Empty and meaningless

Ever felt that your life was just so meaningless? That you're just living from day to day, hour to hour doing mundane stuff that don't carry any meaning at all to your life? Sigh, this past week has just felt like that. Just felt like everything in my life is meaningless. I'm not donig anything to change the world. Even my attempt at being a polling agent to ensure a fair elections was met in vain. I wonder what's the reason we exist? Are we supposed to make a difference? Or is it all just about shaping and moulding your own life? Is it about finding what you're best at and doing that thing? Or about finding your soul mate and sharing your life with that person? Will life get better once you find your soul mate? And what's this soul mate thing? Is there really a person out there who's yours? Is there really a someone for everyone? Considering the ratio of men to women.. highly impossible.

Was just doing some thinking last night. Sitting on my bed in my dark and hot room (due to the fact a fuse blew in my house) and just pondering upon the meaning of my life. My job sucks, and yet i'm in a position too comfortable to move. My love life sucks, and yet i'm still hanging on to the thought that maybe it'd change. My financial status is measly, and since it's connected to my sucky job, it doens't look like it's gonna change till i change jobs. And i realised, i'm really good at whining and complaining. At least to cyberspace. So, instead of whining about my sucky life, i'm now gonna take a stand and change. Time to move on.
So here's a list of things i'm gonna do:

1. If no advancement come April, hand in resignation letter and look for better prospects.
2. Stop hoping for a change with vijay and just be friends.
3. Look for part time jobs during weekends.
4. Join NGOs or charities and help out during weekends (if part time job doesn't work out).

Now all i have to do, is make sure i keep to the game plan.

Thought i'd post about my day at F1 but a picture speaks a thousand words. So, here's a link to the photos i took.

http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b37224646510

Disillusioned

The next blog was supposed to be bout my experience at F1 and how it was like being in the VVIP rrom with excellent service and food. However, that experiece pales in comparison to what happened during election day. And so i will write bout elections first.

Was contacted by Bill to help out and become a polling agent for Keadilan. It was defintely a good move that i agreed to help. I now realised how fucked the whole electoral process is. And how cunnign and sly certain parties can be. And to what extent ppl will go to just to win. I was just amazed and shocked to hear all the stories told by an ex-BN man. And to actually see how biased the EC ppl are during elections was just shocking. Plus the fact that our votes ain't anonymous just added to the whole pile. To think that all my life, i've believed that this voting process was fair and our votes were anonymous and that our government actually just wins fair and square.

How would your reaction be if you found out that there are 96 ppl registered under the same address just so that they can vote for that constituency? So that a winning number of votes is assured if they can pull ppl out from a sure win consituency to another. What about the fact that the polling clerks write your serial number on the counterfoil of your ballot slip so that your vote aint' a secret anymore and that they can trace back your vote anytime? What about during kira undi time, a blackout might suddenly occur and extra ballots are placed into the box when it's dark and everyone else is still blur? What about changing the number of votes on the Borang after the counting's done to ensure that you either won or won by a higher margin? And this last one really takes the cake. In rural areas, helicopters are used to bring the ballot boxes. So after the voting, Helicopter A leaves the village but Helicopter B (which looks exactly the same as A) lands at the couting station with different ballot boxes. Boxes that have enough fake ballots inside to ensure a win. Can you imagine all these things happening? And all these stories were told by a man who was once involved in all that.

At first i was still in disbelief and still thinking that things can't be THAT bad. But i was wrong. Things ARE that bad. And being a polling agent really opened my eyes. Even though i was under the keadilan flag, i never supported them. I just thought it'd be interesting to see how things go and to just ensure that no hanky panky happens. But i couldn't do anything. The hanky panky still went on and i was helpless. The writing of voters' serial numbers still went on. The phantom voters still got to vote for the ppl who paid them to vote. Voicing out your 'bantahan's just didn't work coz they fell on deaf ears. The EC ppl just didn't care. Just said they were following orders. This is what they have been instructed to do and we can't do anything bout it. That this has been going on for 20 over years so it's alrite. They know what they're doing. Aren't these EC ppl supposed to be impartial and shit? But it was so obvious how biased they are. And you could actually see how happy they were when BN won. Their faces just said everything.

