. Hmmm.... me... a banker... sound good?

Company annual dinner last night. As usual got high and happy since there was some sort of free flow of beer. Actually everyone is supposed to get one coupon which entitles you for one mug only. But since i've got contacts, hehehe.. i obviously got more than one. The person in charge of the coupons is close to vijay and so we got like damn lots of coupons. Think i drank like 5-6 mugs of beer. Super high. Talking to cock to everyone. Even ppl i never spoke to in office :) Also, imagine i was dancing in a saree! Gotta be high to do that right? Just hope that no one teases me in the office. Was doing some massive dancing with vijay. What the heck anyway... all in good fun rite?

Highlight of the night: Everyone said i looked damn chun :) So here's 2 photos for you guys to judge. Unfortunately the photos were taken after drinking 3 mugs and me being me... has turned all red.


Sayang and me...



Sayang and me... again :)

Change

Looks like it's time for a change. Although i'm feeling scared and all... i know it's for the better. At least in the long run. Definitely better. At least i'll be able to branch out from there. Plus i'll be learning useful stuff. Hope all goes well by next week. Just a question that's running in my mind. How long does grass stay in the system? Just read online that it stays only a few days. But what is a few days? Is a week enough for it to no longer be in the body? Bloody fuck. Shouldn't have smoked up last week.

Leaning towards getting a Vios. Although he doesn't really like the car but his mum prefers him to get the toyota compared to a waja. Hehehe... like the saying goes 'What's his is mine'.

Annual dinner coming up next week. Looks like i'll just 'recycle' the dress i wore during worlds in SA. After all, i only wore it once and it wasn't even in this country! Let's just hope i can still fit into it!

RHB bank?

Oh dear... a dilemma has popped up this morning. To go or not to go? I'll find out more. Gotta do some research now.

'Love means never having to say you're sorry'

Heard the above line from somewhere. Can't remember where. And i say bullshit. Just because you love that person doesn't mean you don't have to apologize for the wrong things that you do. Anyway, just bear with me. Just ranting.

Watched How to lose a guy in 10 days with him last night. And he had the cheek to say that i was like Andie Anderson. Bullshit! Anyway, was having fun watching him struggling through movie. His face was like 'What the fuck?' everytime she did something psycho. Farnee lar...

Ooh.. he might be buying a new car soon. Might be getting a Vios. Hehehe... his car means my car too, right?

Grass and thanni

Another 27th Aug has passed... and i'm a year older. Don't mind the age, but what bothers me is that i'm still not advancing. I'm still holding on to the same rock. Sigh... oh well...

My colleagues celebrated my b'day in the office. Got a cake and a home made card. Was supposed to go to Kuantan during that long weekend but it didn't happen coz i got into an arguement with sayang before my b'day and he wanted to make it up to me by spending the whole weekend with me and me only. Sweet of him.

Anyway, it's the end of another weekend and i've got bloody work tomorrow.

Celebrated Chanru's b'day last night. Had a massive dinner at this chinese restaurant. Food was extremely good. Then of coz being typical indian (no offense meant) the next agenda was drinking. There were only four girls (me included) and since the boring guys were watching boring football we decided to entertain ourselves by playing a drinking game. Shit. I've never seen a bottle of Absolut finish so quickly by four girls. I think we finished the whole bottle in an hour. So you can just imagine how high all of us were.

One word of advice. Never ever smoke up once you've had alcohol. The feeling is just crap. And i mean it. Crap with a capital C.

Gotta say thanks to all those who took care of me especially my sayang. Thanks for your devotion, attention and tender touch. Thanks for being such a good friend too. I'm sure Susan appreciates it. What you said last night before we slept made me feel very very loved. Well babe, the feeling's mutual.

Bad thing i did for the week: Fed a 3 month old dog vodka.

Sick sick...

Home sick today. Damn bored. Anyone wanna come teman me?

He's back!!! And the world suddenly seems so much brighter and better. :) I know, i know.. sounding real mushy and all but... (grins shyly).

Throughout the whole week, i was just thinking how to celebrate his return... being the hopeless romantic that i am (although i pretend to be macho), i was actually thinking it was going to be real romantic. As in, we'd both fly into each others' arms and hug and make sweet promises not to be apart again. But what REALLY happened was... I went out with Farr and P the whole day and he was with his uncle and cousin. We didn't even see each other until bout 12 am. And when we finally met, there were too many people around and i was feeling extremely shy. Too shy to even go hug him. Gotta give him credit though. He came to hug me first. :) Sweet of him coz i know he's like real shy when it comes to PDA. After that, we hung out with his friends. How romantic and private is that?!? But he was really sweet throughout the night. Paid attention to me; touched me whenever he could etc. Even when we finally came back home, all we wanted to do was cuddle and talk. :)

I really did miss him. Missed complaining to him; missed whining to him; missed bitching bout work to him; missed irritating him; missed him irritating me; missed him calling me 'mata sepek', babi, chipmunk, puppy; missed him telling me that i'm 'ugly'. And a whole lot of other things which i'm too lazy to document.

However, now that he's back, it's like he never left. Everything just fell back into place and is like how it was before. Our lives have centered around each other so much... being apart is weird. Scary. But nice at the same time. Scary because it makes me so much more open to hurt and shit. Nice because we're together.

On another note, was reading a friend's blog and she was blogging bout how her dude is falling back in the romance department. Like how during the start of their relationship, he would leave little notes for her etc. And now after half a year of being together, those small things that signify thought and care have just stopped. :) Typical isn't it? Not only for the guy but for the girl as well. All it takes is effort and of course thought. Just a simple message/note telling the person you care. Gotta remind myself to make that extra effort. But sometimes, you just feel that it's so useless coz you're never gonna get the same treatment back. But does that mean you shoulnd't do it then? I'm thinking back bout my past relationships and it's true that when you're so comfortable with each other, you just forget bout making things special. Going out is a norm. You take each other for granted. Sigh... Gotta admit, i'm guilty on those points.

Thanks a lot to ma sistas for the seafood dinner treat! I am extremely full now and feeling like a stuffed pig. Just gotta curl up now and hibernate like a python during winter.

Have an interview tomorrow morning. Or should i say in about 9 hours time. Hope all goes well!

'This too shall pass' - taken from Annie's blog.

Yes, i sincerely hope this shit i'm facing now will pass... and i hope it passes real quick.

We went a little crazy last night and things got a bit out of hand. Was just a normal night of clubbing and drinking but then some people just didn't know their limits. One pucked in the club. Another three of my friends got into an accident. Thank goodness it wasn't their fault. And everyone's okay. Imagine the shock i felt when i woke up at 6am and saw a message on my phone from Maria telling me that they got into an accident. Shit. Another car hit them as they were making a turn or something like that. The front of the car is totally smashed. But thank goodness that all of them are okay. Just some bruises here and there from the impact. Audrey had to go for an Xray today just to check if her leg's alrite. Apparently the police came and had to tow the car away. Damn. Made me think of the many times i've driven home not entirely sober and have been in cars where the driver was not totally sober. But at least everyone is alright. I was actually supposed to follow that car home too. What if i had been in the car as well? Jeebers... don't even wanna think bout that.

I'm now sitting in my room thanking God once again for looking out for me.

Yesterday was Friday the 13th. An unlucky day? Not for me it wasn't. I got a RM100 voucher for Hard Rock Cafe coz i was the most outstanding performer for my process for the month of July. Even though it's a bit lame and all, it's still nice to be acknowledged. :)

Plus he's finally discharged from the hospital. And his knee is getting better. He was damn depressed though when he was told that he wouldn't be able to play football anymore. At least not competitively. I know how much he loves playing and i feel really bad for him. But at least he's over it and is kind of okay now. Doing all the physio shit. I feel so helpless when he's in pain coz there's nothing i can do for him. He's back in Muar now anyway so there's nothing for me to do. Hope his knee is better when he comes back for his next appointment with the doctor.

Was chatting with an old friend and she was telling me how much she loves her boyfriend and how committed they are to each other etc. And i was thinking, do we really need so much commitment at our age? I mean, it's nice having someone to love and someone who loves you back but she was talking about marriage and settling down and shit. And seems that his parents are also talking about them settling down, getting jobs together, marriage etc. I was just speechless for a bit. I just can't see myself being so grounded. I mean, i'm only 23! It's also nice to dream and just talk bout marriage and shit but i don't actually see myself getting married anytime soon. Touch wood. It's a bit too soon, you know. I mean, just starting off on building a career. Just started living an adult's life. Being independent is cool. And i really like my life right now. I've got a great boyfriend. Great friends. An okay job. Financially okay as well. Really really can't imagine getting married at this age. Let's just analyse me at this point. I love him. He loves me. We enjoy being with each other. We don't mind seeing each other everyday after work. That's kind of like being married rite? Just without the commitments :) Perfect lifestlye. I can still turn and run the other direction if i want to. And the same goes for him as well. Why bother oneself with extra burdens? It's not easy being married. The compromises. The sacrifices. The extra commitments. But then again, some people have different opinions. And you're all entitled to it. And i wish everyone the best if you wanna get married early and have a family and all that. As for me, i like my life now and i think i'll just enjoy it while i can.

