Empty and meaningless

Ever felt that your life was just so meaningless? That you're just living from day to day, hour to hour doing mundane stuff that don't carry any meaning at all to your life? Sigh, this past week has just felt like that. Just felt like everything in my life is meaningless. I'm not donig anything to change the world. Even my attempt at being a polling agent to ensure a fair elections was met in vain. I wonder what's the reason we exist? Are we supposed to make a difference? Or is it all just about shaping and moulding your own life? Is it about finding what you're best at and doing that thing? Or about finding your soul mate and sharing your life with that person? Will life get better once you find your soul mate? And what's this soul mate thing? Is there really a person out there who's yours? Is there really a someone for everyone? Considering the ratio of men to women.. highly impossible.

Was just doing some thinking last night. Sitting on my bed in my dark and hot room (due to the fact a fuse blew in my house) and just pondering upon the meaning of my life. My job sucks, and yet i'm in a position too comfortable to move. My love life sucks, and yet i'm still hanging on to the thought that maybe it'd change. My financial status is measly, and since it's connected to my sucky job, it doens't look like it's gonna change till i change jobs. And i realised, i'm really good at whining and complaining. At least to cyberspace. So, instead of whining about my sucky life, i'm now gonna take a stand and change. Time to move on.
So here's a list of things i'm gonna do:

1. If no advancement come April, hand in resignation letter and look for better prospects.
2. Stop hoping for a change with vijay and just be friends.
3. Look for part time jobs during weekends.
4. Join NGOs or charities and help out during weekends (if part time job doesn't work out).

Now all i have to do, is make sure i keep to the game plan.

Thought i'd post about my day at F1 but a picture speaks a thousand words. So, here's a link to the photos i took.

http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b37224646510

Disillusioned

The next blog was supposed to be bout my experience at F1 and how it was like being in the VVIP rrom with excellent service and food. However, that experiece pales in comparison to what happened during election day. And so i will write bout elections first.

Was contacted by Bill to help out and become a polling agent for Keadilan. It was defintely a good move that i agreed to help. I now realised how fucked the whole electoral process is. And how cunnign and sly certain parties can be. And to what extent ppl will go to just to win. I was just amazed and shocked to hear all the stories told by an ex-BN man. And to actually see how biased the EC ppl are during elections was just shocking. Plus the fact that our votes ain't anonymous just added to the whole pile. To think that all my life, i've believed that this voting process was fair and our votes were anonymous and that our government actually just wins fair and square.

How would your reaction be if you found out that there are 96 ppl registered under the same address just so that they can vote for that constituency? So that a winning number of votes is assured if they can pull ppl out from a sure win consituency to another. What about the fact that the polling clerks write your serial number on the counterfoil of your ballot slip so that your vote aint' a secret anymore and that they can trace back your vote anytime? What about during kira undi time, a blackout might suddenly occur and extra ballots are placed into the box when it's dark and everyone else is still blur? What about changing the number of votes on the Borang after the counting's done to ensure that you either won or won by a higher margin? And this last one really takes the cake. In rural areas, helicopters are used to bring the ballot boxes. So after the voting, Helicopter A leaves the village but Helicopter B (which looks exactly the same as A) lands at the couting station with different ballot boxes. Boxes that have enough fake ballots inside to ensure a win. Can you imagine all these things happening? And all these stories were told by a man who was once involved in all that.

At first i was still in disbelief and still thinking that things can't be THAT bad. But i was wrong. Things ARE that bad. And being a polling agent really opened my eyes. Even though i was under the keadilan flag, i never supported them. I just thought it'd be interesting to see how things go and to just ensure that no hanky panky happens. But i couldn't do anything. The hanky panky still went on and i was helpless. The writing of voters' serial numbers still went on. The phantom voters still got to vote for the ppl who paid them to vote. Voicing out your 'bantahan's just didn't work coz they fell on deaf ears. The EC ppl just didn't care. Just said they were following orders. This is what they have been instructed to do and we can't do anything bout it. That this has been going on for 20 over years so it's alrite. They know what they're doing. Aren't these EC ppl supposed to be impartial and shit? But it was so obvious how biased they are. And you could actually see how happy they were when BN won. Their faces just said everything.

Felt like shit when we lost. Just depressed and really disillusioned. Had a mini debate with my boss. Said that there's nothing anybody can do bout this. So if you cant' fight em, join em. Fuck it. Never. He also said that Malaysians have become so comfortable with the life that has been offered that they dont' wanna change anything even though they know that corruption and nepotism is going on. That they won't do anything if they might get into trouble. And i was thinking, have we really gotten to be so complacent? And sad enough, the answer seems to be yes. Most ppl are just afraid to voice out. They'd just take whatever's fed to them. And even though they know that writing their serial code is wrong, they won't say anything coz they're afraid. Fear. That's the biggest factor. They're afraid of going against the party that will win and being found out that they voted for the opposition. Afraid of what will happen to them. That's exactly what our government has instilled into us. Go against them and something bad will happen to you.