Felt like shit when we lost. Just depressed and really disillusioned. Had a mini debate with my boss. Said that there's nothing anybody can do bout this. So if you cant' fight em, join em. Fuck it. Never. He also said that Malaysians have become so comfortable with the life that has been offered that they dont' wanna change anything even though they know that corruption and nepotism is going on. That they won't do anything if they might get into trouble. And i was thinking, have we really gotten to be so complacent? And sad enough, the answer seems to be yes. Most ppl are just afraid to voice out. They'd just take whatever's fed to them. And even though they know that writing their serial code is wrong, they won't say anything coz they're afraid. Fear. That's the biggest factor. They're afraid of going against the party that will win and being found out that they voted for the opposition. Afraid of what will happen to them. That's exactly what our government has instilled into us. Go against them and something bad will happen to you.

Oh well. All is said and done. Elections are over. BN got a landslide victory. They won back Terengganu. Every reason for the government to celebrate now. Just gotta keep on believing that a change WILL come one day. That wll this shit will disappear for good one day. And i really believe that one day, we will live in fair country.

Depressed

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Usher's Seperated and feeling extremely depressed. I just feel so lonely right now. Work is depressing. Love life ain't happening they way i want it to be. I"ve come to the conclusion that all i want right now at this very moment is someone to love whom will love me back. And in my current situation, i'm just heading down a one way street. Why? Why am i in something which i know will never work out? Why bother? I thought i could live with something like this but i realise that i can't. And yet i can't let go. And i hate myself for being weak. For not being strong enough to say Fuck it. I need something more. I want something more. So go screw yourself. I thought we had something more going on but there wasn't. At least not for him. That's when i realised that it's still all fun and games for him. I'm the only one wanting to take this a step further. Hence, the one way street. I'm such an emotionally dependent person and i hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being strong enough to change as well. I hate myself for not being able to let go. For wanting to stay on. For wanting to see him. Touch him. Kiss him. Care for him. I hate myself so much right now. And i hate him for making me feel this way. Why did he have to come into my life and mess it up? Why did he have to say all those sweet things to me and to make me fall for him? I know that this started out as just a 'enjoying each other's company' kinda thing and it's shitty that it's not the same anymore. I know i entered into this willingly and so i shouldn't gripe and complain and whine but i seriously didn't know that i would actually fall for him.

I hate all this shit. I nearly did it the other day. I very nearly ended it. I so wanted to tell him to just fuck off and get out of my life. But i just couldn't. My brain was telling me better to end it now and hurt now rather than prolong it, fall for him even more and then hurt even more later. But my heart was telling me to hold on. There's always a chance. He already cares for you now. There's a chance that it might turn to love. ANd so i listened to my heart. And now i'm still in this. Holding on. Holding on to that single thread of hope that he would feel for me the way i want him to. Sometimes, he's just so sweet and caring that the thread weaves itself into a tapestry. Other times, he's just so selfish and unreliable the thread frays and is on the verge of breaking.

The ironic part is that everyone thinks we're together. And he tells ppl we're together. Which makes everything even more confusing. How can he tell ppl we're together and yet not want to 'be' with me? I don't need a label or commitment from him. All i want is the feeling and the knowledge that i'm loved and that he's thinking of me like i think of him. I just want to love him and for him to love me back. I just want to know that i'm important in his life. I asked him the other day if it would matter to him if we stopped seeing each other. His answer was like a stab in my heart. He said either way would be fine for him. He could live with either. At that point, i just wanted to knee him in the groin and ask him to fuck off. Didn't do the former, but i did tell him that i choose not to see him anymore then. BUt the bastard said no. He still wanted to see him even if i didn't want to. And yet he says it doesn't matter to him if he doesn't see me. What the fuck?!?!? If he ain't trying to confuse, then i don't what he's up to.