Dammit. Woke up early this morning only to find that I still couldn't go to the hospital. His mother was there. So that's like definitely a No No for me to be there as well. Shy :) So i still haven't seen him yet ever since i sent him there on Tuesday. Shit. I know that the last few posts have all been about him but what the heck. I'm worried and i need to see him badly. Luckily his parents have gone back home to Muar and so he's all mine now. First thing tomorrow morning, rushing over to SJMC.

Four more have resigned. Last day is this friday for one of em. Will be going out for dinner then a thanni session with the whole team on saturday. I was pretty depressed when i found out so many ppl resigned. Plus the fact that they all came in after I did. The pressure to leave at that time when i was depressed was just so strong. But had a long talk with my manager and my future's pretty bright right now in the company. So just gonna wait for the next opportunity. Im pretty sure it'd be mine the next time round. I'm already doing so many things, i'm practically swamped with work. No free time for me. Thank goodness we can't bring work back.

I wanna go on writing but my eyes are closing... my fingers are slowing down... my head is drooping... good night all.... ZZzzz...

I've never had anyone close to me go for an operation before. So this is my first time going through the whole process.

Woke up at 6 this morning (more like yesterday morning) to prepare breakfast for him coz he had to eat before 7. Unfortunately, i couldn't even open my eyes so he did everything for himself. That was a big disappointment :) Left the apartment at 9 and reached SJMC at 9.45. Good time eh? Went through the whole procedure of being admitted etc and he finally settled in his room at 10.30. Left him at around 11 coz his mum was coming and had lunch with his uncle.

Went to work with a heavy heart and a head filled with thoughts of him. Ish. And now after work i can't even go see him coz visiting hours are over and they won't let us in.

At least the operation's over. And he's feeling alright. Hope his ligament thingy didn't tear. Will be waking up at 9 tomorrow morning. Gotta rush over to the hospital.

It's now August and i'm still doing the same thing as i was last year. I will once again be celebrating my birthday in the same company in the same position. Sounds sad doesn't it? However, i've come to a point where i realise money isn't everything. I'm not living in poverty. I still have my health. I like my job most of the time. I like the lifestyle that i have. I like my friends. I have a cool family. I have a great boyfriend. What more can i ask for? I am now going to take things one at a time. And i shall not fret over petty things.

On another note, he's lying in the hospital right now waiting for his knee operation. Wish i could be there with him but certain external factors are stopping me. For example, his mother being there as well :) Praying that the op will go smoothly, his ligament isn't torn and that everything will be fine. Get well soon, honey. I'll see you tonight after work.

Haven't been updating my blog quite as regularly as i would like. But it's nice knowing the concern and care your friends show for you when they send you comments and mails scolding you for not writing anything. Shows how they're taking an interest in my life :)

What can i say? Lots of things have been happening recently and i'm just taking some time to digest some of 'em. Don't wanna go into the details but let's just say that i've learnt. And that i'm not afraid to admit when i've done something wrong and also not to bother justifying my actions all the time.

Was supposed to be in pangkor this weekend. Unfortunately, because of a football tackle and an injured knee, trip was cancelled. So instead i spent the whole of friday having a yuppie - type lunch, playing with an adorable mongrel puppy and watching a movie. Sorry bilis, i know i could caught I, robot with you guys but 1 utama was just too far. This mongrel puppy i mentioned earlier is the cutest, cheekiest and smartest puppy i have ever met. It's just so adorable you wanna play with it all day. And now i'm actually contemplating moving into a house just so i can keep a dog. What is it with puppies that just puts a smile on your face?

Met up with the dudes at prab's house. Happy belated birthday prabs!!! Was nice seeing all of them again. Especially tubs, tate and prabs who were all extremely high by the time i got there. And you know what i realised? I definitely prefer sitting in prab's house drinking and talking cock compared to going to a club. Maybe coz i just miss all you guys. Sigh... longing for the good ole days...

I might now be planning a trip to Kuantan. Got a friend who's got an apartment there and he says to come over anytime. Gonna go to the beach, jungle trekking etc. Sounds exciting? Since pangkor didn't materialize, gotta come up with another trip.

It's now sunday afternoon. The sun is hidden behind the clouds and it looks like rain. Time to snuggle under the comforter with a loved one and just snooze the day away.

P.S. Intimate moment of the week: pissing together in the same toilet- twice.

Why does it hurt so much to love someone? Why does loving someone make you so vulnerable to pain? Fuck this feeling. Just feel so depressed right now. Fucked to feel taken for granted and unappreciated for the things you do.  Fuck this feeling. Fuck him. Sometimes i just feel like i do so much for him and what do i get for return? Nothing. Either that or indifference. What's the point i ask you? What's the point in putting in a little more effort because you feel it might make him feel better or just because it's something that he'll enjoy when he doesn't do the same for you? What's the fucking point? Might as well just don't bother. Much easier that way. I wouldn't have to feel like this.

Fuck it lar. Gonna go shopping tomorrow and release some tension. Anyone wanna be my punching bag for tonight?

I finally got it done. My tattoo. And it was surprisingly easy. Did not hurt at all. Well, not much anyway. Not as much as i expected. And now i'm damn excited.

However, on that very same day... i found out that i did NOT get the position. I was so fucking disappointed, i nearly broke down. Even though i kept telling myself not to expect anything, not to hope... it still hurts... really badly. I was so lost for the whole day. And the disappointment was so apparent on my face. Coz everyone knew. And the more ppl came to talk to me about it, the worse i felt. And the worst part is having ppl tell me that I should have been the one to have gotten it instead of him. Whatmore if some of those ppl are from higher levels. And hearing that there's contention among the managers bout the decision is also not helping. The fact is this.. no matter what the contention, what other ppl think.. the decision has already made and announced. And i didn't get it. That's that. I didn't know what to do for a while there. But i talked to a good friend of mine who's a newly promoted manager and he asked me a very important question. Am i willing to wait for another opportunity? And i told him honestly that yes, i am willing to wait but i'm not gonna wait for too long. And he asked me if i could wait for 2 - 3 months. And i said i didn't know. I'd have to think bout it. And over the weekend, i did think about it. And i AM willing to wait. Coz i know that if there's another opening, i'm going to get it this time. Through my own hard work, pure will and determination. I like my job. I like the ppl in my company. And waiting another 2 - 3 months is no biggie. But if i don't get anything after that time... i'd know my destiny ain't with this company and it'd be time for me to leave then. But i KNOW i'm going to get it the next time round. Maybe i didn't do that well during the interview coz i was nervous. I knew everyone expected me to perform and everyone expected me to get it. But i've got no one to blame except myself. But i also know that i didn't screw up the interview. I went in there, and i gave it my best. Perhaps i just didn't come across as clear as i should have. And perhaps i didn't answer the questions and explain myself thoroughly enough. Nevertheless... i'll wait. And i'll get it this time.

My sayang's gone back home. And he'll be there for two weeks. And i'm already missing him. Sigh. Two weeks without him. I know i'm being lame and shit for complaining and whining but this would be the longest we've been apart ever since we got together. We're such an odd couple but yet we're together :) Was just reading Bill's blog and the song 'Angel of the morning'. And i'm really really lucky to have someone wake up beside me and touch my cheek, kiss me on the lips and call me sayang. Or should i say babi since that's what he calls me. I'm his babi and he's my botak. I know this post is gonna be damn mushy and all but heck.. i'm feeling a little lonely here. And it's nice to write about him.

Damn. Just got an sms from him. Jeez... missing him like mad!

I don't understand why, after spending a nice weekend with him, we have to argue when monday comes? I had loads of fun the whole weekend with him but we just had to fight on monday. Just like last week. And the week before that. There's just something about mondays i think. Ish. Unexplainable mysteries.

On anoother note about work, i really really want the position. A million questions are running thru my head. Actually just one. What if i don't get the position? What will be my next move? I know i'm definitely leaving if i don't get it. I'm good enough for the job and if i don't get it, then either a) i fucked up during the interview or b) some ppl are biased. And i don't think it can be a) coz i know i did well. I mean my fucking interview was for like 50 mintues! And i just talked and talked and i think i managed to sell myself. Oh well. Really can't tell. This company works in mysterious ways. But it's just so frustrating to see them hiring externally ppl who are so incompetant and just plain dumb. And these ppl are at a level higher than me. Best part is, my direct manager is one hell of a bimbo. And i'm thinking, if they can hire ppl like her, why can't they see the value in me? I know i'm being arrogant, but it's true! I know i can definitly do a better job than her anyway. It really really is frustrating to see this happening. So, let's just hope i can get the position. Because if i don't, i really don't know what to do. For the meantime anyway.