Oh well. All is said and done. Elections are over. BN got a landslide victory. They won back Terengganu. Every reason for the government to celebrate now. Just gotta keep on believing that a change WILL come one day. That wll this shit will disappear for good one day. And i really believe that one day, we will live in fair country.

Depressed

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Usher's Seperated and feeling extremely depressed. I just feel so lonely right now. Work is depressing. Love life ain't happening they way i want it to be. I"ve come to the conclusion that all i want right now at this very moment is someone to love whom will love me back. And in my current situation, i'm just heading down a one way street. Why? Why am i in something which i know will never work out? Why bother? I thought i could live with something like this but i realise that i can't. And yet i can't let go. And i hate myself for being weak. For not being strong enough to say Fuck it. I need something more. I want something more. So go screw yourself. I thought we had something more going on but there wasn't. At least not for him. That's when i realised that it's still all fun and games for him. I'm the only one wanting to take this a step further. Hence, the one way street. I'm such an emotionally dependent person and i hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being strong enough to change as well. I hate myself for not being able to let go. For wanting to stay on. For wanting to see him. Touch him. Kiss him. Care for him. I hate myself so much right now. And i hate him for making me feel this way. Why did he have to come into my life and mess it up? Why did he have to say all those sweet things to me and to make me fall for him? I know that this started out as just a 'enjoying each other's company' kinda thing and it's shitty that it's not the same anymore. I know i entered into this willingly and so i shouldn't gripe and complain and whine but i seriously didn't know that i would actually fall for him.

I hate all this shit. I nearly did it the other day. I very nearly ended it. I so wanted to tell him to just fuck off and get out of my life. But i just couldn't. My brain was telling me better to end it now and hurt now rather than prolong it, fall for him even more and then hurt even more later. But my heart was telling me to hold on. There's always a chance. He already cares for you now. There's a chance that it might turn to love. ANd so i listened to my heart. And now i'm still in this. Holding on. Holding on to that single thread of hope that he would feel for me the way i want him to. Sometimes, he's just so sweet and caring that the thread weaves itself into a tapestry. Other times, he's just so selfish and unreliable the thread frays and is on the verge of breaking.

The ironic part is that everyone thinks we're together. And he tells ppl we're together. Which makes everything even more confusing. How can he tell ppl we're together and yet not want to 'be' with me? I don't need a label or commitment from him. All i want is the feeling and the knowledge that i'm loved and that he's thinking of me like i think of him. I just want to love him and for him to love me back. I just want to know that i'm important in his life. I asked him the other day if it would matter to him if we stopped seeing each other. His answer was like a stab in my heart. He said either way would be fine for him. He could live with either. At that point, i just wanted to knee him in the groin and ask him to fuck off. Didn't do the former, but i did tell him that i choose not to see him anymore then. BUt the bastard said no. He still wanted to see him even if i didn't want to. And yet he says it doesn't matter to him if he doesn't see me. What the fuck?!?!? If he ain't trying to confuse, then i don't what he's up to.

I just feel so tired of thinking bout this. So tired of thinking of him. Tired and depressed. I so badly want him here with me now to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want him to kiss me and stroke my back, my hair and watch me sleep. I'm so tired of struggling with myself. So tired of pretending that everything's okay, i'm cool with everything and nothing's gonna hurt me. So tired of being that pillar of knowledge and strength at work. When actually i'm just crying and falling apart inside. So so very tired.

I'm just gonna curl up in bed now. Try to read and listen to Separated. And shed a few tears for myself.

Usher
"Separated"

Oh no, no, no, no

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Electoral fever

Elections are coming. Politicians are campaigning. All over you see posters and flags of the different parties hanging on street lamps, bus stops, etc. Everywhere you go, you hear people talking about who they're going to vote for, who's standing for which district, the party which they think will win, how many seats BN is going to get this year etc. And unfortunately for me, I won't be able to do anything. All because i neglected to register myself as a voter. All this while i've thought that it doesn't matter whether i vote or not coz somehow or other BN always wins. But now i've come to realize that the result doesn't matter. It's the fact that i should be practicing my right as a citizen of this country to vote. I should practice my right to democracy. And even though i know that things won't change even if i do vote, at least i know i tried to make a difference instead of just whining and complaining.