I just feel so tired of thinking bout this. So tired of thinking of him. Tired and depressed. I so badly want him here with me now to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want him to kiss me and stroke my back, my hair and watch me sleep. I'm so tired of struggling with myself. So tired of pretending that everything's okay, i'm cool with everything and nothing's gonna hurt me. So tired of being that pillar of knowledge and strength at work. When actually i'm just crying and falling apart inside. So so very tired.

I'm just gonna curl up in bed now. Try to read and listen to Separated. And shed a few tears for myself.

Usher
"Separated"

Oh no, no, no, no

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Electoral fever

Elections are coming. Politicians are campaigning. All over you see posters and flags of the different parties hanging on street lamps, bus stops, etc. Everywhere you go, you hear people talking about who they're going to vote for, who's standing for which district, the party which they think will win, how many seats BN is going to get this year etc. And unfortunately for me, I won't be able to do anything. All because i neglected to register myself as a voter. All this while i've thought that it doesn't matter whether i vote or not coz somehow or other BN always wins. But now i've come to realize that the result doesn't matter. It's the fact that i should be practicing my right as a citizen of this country to vote. I should practice my right to democracy. And even though i know that things won't change even if i do vote, at least i know i tried to make a difference instead of just whining and complaining.

I'm just waiting for a change to take place. A change that will take away all classifications of race and where a Bangsa Malaysia will actually happen. Where everyone will just be called malaysian. And a change that will allow more non-bumis into universities. Or better yet, make all university entries based on merit which really should be the case. And that corporate ownership need not have a bumi owning a certain percentage. Doesn't the government ever wonder whether these so called special rights piss other ppl off? That it's looked upon as unfair? That giving things to ppl based on their race is just bullshit? Or has Malaysia settled into a such a state of complacency that they just accept whatever the govt feeds them? As long as there's water, sewage system, adequate jobs, enough food and money... every other unfair treatment is jujustified? I've heard ppl who've said that we're so much better off than other 3rd world countries coz we've got no war and extreme poverty and because of those things, our government is doing a good job. But what about the other things? The fact that we're being discriminated against based on race? The fact that we have to pay a huge sum for tertiary education just because we're of another colour? The fact that we can't get a job as a civil servant just coz we're of another race? I mean if bumis can't get in universities based on merit, doesn't that tell us something? That they're maybe just not good enough? If the state of governtment offices, where majority of the workers are not non-bumis, is slow and inefficient tell us something as well? It's because these ppl know they're given chances and easy access to things where they become lazy and feel they don't have to work for anything. Whereas the others would have to strive just to earn a spot.

Some ppl argue that these rights have been there since independence so we shouldn't change them. That it was promised to them. But that was then and this is now. That was a time when perhaps they needed to be protected coz there were immigrants coming and so on. But it's the present now we're talking about. Everyone should be equal. Especially since we're supposed to be only one race. But how can we be classified as one when certain sections of the 'one' will be given extra privelages? How can we be referred to as only one race when everyone does not get equal treatment?

This is getting depressing. Everyday, i hope for a change. And everyday, nothign changes. I want to love my country - no questions asked. I look around and i see the development and progress and feel proud of my country. But how can i love my country wholeheartedly when my country doesn't?

Shitola

Why do I feel so insulted when I found out that after my relationship with ed ended, he automatically went back to pining for that girl again? I mean, it's not like he broke up with me. After all, i was the who called off the relationship. Jeebers... I'd like to think i made an impact in his life! Or at least maybe a little dent! Now after reading his blog, it just seems as if i was a pit stop. A transit. Sigh... i guess it really doesn't matter anymore but still!

Read evonne's blog too. I really feel sorry for her. She really likes that dang ed who's pining away for some girl who doens't give two hoots about him. Who's just playing him like a fisherman would play a fish hooked on his line. I mean, i get really irritated with at times... especially those times when i wasn't with him yet and he told me bout how this girl had been treating him and stuff. I mean c'mon! It's so obvious that she's playing you!

Other times i really wonder how it feels like to really like one person for so long. To think the world of that person. To be willign to do anything for that person. To only want to be with that one person. Is this what is called love?