Pranks are a really mean trick to play on people. Innocent people. Especially pranks that can really touch the heart and kill you inside. I was sleeping soundly when a stupid stunt was pulled on me. And i was really angry (since i didn't know it was a prank i obviously bought his story) at him. Angry, disappointed, sad, hurt etc. And to find out in the morning that it was all a joke. A stupid tasteless joke. What an idiot. What a mangkuk.

I've had a long long day. Came back from clubbin at 8 am, took a shower, slept and was out again by 12. Met up with annie, syl n tubs. Had loads of fun. Ate some weird claypot curry chicken rice at SS2. Then did some poser yuppie coffee bean thingy. Took a drive to cyberjaya, then hung out in my room until everyone was hungry then went to have dinner cum supper.

It's amazing how we can just spend the whole day with each other and not get bored. We can just sit somewhere, have a drink and go on talking and yakking away till the sun sets and rises again. We are just so elite. And the best part is, we can go on telling and rehashing the same stories over and over again and yet we'd still find it extremely funny and will be rolling on the ground laughing. I'm telling ya, you can never find friends like these. Friends who can just enjoy each others' company and just kutuk and swear at each other all in good fun. Sigh... i love those guys.

Going to get some shut eye now. Real tired.

Melancholy...

Feelin a bit melancholy rite now... don't know why. I'm sick again :) Caught it from vijay. Was so tempted to ditch work and just stay at home with him but my conscience just wouldn't let me. So i went to work and felt terrible. Wnet home after an hour at work. What a waste of fucking time. I could have been sleeping all the while. Anyway, at least i had nice lunch/dinner. Oh and apparently my tonsils are swollen and i have wind in my tummy. And i'm supposed to drink lots of warm water (yucks) and eat porridge and bread for the next week (double yucks). Yeah... as if i'm gonna follow the doctor's orders.

Looks like i've got weekend plans :) Meeting up with the chickos for breakfast and a movie. Should be fun. Plus... we've finally decided to go to East Malaysia for my core leave. Will now put it to August. And hopefully the plan materialises!!!

Went out for a drink last night and i got into a massive arguement with vijay on why he was so adamant bout not wanting to bring me home. It's not that i would go back to his hometown with him but i jsut wanted to know that he wouldn't be ashamed to bring me home and show me to his family. Finally the explanation (and this came from his good friend - vinesh) was that it's hard for indians to bring home a girl of another caste, let alone another race. I can't remember what caste vijay's from but it's some land owner caste. Vinesh is kinda having the same problem since his girlfriend is this chinese girl too. Anyway, i dont' know whether the whole explanation is true but i bought it. Now i'm supposed to go back to muar with both of them and stay with vinesh and we're all just 'friends'. Right... as if i'm gonna go.

Urgh... looking around my room and it's such a mess. Another plan for the weekend. Clean up room. My shopping bags from last week are still on the floor with the purchases still in them. My laundry is still unpacked. Books that i've read are still lying on the table. My blanket is pushed into one corner of the bed. Crumpled tissues on the floor next to my bed courtesy of my runny nose. Ish ish.. i'm living in a pig sty!!! Where's a maid when i need one? Any volounteers?

Yawn...

I'm so bored right now. Everyone i know has gone for work. Yes.. even though it's a bank holiday in the UK some ppl have to go to work. And just so happened that my gang is working :( So right now, i'm at home passin time by writing on my blog.

This past weekend has been somewhat nice for me. Really enjoyed myself this weekend. Went clubbing on friday, woke up really late on saturday evening, went for dinner with sayang, met up with the voices dudes (really miss those guys) then going back home to sayang. Spent the whole sunday with him. We didn't even do anything on sunday. Just lazed around, went for lunch/tea, lamed around in midvalley for a while, wanted to catch a movie but the line was just too freakin long, went back to his apartment to get some dvds, got waylaid there for a while :), came back to my house, had dinner, watched 2 movies, lamed a bit more, talked a whole lot of cock, had supper then finally slept. What an interesting and productive day :) ANd i also think this is the fist time in a long while that i've spend the whole day with him, just the both of us. I feel really contented with myself. And with us. I'm really happy that the idiot has finally admitted that he loves me :)

Trying to figure out what i should do today. Think i'll go get a manicure. Then i'll go shopping for some clothes. Then some books. Need to stock up on books. Maybe get something for him. A pair of slippers or something since he's been eyeing Daryl's. Maybe catch a movie. Been wanting to watch Shrek2 for sometime now. Then come back and bask in the warmth of my shopping :) I am so lame. But it's things like these that make me happy sometimes.

I kinda miss home. But my core leave's coming up so think i'll just wait for another couple of weeks before going back home. Looks like i'm not going anywhere this year. Oh well, at least i can say i've already gone to RA and enjoyed myself. I really really wanna go back to Bangkok and just shop like mad. Felt really nostalgic hearing the kids talk bout bangkok and looking at the pictures of asians. Just felt like i wanna go back to those times.

Apparently there's some issue within the club that some ppl aren't happy bout the money being allocated for teams etc. And i was thinking how spoiled these kids are. That just because the club has money now after australs, everyone just wants a piece. What happened to the committed ppl of the club who would just pay to go for tournaments? Annu and I were just looking at each other and rolling our eyes. Farrah, Annu and i paid for ALL our tournaments and never complained one bit. Okay so maybe we did complain sometimes but we still paid and we went representing Voices MMU which is the most important thing after all. Now, just coz the club has money, everyone thinks they should be sponsored. Yeah right. First of all, the new kids don't even have the kind of committment and dedication we used to show. Second, they dont' know how hard it was for us to get sponsorship from uni and how hard we had to work just to prove ourselves. These kids have it easy and they still wanna complain. I'm really wondering what's gonna happen when the seniors graduate. Seniors like Tate, Balloons, Dengz... even ppl like Mac and Ed don't show enough committment. Who's gonna carry the ball next? The reason why the seniors are so dedicated is because they know how hard it was for the founders to build up Voices and to make it the debating society it is today. How all the unis in Malaysia look up to Voices coz of what we have achieved. How those from other unis wanna train with us. Whatever happened to pure love for the club? Treating the ppl in the club as your family. Coz that's what the ppl in voices mean to most of us. They're part of our lives now. Adn they're definitely more than just friends. I just hope voices doens't die out once the seniors leave. That would be so sad. And such a waste.

Do i wanna leave?

That question has been bugging me for the last 2 months. Do i wanna leave the company? And i still don't have the fucking ansewr. I applied for the internal opening and i'm really hoping that i get it. I really really want that position. But the BCB ppl finally called me and they want me to start 1st July. Which means if i take this job i would have to pay the comapny back at least a month. A few other ppl have said it would be better to move on to better things. And sometimes i think that's right. But other times, i'm just so happy there. I'm alrite with the job. I know my job well. Ppl respect me and look up to me. My managers are alrite with me. I've got great friends. And i'm thinking, if i'm so happy, why leave? Isn't personal satisfaction more important than anything? But someitmes i feel so restless. LIke i can be doing so much more with my life.I can be doing somethign so much more challenging. Sigh.. i really dont know. I feel like i've hit a rock in my life right now. Whether to still cling onto that rock or let go and let the current sweep me away to other places. I realise that i've got several of these type of posts before... but like i said... the question of moving on has always been there but i just don't how to answer it.

Paranoia?

Ever been worried when you find out a friend has the hots for the guys you're with? I recently found out that this friend from work likes vijay. I dont' know if she just wants to do him or she really really likes him.. but i'm really bothered by it. I mean, she's my friend and all and we go clubbing together... so it's really weird for me. He knows that she likes him too but he assures me that he doesn't like her and i believe him. But the nagging feeling is just there. And i know she tried to hit on him once already when i wasn't around... or more like she kissed him! Luckily he had the rational to pull back even though he was massively high at that time. So now i'm left wondering if she'll pull that kind of stunt again. And what if he's not that rational the next time? Sigh... I know i cant' do anything bout it but... i just feel really really bothered by that fact. Everytime when i'm with him and she's around, i can feel her looking at us. Even that night when we went clubbing and me and him were just together. And when we were back in the apartment with everyone else and i was being 'manja' with him. Aargh... I hate this feeling. I mean, she's a nice girl and she's a friend and i know it's not her fault if she likes him but still...!!!

On another note, the mmu kids lost in the quarters. Tough luck. And it's an Atenean finals. Ish ish... thank goodness we didn't go crazy and just fly up there.