I'm just waiting for a change to take place. A change that will take away all classifications of race and where a Bangsa Malaysia will actually happen. Where everyone will just be called malaysian. And a change that will allow more non-bumis into universities. Or better yet, make all university entries based on merit which really should be the case. And that corporate ownership need not have a bumi owning a certain percentage. Doesn't the government ever wonder whether these so called special rights piss other ppl off? That it's looked upon as unfair? That giving things to ppl based on their race is just bullshit? Or has Malaysia settled into a such a state of complacency that they just accept whatever the govt feeds them? As long as there's water, sewage system, adequate jobs, enough food and money... every other unfair treatment is jujustified? I've heard ppl who've said that we're so much better off than other 3rd world countries coz we've got no war and extreme poverty and because of those things, our government is doing a good job. But what about the other things? The fact that we're being discriminated against based on race? The fact that we have to pay a huge sum for tertiary education just because we're of another colour? The fact that we can't get a job as a civil servant just coz we're of another race? I mean if bumis can't get in universities based on merit, doesn't that tell us something? That they're maybe just not good enough? If the state of governtment offices, where majority of the workers are not non-bumis, is slow and inefficient tell us something as well? It's because these ppl know they're given chances and easy access to things where they become lazy and feel they don't have to work for anything. Whereas the others would have to strive just to earn a spot.

Some ppl argue that these rights have been there since independence so we shouldn't change them. That it was promised to them. But that was then and this is now. That was a time when perhaps they needed to be protected coz there were immigrants coming and so on. But it's the present now we're talking about. Everyone should be equal. Especially since we're supposed to be only one race. But how can we be classified as one when certain sections of the 'one' will be given extra privelages? How can we be referred to as only one race when everyone does not get equal treatment?

This is getting depressing. Everyday, i hope for a change. And everyday, nothign changes. I want to love my country - no questions asked. I look around and i see the development and progress and feel proud of my country. But how can i love my country wholeheartedly when my country doesn't?

Shitola

Why do I feel so insulted when I found out that after my relationship with ed ended, he automatically went back to pining for that girl again? I mean, it's not like he broke up with me. After all, i was the who called off the relationship. Jeebers... I'd like to think i made an impact in his life! Or at least maybe a little dent! Now after reading his blog, it just seems as if i was a pit stop. A transit. Sigh... i guess it really doesn't matter anymore but still!

Read evonne's blog too. I really feel sorry for her. She really likes that dang ed who's pining away for some girl who doens't give two hoots about him. Who's just playing him like a fisherman would play a fish hooked on his line. I mean, i get really irritated with at times... especially those times when i wasn't with him yet and he told me bout how this girl had been treating him and stuff. I mean c'mon! It's so obvious that she's playing you!

Other times i really wonder how it feels like to really like one person for so long. To think the world of that person. To be willign to do anything for that person. To only want to be with that one person. Is this what is called love?

I've never had that kind of feeling before. That feeling of only wanting to be with that person. I mean yeah, when i'm lonely i guess i'll feel that way. Heck, anyone would feel that way. But i've never felt that kind of longing. That kind of wanting. With my past relationships, it was just a matter of filling time and doing stuff together and of course satisfying those hormones. No wait, i'm being too hard on myself. I should say that i HAVE felt those things but perhaps not so much in depth. And not so often as well. I was just thinking and i don't think i ever wanna have that feeling. That wanting and longing. Makes you so dependent on that person. As if i would die for that person. And i don't like being dependent. On anybody.

I like the fact that i can live my life alone. Albeit it'd get lonely at times, but i think i'm pretty much a loner. Gimme a a good book and iced tea anyday. And i LIKE shopping alone. I like spending time by myself and just browsing without a worry in the world (except maybe not having enough cash).

I suppose what i have now with vj is kind of perfect. I can live my life and he lives his. Don't have to be like siamese twins and do everything together. I'm cool with the fact that we can both live seperate lives and yet be together. I'm cool with that we've got different sets of friends. I guess i'm just cool with my whole situation with him right now. Although sometime, i do feel like wanting more but i know that's not what i want right now.

ALthough he's not perfect and i know he can be quite unreliable at times, i like being with him. I enjoy his company. I like talking to him. I like the way he listens to me when i complain about work. I like the way he looks at me. I like the way he strokes my hair, my cheek. I like the way he holds my hand to his face when he's sleeping. The way he hugs me to him just before he nods off to slumberland. I like the way he smiles at me and calls me Japanese. I like the way he kisses me. The bear hugs that he gives me just before he leaves. The gentle kiss on the forehead before he leaves. The way he laughs at the nonsensical things i say. The way he's so fascinated by my facial expressions. The way he apologizes when i get mad at him. The way he tries to irritate me and gets irritated instead when his plan didn't work. The way he tells me i'm cute and sweet. The way he tells me he likes my ass :) And oh gosh... the way he touches me in private :) Let's just say the bedroom games are good.

Oh man... something tells me that i'm falling real hard for this guy. Someone get me rope to hold on too!