I've never had that kind of feeling before. That feeling of only wanting to be with that person. I mean yeah, when i'm lonely i guess i'll feel that way. Heck, anyone would feel that way. But i've never felt that kind of longing. That kind of wanting. With my past relationships, it was just a matter of filling time and doing stuff together and of course satisfying those hormones. No wait, i'm being too hard on myself. I should say that i HAVE felt those things but perhaps not so much in depth. And not so often as well. I was just thinking and i don't think i ever wanna have that feeling. That wanting and longing. Makes you so dependent on that person. As if i would die for that person. And i don't like being dependent. On anybody.

I like the fact that i can live my life alone. Albeit it'd get lonely at times, but i think i'm pretty much a loner. Gimme a a good book and iced tea anyday. And i LIKE shopping alone. I like spending time by myself and just browsing without a worry in the world (except maybe not having enough cash).

I suppose what i have now with vj is kind of perfect. I can live my life and he lives his. Don't have to be like siamese twins and do everything together. I'm cool with the fact that we can both live seperate lives and yet be together. I'm cool with that we've got different sets of friends. I guess i'm just cool with my whole situation with him right now. Although sometime, i do feel like wanting more but i know that's not what i want right now.

ALthough he's not perfect and i know he can be quite unreliable at times, i like being with him. I enjoy his company. I like talking to him. I like the way he listens to me when i complain about work. I like the way he looks at me. I like the way he strokes my hair, my cheek. I like the way he holds my hand to his face when he's sleeping. The way he hugs me to him just before he nods off to slumberland. I like the way he smiles at me and calls me Japanese. I like the way he kisses me. The bear hugs that he gives me just before he leaves. The gentle kiss on the forehead before he leaves. The way he laughs at the nonsensical things i say. The way he's so fascinated by my facial expressions. The way he apologizes when i get mad at him. The way he tries to irritate me and gets irritated instead when his plan didn't work. The way he tells me i'm cute and sweet. The way he tells me he likes my ass :) And oh gosh... the way he touches me in private :) Let's just say the bedroom games are good.

Oh man... something tells me that i'm falling real hard for this guy. Someone get me rope to hold on too!

Moving on

Oh man. The day for Preeta to leave the company has come. I really didn't feel it when we left work on friday coz i knew i'd still be seeing her over the weekend but as i gave her a hug before leaving her house just now, it just suddenly hit me that we woulnd't be able to see each other that often anymore. No more lunches before work. No more after work suppers. No more looking for bapuk sessions on fridays after work. It just feels that i'm losing a friend. I know that we'd meet up during some weekends and stuff but it just wouldn't be the same anymore. All of us have been together since our university days and even after leaving after uni, we knew we'd be working together since we applied to the same company, so somehow it just didn't feel like one of us was moving away. But i guess we can't always be together. All a part of life to move on to something better. So now our car pool number has decreased from four to three. Sigh. Things definitely won't be the same without Preeta. All the best to you P!

Working Life

This is the first time where i really felt that working life is a real drastic change from what we're used to if we're still in university. I mean, all this while i knoew it was different bla bla but today really takes the cake. Adn this is the first time i'm actually mentally tired after a day at work. I mean, c'mon, who can get tired doing my job? But today... whew!

I really hate it when my integrity is questioned and lately that seems to be happening a lot. And it gets worse when those ppl don't come directly to me about it. I mean, i'll admit if i'm wrong but if i know i'm correct obviously i'll fight to the very end to defend myself! And at least i know i'm big enough to to say i'm sorry if i'm wrong unlike some ppl. Shit. Damn. I knwo i'm not making much sense but what the heck. OH well, at least we got a chance to hash it out today and bring it to the attention of upper management. And i don't know if i should be glad or not that my team chose me to represent them in voiceing out what we think. Sigh... today's the first time i really felt over laden with work too. Shit i actually stayed back to finish my work! And i hate it that i'm being paid peanuts for it. Shit.