Had the company launching of the new building today. Everyone was just so dressed up! Including yours truly of course :) Wore my new saree and all.


I feel so pretty...

Woo Hoo...

Damn.. last night was one of the best clubbing nights ever! Went to voyeur in bangsar but the crowd there was very thin at first and i was thinking 'okay... this looks boring..' but then we got a bottle of JD and just started drinking anyway. Bought tequila shots for everyone coz it was freakin cheap. The night really started swinging when we danced on the podium... hehehe... Then, we actually danced on the bar top! Just like coyote ugly! Heehe... and we got free tequila shots for that. Just for dancing on the bar top! Man.. i never imagined myself dancing like that anywhere! The whole night was just amazing. And obviously i got myself swinging in a way i haven't swung in quite a while :) But he was really attentive to me and took care of me and shait. Even in his apartment when everyone else was still drinking. He opted to stay with me when i felt really really sick. That's when i realised how much he actually cares for me. No matter all the bullshit he tells me, he cares for me. A lot. And I'm really happy to know that.

Anyway, today is recovery day. Don't feel like doing anythign except eat and sleep and laze around the house, watching tv or just some light reading. My calfs ache from all the dancing in high heels. I realised i kinda tore my skirt too and i have no idea how that happened. Damn. And i really liked that skirt.

No news bout the breaking teams in Asians yet. I really really hope both teams made it to the semis. That would be fucking elite. They're probably at the championship dinner now. I so badly wanna be there!!!

2 Teams broke!

Fuck! MMU 1 and 2 broke! I feel so proud! And i'm really tempted to fly up to thailand just to watch them debate the breaking rounds. Pity bout MMU 3 though. 5-3 and they didn't make it. Oh well... all of them are still young.. many many more tournaments to prove themselves. Can just imagine the euphoria all of them are feeling right now. I wanna be part of it too!

Tired...

I'm so tired. Just got back from playing futsol. Seems as if that's the 'in' thing right now at the office. Everyone's playing it. Won our game. Hehehe... so we've got bragging rights on Monday!

Stupid BCB ppl told me that my status is still KIV. I was like 'What the fuck?!' but i just kept quite coz they might still want me and i'll just patiently wait for their call... again. This sucks. Just when i thought i could hand in my letter of resignation. Oh well. Let's just hope the internal opening thingy goes well.

Monday's the launching of our new building with Pak Lah coming over. I can't believe i passed up a chance to talk to the guy. But what the hell. I'm not so into these things. Will be wearing some traditional baju. Hope i look good!

Been pretty busy this week. Work wise. Social life too. :) Might be going clubbing tomorrow night. Hopefully. And i've got netball selections tomorrow too. Don't know if i'll go for that but.. we'll see.

The kids are in bangkok right now. I wonder how many teams broke. The plan was to fly up there if 3 MMU teams broke. Oh fuck... i couldn't get leave for the BEP concert. Farrah will begoing with a friend. I'm so jealous. I really really wanted to go. My boss sucks.

I'm rambling. My mind ain't functioning that well right now. Probably coz my head got hit by a flying football just now. It's also late. I could be having breakfast in a while. I'm so so tired.... Need sleep now....

Yay!

Yay! I finally found a way to put pictures up on my blog! Horray for me.. and i did this all by myself...


Don't I just look cute? :)

Moving on

I suddenly have this insane urge to move on with my life. I feel that my life has hit a rock and i'm just stagnant. Not moving anywhere. I just want to get on with my life. Move on in my career. Move on from pandian. Just a general shift and change in my life. I also feel like leaving my company really badly. I just feel that i can't go anywhere from where i am now. Even if it means starting all over again, i want to make that step. I just want to prove myself capable of surviving. I just want to do somethign in my life. I want a job that would enable to me use my brains every single minute. To keep me on my toes all the time. To be ready and sharp and on the edge. I just feel so restless right now. I wanna do something! Anything! Called the BCB ppl today but the lady who spoke to me ain't around and will only be back on Monday. So will try again on monday. Am also applying for a position which opened. Don't know what my chances are of getting it. After all, there'd be tons more ppl applying and only 2 vacancies. But then again, it's not something i really wanna do anyway. But just trying my luck anyway.

I've moved on from Kiley. I just think he and this gf are just being extremely childish, paranoid and neurotic. Everyone's been saying to let him do what he wants and he'll realise soon enough how stupid all this is. Oh well... I'd like to thank everyone for their support though... Everyone's been really helpful and supportive.

Jeebers... I feel like drinking all of a sudden. Drinking, smoking, partying. I've become really addicted to that lifestyle. Every week I just feel like going clubbing. But unfortunately, me finances can't keep up. :) Add the shopping and there goes my $$. Just looking at my credit card statements every month is enough to make me just stay at home.

Was having a chat with Farrah yesterday after work. We just sat and talked bout life, our jobs, lovelives etc. Talked about staying on our own. And the thought of staying by myself just sounded so appealing. I really want to get like a studio apartment and just move in there by myself. I can decorate it anyway i want to. Don't have to worry bout the place getting dirty coz it's be ME dirtying it anyway. Man.. if i can find a place like that for 300 bucks... i'd shift in there right away! So if anyone knows a place like that... do let me know :)

Friends

I've just lost a friend. A really good friend. All because his current girlfriend is 'bothered' about him being so close to me. And so she wants him to end his friendship with me. And he did.

I'm now sitting wondering how stupid he is. And how stupid she is. First of all, we've been apart for over 2 years now. Secondly, we're not even on the same bloody continent. He's in Australia and i'm in freakin Malaysia. How threatened can she feel?!?!? I'm feeling really really angry rite now. If i can see him right now i'd just about punch his stupid face.

I've known the dude for nearly 7 years.. and he's just gonna throw it all away for her. I can understand how she might feel insecure and shit but it's not like we're in close proximity or anything like that! Jeebers!!! I really really don't know what to say. I'm just speechless.

I thought i knew him. But i guess ppl change. And since he's in a new relationship i guess all he wants to do is make her happy. But not at MY expense as well! A year ago, he wouldn't have contemplated such a thing. I just dont' know him anymore. I suppose the year in Aussie has changed him. NOt only physically but emotionally as well. Fuck him. I'm so so disappointed in him. We've stood by each other all these years and now suddenly i'm not suppoesd to be his friend anymore. What the fuck?!?!?

He tells me that he really treasures our friendship and that i'm really special to him etc but he says all that has to be put in the past. She doesn't like me being friends with you so this is goodbye. What the bloody hell fuck??!??!?!?! I just wanna curse right now. ANd he tells me please try to understand. Understand what? The fact that we're in different countries but she still feels insecure? The fact that i'm not even the least bit interested in you romantically and vice versa but she still feels threatened? Understand what?!?!?! There's bloody well nothing to understand. Understand that you're throwing our friendship away just coz your partner doesn't like me?!?!?

I'm running out of energy... I'm just so very very sad now...

PHD...

Still suffering from PHD. Oh well, all good things must come to an end. Sucks though. I keep thinking if only we had a few more days there. Damn. Anyway, have got the photos uploaded onto my shutterfly account. Can't do it on fotopages. It keeps hanging when i try uploading em onto fotopages. Anyway, this is the link:

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeANGrVszaOWruQ

I was just recalling back the trip and trying to figure out which part/day was the funnest and i realised the whole trip was equally fun. As in, nothing surpassed each other. From day one to day four... everything was just perfect. The part where we got called the anal car coz we didn't stop anywhere, the expensive but delicious sotong, the trip to Kuala Terengganu, the struggle with Botex, Garage, Syl and Farrah when they dragged me into the sea with my denim shorts on, the sight of the dudes naked (not a pleasant sight i tell ya), the BBQ, the thanni sessions, the burning questions we asked each other, the soul searching by the beach, the mooning and flashing, the boat ride to pulau kapas, the snorkelling itself, laughing at thiru aka landak boy when he stepped on some sea urchins, getting burnt and suffering the effects now.... Sigh.. i gotta say, thanks so much dudes for making this whole trip a success. Wouldn't have been the same if the company was so elite and cekap :)

Was just reading the other dudes blogs and everyone was just writing about RA. Hehehe... we all had fun. The trip had a really lasting impact on me. Ooh.. forgot to mention that i came out in the NST. There was a reporter from NST there on our last day and was interviewing Syl and I about why we chose to come to Rantau etc... The article is really small and there's a really bad picture of me there.. but hey.. how many ppl can say they were in the papers? Oh yes, we also came up with a plan in the future. The ppl of the RA trip will be opening a resort! And we each have a role to play. It was extremely funny talking about it. Adn it would be really elite if it came true. Imagine having a business with your best friends and growing old with them too. Hehehe...