Emotional attachments

Was talking to Tubs the other day and he asked me this question "Why do girls always attach emotions to everything?" In this context, he was referring to why girls can never have a purely physical relationship. At first i was of course trying to defend females but then when i really thought about it, i realised i personally have not been able to carry on a physical relationship with no strings attached. Somehow or other, those dang emotions barges in and sometimes takes over. Speaking about myself of coz. I mean, I really don't know about other girls, but I just can't see myself with more than one man at a time. Even in my current situation, it started off as a no emotions-purely physical thing but now... it's not like that.

And i was thinking to myself, how bad is it that emotions are now involved? Found that the answer was 'Not too bad'. I mean, I like 'likeing' a person. I like the feeling of thinking of someone and wondering what that person is doing or whether he's thinking of me. And it feels really good when you know that person is thinking bout you too and missing you. I like the feeling of calling up that person and just chatting. I like the burst of happiness I feel when I finally meet that person. I like hugging him and touching him and doing the dirty with him. I like being cuddled and told i'm sweet. I like being kissed and being told that i'm a good kisser :) I like going shopping and looking out for nice things I can get for him. I like leaving little notes on his office table and that's the first thing he'll see when he gets to the office. I like the feeling of him watching me in the office. I like laughing with him. I like telling him little anecdotes of my life and making him laugh. I like it when he makes me laugh. The list goes on and on. I like all these little things that emotional attachement brings. And even though I know that it makes me that much more vulnerable to getting hurt in the end, I really don't mind. Coz getting hurt is all a part of life. And if getting hurt means i'll have that i said, then what the heck... bring on the 'hurts'! I'd rather have all the happy things and get hurt in the end than not have anything at all.

I

Valentine's Day anyone?

Well, the V day is finally over, couples breathe a sigh of relief and can go back to the way things were before. No need to dress up, no need to be romantic... just revert back to boring ole couple lives. Yeah right... :) As someone once said, it doens't have to be only V day when you show how romantic you can be. Put some effort into your relationship you slackers!!!

Just got back anyway from MY Valentine's outing. Actually just a normal run of the mill outing with ma friends. Had dinner at Gems and caught a movie with the Voices dudes. I miss those ppl. Despite the fact that they can be pretty embarassing
(re: laughing really loudly at the movies), these dudes have taught me that outside perception doesn't matter. What other ppl think of you doens't matter. Anyway, we wanted to watch Cold Mountain but there were no tickets left so we had to settle for Stuck On You. Pretty good show for those feel good movies. And the ride from Brickfields to Midvalley was pretty jolting since i was in Prab's junkyard car. :)

Midvalley was packed to the max though even at such a late hour. All the couples, catching a late night show. I was watching the couples walking around, all dolled up for each other, holding hands, being all lovey dovey. But i was thinking to myself, 'it's Valentine's Day, would i actually be here for a movie if i was with someone?' Can you imagine doing something so mundane and boring on Valentine's day? I mean if catching a movie is something a couple does every weekend, then why do it on Valentine's day as well? I know that i've been saying that we don't need this one special day to show that we care bla bla... but still! I'd be real disappointed and pissed off if my guy suggests we go for a movie. I mean, we don't have to anything special or expensive or preplanned but certainly NOT a movie! I'd rather stay home for a shag! Fun and satisfaction guaranteed! :) I'm not fussy. Just take me for a drive or stay home and talk to me or better yet stay home and don't talk :)

Tubs gave me an idea when i was chatting with him in the blind massage parlour. Oh yeah, some of the dudes went for a blind massage and obviously i didn't want one so i had to wait for them with Tubs. He asked me if i would shag in the office. And me being me, said i wouldn't. But actually, i think i would :) The old building would have been perfect since there's no one on the third floor at nights. Damn. Too late now.

But why do i have this feeling that when i go to the office on monday, the first thing i'm gonna do when i get the chance is to scout for a shag area? :)

Choices of life

I seem to be reading a lot on what ppl think about choice these days. Choice is all part of life. Whatever decision you make takes you on a different path. And i've been thinking a lot on the decisions i've made and paths i've chosen. And sometimes i wonder if they're really the correct ones i've made. And i do think about the what ifs. 'What if i chose B instead of A?' The classic what if question. Butthen again, my life wouldn't be what it is today, if certain decisions were different. But then, it's always human nature to doubt oneself and to always think the grass is greener on the oterh side. But i supposed i'm happy with my life right now. And i'm thankful for that. I think i'm happiest when i don't have to make a decision. When i can just linger as long as i want in a certain place and not worry about the future. And that's where i am right now. The next fork in my life would be in april when my work bonus comes out and the deciison to stay or leave would have to be made. But for now, i'll hang on to whatever satisfaction that i have and be happy.