On another note, went to play futsal last night after work. Was a bit apprehensive at first coz i've never played the game before. But there were a few other girls and it was real fun. Tiring but fun. Got elbowed in the head by nantha and now there's a bruise on my forehead. Hopefully i can hide it with makeup later. Jeebers.. imagine going to work with a bruise in the middle of my forehead. LIke kena abuse or something. Hehehe.... Juliana and I are a bit scared of the match on saturday. We were watching the guys playing among themselves and they got really rough. Even when we were playing with them it was pretty ganas already. Worst part is, there'll only be one girl in our team at a time. Meaning we'd have to play without each other! Jeebers... i figured i just gotta be brutal as well and hope that some of the guys will be soft hearted enough not to bang me. Coz i'm pretty sure i'll just go flyign into the net!

AAH.. .the bruise on my head is becoming more painful as i touch it. Jeebers....

Post Holiday Depression

We're back from the East coast. And now suffering from a post holiday depression. This is the part where i'd have to return back to reality. No more enjoying myself and just ignoring the rest of the world. Oh well... time to get on with life.

The whole trip was just surreal. Extremely surreal. Had shit loads of fun with the gang. I first wanted to post the entire trip starting from day one to the last day but now i'm thinking i don't wanna do that. Just feel like keeping those memories in my head and holding them close to my heart.

I can't even begin to describe the beauty of the beach and the sea. The sight and sound of the waves hitting the shore was just absolutely breathtaking. The friendliness of the resort owners just made us feel so at home. The bbq dinner we had, the swimming together, the snorkelling trip... everything was just perfect. No plans were made but everything just fell into place nicely. No one got irritated. No one got pissed off. No one was whining. No one was complaining. It was just perfect. Sigh...

And so now.. i'm gonna try uplodaing the gazillion photos we took. I am just feeling so nostalgic right now...

RA here we come!

Finally, our rantau trip is materialising. AFter weeks and weeks of planning. Pretty excited bout it. Although i know i'm gonna be a zombie during the drive there coz going clubbing tonight but never mind... the company will be great! :) Gonna take loads of pictures! ALready got my pareo and hat and swimsuit... so i'm ready!!!

On another note, i'm pretty ticked off at stupid pandian. He can be such an arsehole.

Regarding the job offer, they haven't called me back!!! I'm now wondering how long does it take to prepare an offer letter? I mean, they can't call me and tell me i've got the job and then not call me back for the offer letter right? Jeebers, i'm now thinking if it's really this lembap, how is it gonna be working there? Oh well, at least i still don't have to decide yet.

Oops, gotta dress for work now. Rantau abang and the penyus... get ready for voices!!!

Sick sick sick...

Urgh.. i hate being sick. Hate that funny taste in my mouth which i can't wash off no matter how much water i drink. Jeebers.. haven't been sick in a while. Stayed home from work today. Didn't know i could sleep that much :) At least i did something productive as well. Swept my room and changed the bedsheets. Sneding clothes to laundry tomorrow.

Gosh, i can't wait for the RA trip. I don't know why but i just feel it's gonna be a blast. Wish more ppl were coming though. Ppl like Logan, Sumi...It'd be just like old times if they come. The gang complete again.

I feel so shitty rite now. As in physically. Throat hurts. Can't stop coughing. Nose running. And no one to jaga me right now.
:( But he's coming over... so.. just gotta wait for now. And i need to eat real food!!! Have been eating biscuits and nestum the whole day. Easily digestible food, so the doctor says. Gimme some meat anyday!!! A ciggie would taste so good rite now. Quite happy that i'm able to control the amount i smoke.

Ish ish.. i'm rambling. And this post may not make sense. BUt my mind just ain't functioning properly rite now. Actually, the world seems as if it's a little topsy turvy thru my eyes. Cna't even type properly. BUt just needed a place to babble and ramble.

This dude said i looked like a gangster yesterday at work. Hehehe... i couldn't stop laughing. He said i look like a tai ka cheh. So i told him not to mess with me. Since i'm a gangster and all. I'm so full of shit. And crap. How can ppl stand me! I am also very very bored. No one's home rite now so i've got no one to talk to. Called my bestest fren back in penang just now. And got updated with news and gossip :) I need to go back home and hang with my frens back home. Haven't seen htem in a long while now. Sometimes i get too preoccupied with my life ehre and neglect my frens back home. Feel really guilty when they ask when i'm coming back and how come i dont' go back to meet up with them etc. Need to make it a point to go back home at least once a month to hang and chill with them.

I'm playing futsal. For my process. Against other processes. They need one girl in each team and no one wanted to join so when nanthan asked me, i just said okay. And now i'm seriously regretting it. Have no idea how to play. I'm still laughing at myself for saying yes. But i was quite happy that they all think i'm really sporting and all. Oh how much my colleagues love me :)

Saw that stupid girl at work yesterday and got all pissed off and irritated again. She just looks like such a slut. Can't stand the sight of her. And the way she was dancing with him!!!!! Just makes my blood boil. Hmph! Was quite happy that he got tension when i was dancing with the white dude :)

Oh Gosh... this post is just so full of crap. Tired now. Wanna go lie down. Darling where are you?!?!?!?!

Retail therapy

There's nothing more soothing and relaxing than retail therapy. I would seriously recommend this to everyone who's got a bit of money to spend and is just feeling down and confused. Go to a shopping mall, try on clothes that you like and just buy em. Don't think. Just get the cash/card out and get that item. You would feel SO good after that. Get something outrageous too. And then wear it the next time you go out. :) Spent a whole lot of money today. But it felt good. Feeling slightly guilty right now... but never mind :) And what better way to end the day than having a stick.

I'm really glad that the Rantau Abang trip is happening. It would feel extremely good to just get out of KL and go to a place i've never been and just chill out. I can just picture it right now. Sitting on the beach with nothing but my swimsuit and pareo, an ice cold beer in one hand and a ciggie in the other. The wind blowing through my hair, listening to the soothing sound of waves hitting the beach and taking in the magnificent sunset. And who better to enjoy all those things with than my kawan-kawan?

Don't wanna think bout this job thingy for a while. Was pretty messed up the whole weekend and i just wanna chill right now. Thank God for friends who took me out shopping :) Gonna talk to my boss tomorrow and see what my chances are in the company. I am just so afraid of starting over again. Having to make new friends again. Learning a new trade all over again. And i've just got a million things running thru my head. What if i screw up at my new job? What if i can't make new friends? What if ppl don't like me? Will i still have a social life then? What if i can't adapt to my new job? What if i regret leaving? This dude that resigned from the company and is now working elsewhere said something the other day that made me wake up. We asked him how it's like working elsewhere and he said 'Welcome to the real world'. And it is so true. Working in HSBC is nothing like what i've heard bout the working world. There's no overtime. No pressure. You go in to work at 3 and you leave at 12. That's all. EVeryone is just so sheltered. We're like in our own world. Everyone knows everyone (at least i used to - stupid company is now so big). Everyone i know loves me and cares for me.

Sigh... deep inside, i know what the right decision is. But i'm just putting it off till i've spoken to more ppl. Oh man... I'm just so afraid. What if i can't make new friends? What if the ppl there don't like me? What if i screw up and make some company lose millions of dollars? Shit. Corporate banking. NO joke man. I know it'd definitely be a good experience. If i move there it's not coz of the money. Obviously there's a salary jump.. more like a hop but it'd be good for my CV. Imagine the fields i can go to after that. I can work in any bank. It'd be a good career move i guess. I dont' know. I really don't. Sigh...

I'm just gonna dress up now, go to work, and try to enjoy my day. BTW, i would also recommend to get your nails done. Had a pedicure and i feel so pampered and girly rite now with pretty toes :)

Tick.. tick.. tick..

That's the sound of my life right now. I've got until next week whether to accept the new job or not. Haven't talked to my parents about it yet. Just keep putting it off. Have told a few ppl though. And i've got differing opinions. So now i really don't know what to do. This sucks!! I hate having to make life changing decisions!!!

Another friend resigned yesterday. Not someone very close to me but we started work together and she was in my induction class. During her farewell, i kept imagining how MY farewell would be :) Would there be a lot of ppl who would come? Would ppl be sad that i'm leaving? Would anyone cry for me? Would i cry?

On another note, i got hit on by some dudes in the club last night. Jeebers... it's been a while and let's just say it felt quite flattering :) Pretty happy with my social life right now. The comfort level that i've already achieved in my present company is so high.. it's really gonna be hard if i have to leave. All my friends... my clubbing kaki.. my 'ane'... And if i work in BCB, there goes my clubbing life! Oh man!!!

I'm just so confused right now... Can someone just give me an answer?!?!?!?!?

Shaitz...

I got the freakin job. Now what?

He called

He called me today. From his home in Muar.