And then comes the next part regarding my love life. Today is valentine's day and i'm at home. I guess that doesn't mean anything but this is my very first valentine that i'm really alone. Or at least technically alone. At times, i wonder if it would have been better i i had just sustained my relationship and not want to try something new. Other times, i'm really happy that i decided to call it off. Sigh. But if i suppose if i take a good look at myself, i have to admit that i like whereh i am now in regards to relationships. I guess i've been pretty lucky in the sense that someone's always wanted me. Even now. I guess what i have now is pretty perfect. I mean, i have someone when i need him. And when i just want to be alone, i can be. That's the beauty of having a 'non-relationship'. Looking back at my past relationship (not like there's been a lot) i realised that i've learnt a lot. I've learnt to be more independent. I've learnt that individuals need their own space no matter how much they love you. I've learnt that even I need my own space no matter how much I love that person. I've learnt how important personal space is to indivuduals. And most importantly, i've learnt how important friends actually are in my life.

Sigh...

My last day

I can't believe it!!! This is my last day in koh samui!!! I cant' believe the days has passed so fast!!! And guess how i spent my last day? Lazing by the beach... AGAIN! Not liek it's such a surpise! And i didn't even get to go into the water. Coz it's that time of the month. How boring. But anyway, it's my last day here... and i dont' know what to do to spend the time. Dont' feel like drinking... so there's nothing else left here to do! Don't wanna buy antying too. Nothign of interest to get.

Sigh... how am i going to adjust to work again? Boring! ANyway, Annie's waiting for me to go do something... so the next time i post something, it'd be from boring ole malaysia!

Koh Samui (pt3)

What a day i had! Took a 2 hour boat trip out to the sea, canoed (pretty well too i must say), snorkelled... what more could i have asked for? Except maybe i was expecting too much on the snorkelling bit. I actually thought i would be able to see stuff like the Finding Nemo kind. Hehehe.... needless to say i was disappointed. I mean, there were fish here and there but it wasn't really colourful and the water wasn't all that clear... and i couldn't really breathe throughthe fucking mouthpiece - water just kept entering my mouth - so... maybe the snorkelling bit wasn't that great after all :) But the canoing was way fun. First we had to canoe from the boat to this little beach so that we could hike up a few hundred meters to see this lake in the middle of the island. The hike up was pretty cool and the view of the lake was breath taking! Then after that, canoe back to the boat, have lunch then canoe around these rock islands. Way cool. Fucking cool. And i must say, i got the hang of canoing pretty fast. :) Now my arms feel pretty tired. And.... i'm feeling sunburnt for the first time in my entire life! Imagine that! And it hurts. Stings actually. And i've got a magnificent tan line. Hehehe.. now i know why all the ang mohs will sunbathe topless. Hmm... maybe i should do that too :)

Well, tomorrow's my last day here in this island. Can't imagine how i'm going to adjust to working again after days and days of just lazing aorund. But one good reason to go back is that i'll be abel to see my darling again. Never realized i could miss him so much. Walking around this place, experiencing this place makes me wanna be with him. Wanna enjoy this place with him. Just laze around and play in the water with him. Sigh... nothing like going on a holiday with a loved one. Memories of my last two days in SA comes to mind... :)

Oh yeah, did some research on tattoos and found that i won't be abel to get one here. Coz it takes about a week to heal and i'll be leavin gon monday menaing i won't be able to carry my back pack and shit like that. And it'd be a real hassle since i'll be travelling for the whole day. Don't wanna risk infections. So there goes my plan of returning home with a tattoo. :( Damn. WAs really looking forward to getting one too. Had my design all picked out and all.