I thought i found peace within myself. I really thought i did. I was fine for the past week after coming back from home. Did some soul searching back home and came back to KL with a free mind and an unburdened heart. Even when he wanted to come see me, i told him no. But then he needed help. So being the caring friend i am, i said alrite. And he came. And i was sitll fine. Distant, cool, but friendly. However, looks like i ain't such a good actress after all. He sensed there was something wrong. And obviously asked me about it. And being me, i said 'NO there's nothing wrong' like a zillion times before he finally pried it out of me. I told him it was work. But he still wasn't convinced tht was the whole story. And finally i told him. I just poured everything out. And the best part was, i wasn't even angry. I was just pasrah.

He was hurt by some of the things i said. But i couldn't care less. Coz that was how i felt. And i told him that he's always trying to find excuses. He held my hand and said that's not true. I tried to take my hand back but he wouldn't let go. And then we were quiet for a long while and i fell asleep. Was drifting between slumberland and consciousness when he called my name and turned to me. And then the things he said just melted me. Just blew away the wall that i had put up for the whole week. Just reached into my soul and messed everything up again. And once again, we slept in each other's embrace.

But i'm not hoping for anything. With him, i've learnt not to expect. Learnt not to hope. If he keeps to what he says then it'd be really good for both of us. But if he doesn't, then... it'd just be like how it is rite now. Time to build that wall again.

On another note, i've got black hair now. And let me just say, there's nothing sexier and more elegant than soft, black hair. :)

Good night

Another day, another week. Good night world.

Wearing experience

Urgh... everytime i come home, i'd feel damn happy. Happy to be back in my home, see my family, sleep in my room etc. But after a while, it gets really really wearing. On my nerves! I mean, i understand that all they wanna do is make my stay comfortable and they want me to eat good food and so but why can't they just leave me alone for one second?!?!?! And they keep asking me to eat! And eat! And just to please, i'd eat. Even though i'm freaking full! Sigh, I mean, sometimes i just wanna read a book or watch tv and don't feel like talking or eating but no... they'd have to talk and talk and talk and nag and complain (especially the nagging.. i can't stand the nagging!!!) until i feel like tearing my hair out! So sometimes, i just give one word answers or better yet, don't answer at all, and then mum will complain how come i don't talk to her like her other friends' children. And then i'd feel bad. But yea, i can just imagine telling my mum my escapades and how i'm in a physical relationship with a dude and that i just recently got so high, i couldn't stop dancing and flirting. Imagine what she would say then! Why can't they just understand that i just feel like being anti social once in a while?

So i'd feel like going back to KL as soon as i can. Then, when i reach KL, i'd feel bad for not spending enough time with my family, for not talkng enough to them. But they just irritate me so much at times!!! AARGH!!! Ish... the ups and downs of being home. Forget the last post, man bout feeling good being home. That feeling lasts about maybe a day. Jeebers. I guess i've been living away from home for too long. Living alone too long now that family fawning gets tiring. Either that or maybe it's just me. I'm weird. I yearn for company but at the same time, i wanna be alone. What's wrong with me? I always end up feeling bad and guilty when i leave home and go back to KL.

Anyway, i'll be leaving soon. So just to please em, i'm going to have to go downstairs and.. u guessed it.. eat. How not to get fat?!?!?!?

Home sweet home

Aah... it feels real sweet to be writing from my home. And i mean home. Not house, not room, not apartment... but home. As some of my friends have put it before, home is where your family is. Started from SK at around 10 something and reached home at 2 something. During the drive i realised i need new cds. Getting bored with the ones i have already.

BCB called me up for an interview this wednesday. The position is for a corporate banking executive. God knows what that is all about. As long it's not sales. Anyway, it sounds pretty alrite. Had a phone interview before they called me again. I'll just go and see what it's about. Hopefully it's something really good :) Only problem is it's at 10 am. And i'm not too sure how to get there. Good God.. imagine if it's really something better and i get accepted. Wow. But i'm not gonna think about it. Don't wanna get any hopes up at all. I just want my stupid company now to announce the bonus and increment so that i'd at least know what my next step will be.

Was thinking of going to Yayasan Salam and seeing what kind of program is available. The thought of going to camobodia or wherever sounds really tempting. I feel like i wanna do something with my life. Somethign different. Something that may be able to help others and make a change. I can just imagine telling my parents that i'll be going to God knows where to do volunteer work. :)

Have i written that it feels really good to be home? Really, there's no place like home. No other place i just wanna hang, watch tv and eat home cooked food.

Drunkards and Hangovers

Oh man... I woke up this morning and had a massive hangover. There goes my plan of driving back home today :) But the hangover was well worth it. Had an extremely good time at Waikiki's. And i mean a REALLY good time. If you know what i mean... And i'm such a kudi-kari. And i realised i know quite a bit of Tamil. Not bad Hele, not bad. I also realised i can be somewhat of a flirt too :) BUt only when i'm high of coz. Also, i think i'm quite the cupid. Hmm... looks like i discovered stuff about myself last nite. What a night, i tell ya. Nothin like the high feeling one gets when one has imbibed a wee bit too much alcohol. Man, i haven't felt like this in a long while. The drinks, the dancing, the company, the flirting, more dancing, more drinks, socializing... to relive last night again :)

Pictures

Just thought i'd put up the link to my photos.


http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b37084d1a45d (work pictures)

http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b3716ff4c4d9 (eastin party)

Monday's over!

Yay! I got thru this bloody day! Don't know why but today was just especially bad for me. I don't usually feel like this every monday but i just woke up today and thought 'fuck...' Anyway, went to work and very nearly went back home early on the pretense that i was sick :) Unfortunately had no one to pick me up from work so i stuck thru the day. Thank God for irritating colleagus who just irritate you just much until you have no choice but to energize yourself to scold them :) And also gossip mates who fill your ears with the latest updates in the company ie who's dating who, who likes who etc. What can i say... i have a great bunch of colleagues who just somehow manages to entertain me and get me thru days like these.. when the thought of going to work is just so unbearable.

And so right now, to celebrate the end of monday (for me at least), i'm gonna curl up under the blankie, watch old episodes of Simpsons, drink milk and eat chocolate chip cookies. Sounds just about perfect.

Monday blues

Woke up with a splitting headache, sore limbs and the thought that i have to go to work. I hate mondays....

Aches and Pains

My whole body is fucking aching. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My belly hurts. Thanks to netball yesterday. Yes, I actually played netball. After God knows how long. And i realised how fucking unfit i am. Felt so damn tired after just playing for a while. But it was fun. Tiring but exhilirating. Nothing like exercise and fresh air.

But now i'm suffering from the aftereffects. Tired and strained muscles. Even typing is taking some effort. I just feel immersing myself in a tub of warm water filled with bubbles and having a good book to read. Unfortuantely, no tub and no good book. I need to go book shopping really badly.

On another note, celebrated sylvio's b'day last night. Had the most amazing bak kut teh ever :) Of coz since it was accompanied with great company and interesting conversation, the meal was just spiced up even more. After the amount of meat, we moved on to dessert. And what better dessert than McDonald's ice cream :) Plus, we had syl's b'day cake which was this moist chocolate cake. Yum... Man do i feel fat now! And what better way to end the night by hanging out with your girlfriends, watching a movie, taking cock and then finally meeting the one you like and going to sleep with his arms around you and a smile on his face.

Everytime i say i wanna pull away, i get sucked back in. I'm such a ninny and a sucker. But what to do... I'm currently hooked on him. At least now i know where i stand with him. So let's just hope i meet my prince charming really soon!!!

Two friends around me have gotten themselves on the 'relationship' train. And seeing them in love and happy makes me so envious at times. I mean i used to be like that. :) I look at Annie and i feel really happy for her. Happy that she's found someone she can connect with after so long. That she's found someone after thinking she's gonna end up alone. With Melissa though, it's a bit weird. Considering the fact that the dude just told me he liked me like about a month ago. I'm really wondering if she knows bout that little incident in PD. :) ANyway, it's not my problem but it's just weird la.

Ooh... speaking bout weird... reading bout your ex-boyfriend getting together with another girl is weird! Yes, Ed seems to be getting together with Evonne. And reading bout it is making me feel really really off. I mean, i don't want the dude but it's just really weird reading how much a girl likes your ex-boyfriend, and what they did and where he took her etc. And to read bout him taking her to a restaurant where I took him to... is even weirder. I guess i'm just a little sore that he's in a relationship. And that she's still so young and filled with romantice dreams and that life is still a bed of roses for her. When i'm already disillusioned with love and life and just so jaded. Oh god.. I'm so old and bitter! :) Look at what age does to you.

Sigh... i've come to realise that actually friends are all i need now. And i've got a bunch of really great and wanky friends. So sylvia, happy birthday to you and here's to more b'days we'd celebrate together!

Empty and meaningless

Ever felt that your life was just so meaningless? That you're just living from day to day, hour to hour doing mundane stuff that don't carry any meaning at all to your life? Sigh, this past week has just felt like that. Just felt like everything in my life is meaningless. I'm not donig anything to change the world. Even my attempt at being a polling agent to ensure a fair elections was met in vain. I wonder what's the reason we exist? Are we supposed to make a difference? Or is it all just about shaping and moulding your own life? Is it about finding what you're best at and doing that thing? Or about finding your soul mate and sharing your life with that person? Will life get better once you find your soul mate? And what's this soul mate thing? Is there really a person out there who's yours? Is there really a someone for everyone? Considering the ratio of men to women.. highly impossible.

Was just doing some thinking last night. Sitting on my bed in my dark and hot room (due to the fact a fuse blew in my house) and just pondering upon the meaning of my life. My job sucks, and yet i'm in a position too comfortable to move. My love life sucks, and yet i'm still hanging on to the thought that maybe it'd change. My financial status is measly, and since it's connected to my sucky job, it doens't look like it's gonna change till i change jobs. And i realised, i'm really good at whining and complaining. At least to cyberspace. So, instead of whining about my sucky life, i'm now gonna take a stand and change. Time to move on.
So here's a list of things i'm gonna do:

1. If no advancement come April, hand in resignation letter and look for better prospects.
2. Stop hoping for a change with vijay and just be friends.
3. Look for part time jobs during weekends.
4. Join NGOs or charities and help out during weekends (if part time job doesn't work out).

Now all i have to do, is make sure i keep to the game plan.

Thought i'd post about my day at F1 but a picture speaks a thousand words. So, here's a link to the photos i took.

http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b37224646510

Disillusioned

The next blog was supposed to be bout my experience at F1 and how it was like being in the VVIP rrom with excellent service and food. However, that experiece pales in comparison to what happened during election day. And so i will write bout elections first.

Was contacted by Bill to help out and become a polling agent for Keadilan. It was defintely a good move that i agreed to help. I now realised how fucked the whole electoral process is. And how cunnign and sly certain parties can be. And to what extent ppl will go to just to win. I was just amazed and shocked to hear all the stories told by an ex-BN man. And to actually see how biased the EC ppl are during elections was just shocking. Plus the fact that our votes ain't anonymous just added to the whole pile. To think that all my life, i've believed that this voting process was fair and our votes were anonymous and that our government actually just wins fair and square.

How would your reaction be if you found out that there are 96 ppl registered under the same address just so that they can vote for that constituency? So that a winning number of votes is assured if they can pull ppl out from a sure win consituency to another. What about the fact that the polling clerks write your serial number on the counterfoil of your ballot slip so that your vote aint' a secret anymore and that they can trace back your vote anytime? What about during kira undi time, a blackout might suddenly occur and extra ballots are placed into the box when it's dark and everyone else is still blur? What about changing the number of votes on the Borang after the counting's done to ensure that you either won or won by a higher margin? And this last one really takes the cake. In rural areas, helicopters are used to bring the ballot boxes. So after the voting, Helicopter A leaves the village but Helicopter B (which looks exactly the same as A) lands at the couting station with different ballot boxes. Boxes that have enough fake ballots inside to ensure a win. Can you imagine all these things happening? And all these stories were told by a man who was once involved in all that.

At first i was still in disbelief and still thinking that things can't be THAT bad. But i was wrong. Things ARE that bad. And being a polling agent really opened my eyes. Even though i was under the keadilan flag, i never supported them. I just thought it'd be interesting to see how things go and to just ensure that no hanky panky happens. But i couldn't do anything. The hanky panky still went on and i was helpless. The writing of voters' serial numbers still went on. The phantom voters still got to vote for the ppl who paid them to vote. Voicing out your 'bantahan's just didn't work coz they fell on deaf ears. The EC ppl just didn't care. Just said they were following orders. This is what they have been instructed to do and we can't do anything bout it. That this has been going on for 20 over years so it's alrite. They know what they're doing. Aren't these EC ppl supposed to be impartial and shit? But it was so obvious how biased they are. And you could actually see how happy they were when BN won. Their faces just said everything.

Felt like shit when we lost. Just depressed and really disillusioned. Had a mini debate with my boss. Said that there's nothing anybody can do bout this. So if you cant' fight em, join em. Fuck it. Never. He also said that Malaysians have become so comfortable with the life that has been offered that they dont' wanna change anything even though they know that corruption and nepotism is going on. That they won't do anything if they might get into trouble. And i was thinking, have we really gotten to be so complacent? And sad enough, the answer seems to be yes. Most ppl are just afraid to voice out. They'd just take whatever's fed to them. And even though they know that writing their serial code is wrong, they won't say anything coz they're afraid. Fear. That's the biggest factor. They're afraid of going against the party that will win and being found out that they voted for the opposition. Afraid of what will happen to them. That's exactly what our government has instilled into us. Go against them and something bad will happen to you.

Oh well. All is said and done. Elections are over. BN got a landslide victory. They won back Terengganu. Every reason for the government to celebrate now. Just gotta keep on believing that a change WILL come one day. That wll this shit will disappear for good one day. And i really believe that one day, we will live in fair country.

Depressed

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Usher's Seperated and feeling extremely depressed. I just feel so lonely right now. Work is depressing. Love life ain't happening they way i want it to be. I"ve come to the conclusion that all i want right now at this very moment is someone to love whom will love me back. And in my current situation, i'm just heading down a one way street. Why? Why am i in something which i know will never work out? Why bother? I thought i could live with something like this but i realise that i can't. And yet i can't let go. And i hate myself for being weak. For not being strong enough to say Fuck it. I need something more. I want something more. So go screw yourself. I thought we had something more going on but there wasn't. At least not for him. That's when i realised that it's still all fun and games for him. I'm the only one wanting to take this a step further. Hence, the one way street. I'm such an emotionally dependent person and i hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being strong enough to change as well. I hate myself for not being able to let go. For wanting to stay on. For wanting to see him. Touch him. Kiss him. Care for him. I hate myself so much right now. And i hate him for making me feel this way. Why did he have to come into my life and mess it up? Why did he have to say all those sweet things to me and to make me fall for him? I know that this started out as just a 'enjoying each other's company' kinda thing and it's shitty that it's not the same anymore. I know i entered into this willingly and so i shouldn't gripe and complain and whine but i seriously didn't know that i would actually fall for him.

I hate all this shit. I nearly did it the other day. I very nearly ended it. I so wanted to tell him to just fuck off and get out of my life. But i just couldn't. My brain was telling me better to end it now and hurt now rather than prolong it, fall for him even more and then hurt even more later. But my heart was telling me to hold on. There's always a chance. He already cares for you now. There's a chance that it might turn to love. ANd so i listened to my heart. And now i'm still in this. Holding on. Holding on to that single thread of hope that he would feel for me the way i want him to. Sometimes, he's just so sweet and caring that the thread weaves itself into a tapestry. Other times, he's just so selfish and unreliable the thread frays and is on the verge of breaking.

The ironic part is that everyone thinks we're together. And he tells ppl we're together. Which makes everything even more confusing. How can he tell ppl we're together and yet not want to 'be' with me? I don't need a label or commitment from him. All i want is the feeling and the knowledge that i'm loved and that he's thinking of me like i think of him. I just want to love him and for him to love me back. I just want to know that i'm important in his life. I asked him the other day if it would matter to him if we stopped seeing each other. His answer was like a stab in my heart. He said either way would be fine for him. He could live with either. At that point, i just wanted to knee him in the groin and ask him to fuck off. Didn't do the former, but i did tell him that i choose not to see him anymore then. BUt the bastard said no. He still wanted to see him even if i didn't want to. And yet he says it doesn't matter to him if he doesn't see me. What the fuck?!?!? If he ain't trying to confuse, then i don't what he's up to.

I just feel so tired of thinking bout this. So tired of thinking of him. Tired and depressed. I so badly want him here with me now to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want him to kiss me and stroke my back, my hair and watch me sleep. I'm so tired of struggling with myself. So tired of pretending that everything's okay, i'm cool with everything and nothing's gonna hurt me. So tired of being that pillar of knowledge and strength at work. When actually i'm just crying and falling apart inside. So so very tired.

I'm just gonna curl up in bed now. Try to read and listen to Separated. And shed a few tears for myself.

Usher
"Separated"

Oh no, no, no, no

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Electoral fever

Elections are coming. Politicians are campaigning. All over you see posters and flags of the different parties hanging on street lamps, bus stops, etc. Everywhere you go, you hear people talking about who they're going to vote for, who's standing for which district, the party which they think will win, how many seats BN is going to get this year etc. And unfortunately for me, I won't be able to do anything. All because i neglected to register myself as a voter. All this while i've thought that it doesn't matter whether i vote or not coz somehow or other BN always wins. But now i've come to realize that the result doesn't matter. It's the fact that i should be practicing my right as a citizen of this country to vote. I should practice my right to democracy. And even though i know that things won't change even if i do vote, at least i know i tried to make a difference instead of just whining and complaining.

I'm just waiting for a change to take place. A change that will take away all classifications of race and where a Bangsa Malaysia will actually happen. Where everyone will just be called malaysian. And a change that will allow more non-bumis into universities. Or better yet, make all university entries based on merit which really should be the case. And that corporate ownership need not have a bumi owning a certain percentage. Doesn't the government ever wonder whether these so called special rights piss other ppl off? That it's looked upon as unfair? That giving things to ppl based on their race is just bullshit? Or has Malaysia settled into a such a state of complacency that they just accept whatever the govt feeds them? As long as there's water, sewage system, adequate jobs, enough food and money... every other unfair treatment is jujustified? I've heard ppl who've said that we're so much better off than other 3rd world countries coz we've got no war and extreme poverty and because of those things, our government is doing a good job. But what about the other things? The fact that we're being discriminated against based on race? The fact that we have to pay a huge sum for tertiary education just because we're of another colour? The fact that we can't get a job as a civil servant just coz we're of another race? I mean if bumis can't get in universities based on merit, doesn't that tell us something? That they're maybe just not good enough? If the state of governtment offices, where majority of the workers are not non-bumis, is slow and inefficient tell us something as well? It's because these ppl know they're given chances and easy access to things where they become lazy and feel they don't have to work for anything. Whereas the others would have to strive just to earn a spot.

Some ppl argue that these rights have been there since independence so we shouldn't change them. That it was promised to them. But that was then and this is now. That was a time when perhaps they needed to be protected coz there were immigrants coming and so on. But it's the present now we're talking about. Everyone should be equal. Especially since we're supposed to be only one race. But how can we be classified as one when certain sections of the 'one' will be given extra privelages? How can we be referred to as only one race when everyone does not get equal treatment?

This is getting depressing. Everyday, i hope for a change. And everyday, nothign changes. I want to love my country - no questions asked. I look around and i see the development and progress and feel proud of my country. But how can i love my country wholeheartedly when my country doesn't?

Shitola

Why do I feel so insulted when I found out that after my relationship with ed ended, he automatically went back to pining for that girl again? I mean, it's not like he broke up with me. After all, i was the who called off the relationship. Jeebers... I'd like to think i made an impact in his life! Or at least maybe a little dent! Now after reading his blog, it just seems as if i was a pit stop. A transit. Sigh... i guess it really doesn't matter anymore but still!

Read evonne's blog too. I really feel sorry for her. She really likes that dang ed who's pining away for some girl who doens't give two hoots about him. Who's just playing him like a fisherman would play a fish hooked on his line. I mean, i get really irritated with at times... especially those times when i wasn't with him yet and he told me bout how this girl had been treating him and stuff. I mean c'mon! It's so obvious that she's playing you!

Other times i really wonder how it feels like to really like one person for so long. To think the world of that person. To be willign to do anything for that person. To only want to be with that one person. Is this what is called love?

I've never had that kind of feeling before. That feeling of only wanting to be with that person. I mean yeah, when i'm lonely i guess i'll feel that way. Heck, anyone would feel that way. But i've never felt that kind of longing. That kind of wanting. With my past relationships, it was just a matter of filling time and doing stuff together and of course satisfying those hormones. No wait, i'm being too hard on myself. I should say that i HAVE felt those things but perhaps not so much in depth. And not so often as well. I was just thinking and i don't think i ever wanna have that feeling. That wanting and longing. Makes you so dependent on that person. As if i would die for that person. And i don't like being dependent. On anybody.

I like the fact that i can live my life alone. Albeit it'd get lonely at times, but i think i'm pretty much a loner. Gimme a a good book and iced tea anyday. And i LIKE shopping alone. I like spending time by myself and just browsing without a worry in the world (except maybe not having enough cash).

I suppose what i have now with vj is kind of perfect. I can live my life and he lives his. Don't have to be like siamese twins and do everything together. I'm cool with the fact that we can both live seperate lives and yet be together. I'm cool with that we've got different sets of friends. I guess i'm just cool with my whole situation with him right now. Although sometime, i do feel like wanting more but i know that's not what i want right now.

ALthough he's not perfect and i know he can be quite unreliable at times, i like being with him. I enjoy his company. I like talking to him. I like the way he listens to me when i complain about work. I like the way he looks at me. I like the way he strokes my hair, my cheek. I like the way he holds my hand to his face when he's sleeping. The way he hugs me to him just before he nods off to slumberland. I like the way he smiles at me and calls me Japanese. I like the way he kisses me. The bear hugs that he gives me just before he leaves. The gentle kiss on the forehead before he leaves. The way he laughs at the nonsensical things i say. The way he's so fascinated by my facial expressions. The way he apologizes when i get mad at him. The way he tries to irritate me and gets irritated instead when his plan didn't work. The way he tells me i'm cute and sweet. The way he tells me he likes my ass :) And oh gosh... the way he touches me in private :) Let's just say the bedroom games are good.

Oh man... something tells me that i'm falling real hard for this guy. Someone get me rope to hold on too!

Moving on

Oh man. The day for Preeta to leave the company has come. I really didn't feel it when we left work on friday coz i knew i'd still be seeing her over the weekend but as i gave her a hug before leaving her house just now, it just suddenly hit me that we woulnd't be able to see each other that often anymore. No more lunches before work. No more after work suppers. No more looking for bapuk sessions on fridays after work. It just feels that i'm losing a friend. I know that we'd meet up during some weekends and stuff but it just wouldn't be the same anymore. All of us have been together since our university days and even after leaving after uni, we knew we'd be working together since we applied to the same company, so somehow it just didn't feel like one of us was moving away. But i guess we can't always be together. All a part of life to move on to something better. So now our car pool number has decreased from four to three. Sigh. Things definitely won't be the same without Preeta. All the best to you P!

Working Life

This is the first time where i really felt that working life is a real drastic change from what we're used to if we're still in university. I mean, all this while i knoew it was different bla bla but today really takes the cake. Adn this is the first time i'm actually mentally tired after a day at work. I mean, c'mon, who can get tired doing my job? But today... whew!

I really hate it when my integrity is questioned and lately that seems to be happening a lot. And it gets worse when those ppl don't come directly to me about it. I mean, i'll admit if i'm wrong but if i know i'm correct obviously i'll fight to the very end to defend myself! And at least i know i'm big enough to to say i'm sorry if i'm wrong unlike some ppl. Shit. Damn. I knwo i'm not making much sense but what the heck. OH well, at least we got a chance to hash it out today and bring it to the attention of upper management. And i don't know if i should be glad or not that my team chose me to represent them in voiceing out what we think. Sigh... today's the first time i really felt over laden with work too. Shit i actually stayed back to finish my work! And i hate it that i'm being paid peanuts for it. Shit.

Emotional attachments

Was talking to Tubs the other day and he asked me this question "Why do girls always attach emotions to everything?" In this context, he was referring to why girls can never have a purely physical relationship. At first i was of course trying to defend females but then when i really thought about it, i realised i personally have not been able to carry on a physical relationship with no strings attached. Somehow or other, those dang emotions barges in and sometimes takes over. Speaking about myself of coz. I mean, I really don't know about other girls, but I just can't see myself with more than one man at a time. Even in my current situation, it started off as a no emotions-purely physical thing but now... it's not like that.

And i was thinking to myself, how bad is it that emotions are now involved? Found that the answer was 'Not too bad'. I mean, I like 'likeing' a person. I like the feeling of thinking of someone and wondering what that person is doing or whether he's thinking of me. And it feels really good when you know that person is thinking bout you too and missing you. I like the feeling of calling up that person and just chatting. I like the burst of happiness I feel when I finally meet that person. I like hugging him and touching him and doing the dirty with him. I like being cuddled and told i'm sweet. I like being kissed and being told that i'm a good kisser :) I like going shopping and looking out for nice things I can get for him. I like leaving little notes on his office table and that's the first thing he'll see when he gets to the office. I like the feeling of him watching me in the office. I like laughing with him. I like telling him little anecdotes of my life and making him laugh. I like it when he makes me laugh. The list goes on and on. I like all these little things that emotional attachement brings. And even though I know that it makes me that much more vulnerable to getting hurt in the end, I really don't mind. Coz getting hurt is all a part of life. And if getting hurt means i'll have that i said, then what the heck... bring on the 'hurts'! I'd rather have all the happy things and get hurt in the end than not have anything at all.

I