Since tomorrows my last day, gonna make the most of it. Waking up early to hae breakfast. Then going to the beach again. :) I mean, that IS what the whole is about. The beach, sun, wind and surf. Just better slap on the sunblock!!!

Koh Samui (pt 2)

The ride to hadyai wasn't that bad. Probably coz we were all sleeping for most of the journey. The second leg from hadyai to suratthanni was a bit of a nightmare though. The mini bus (van) was so bumpy (prob coz Thai roads aint' thaat good) but i managed to get some shut eye anyway :) When we got to suratthani we had to wait for about an hour before we changed to a big bus (thank goodness) to head off to the pier where we were gonna board a ferry to the island. The bus was really confortable but it seemed to take a really long time to reach the dang pier! Took us about one and the half hours! But finally we reached the pier and boarded the ferry just in time as it started raining. The ferry was shaking about so much, i thought it might actually capsize! But we arrived on the island safely and boy, did i feel relieved! It had been one heck of a long day travelling but we finally reached the island! NExt was trying to find a place to stay. WEnt to several places but finally chose one that costs us RM20 each per night. Not too bad. Tried to bargain but unsuccessful. Damn. But anyway, we were so sticky and tired we just took it and had a shower.

It's been 2 days on the island now. And those 2 days have just been spent lazing on the beach doing absolutely nothing. Can u believe it? 2 whole days doing nothing? But at least we went to 2 different beaches. So we CAN say that we explored the island a little...hehehe I never thought I could spend so much time in one place doing nothing excpet reading and people watching. Amazing. And the best part is, when we get back, we'd be feeling damn tired. Hehehe... feeling tired after a whole day of lazing?

This place is just crawlin with babes. And i mean babes. Fucking chun babes everywhere you turn around. Talk about having an inferiority complex! Everyone at the beach will be wearing bikinis and here i am walking around in my stupid speedo one piece suit. Hehehe... And.. u can hardly find other Asian tourists around here. Imagine, we're in an Asian country wherewe feel like the minority. I mean, what the f***? But this place is beautiful and the atmosphere is just so relaxing. It's just great.

Will be going snorkelling tomorrow. ANd..thinking of getting a tattoo. HEeheheh... it'd be fucking cool man! Already found a design that i like that's not too sissy :) And it's not too expensive either. Will probably cost me around RM120 to get it done. I think it's worth it. Will have to ponder a bit even though i'm really tempted!!!

Sigh.. trying to imagine how it'd be like if i had a tattoo...

Koh Samui

Hey hey.. i'm finally here!!!! Finally reached the island after a whole day of travelling in 3 different vehicles!!!! Let me start at the beginning...

Firstly, we started off at 4.45 am coz we were supposed to be there by that time. But when mum drove us there... it was totally empty and there was nothing and no one around. So we rushed to another place where we thought could be the meeting point but it was deserted as well. So we left Annie at KOMTAR and drove to the ferry point, saw a van with Thai plates and started chasing after it but lost it coz of a traffic light. Anyway, then annie called us and said there was a van there but the driver didn't know how to speak english or malay. So rushed back there and lo and behold.. it was our van. But the van was already packed with ppl AND bags so my bag had to be squashed in with us in front and Annie's was just dumped somewhere with the other ppl in the back seat. And finally... we were off to had yai (the first leg of our journey)

To be continued....

changing plans

Why does something always have to happen when plans have already been made? Why must something always pop up? All this while when we talking about our plans to go thailand i somehow had this nagging feeling that something was going to come up and somehow spoil our plans. And i was right! That feeling was not uncalled for! Sigh... anyway, the number of ppl for our trip has now dwindled to a mere 3. It's now me, annie and mac. At least i think it is. Problem now is, i'd have to leave koh samui alone and travel the 12 hours back alone in a van. I just hope it's safe and not dodgy. Actually, i'm not really sure if the plans are still on! What a waste of my leave if they're not! Could have taken them some other time then. Sigh... and sigh again... i was really excited about this trip and this is what happens. Furthermore i went around hunting for transport deals today, getting all excited and suddenly a pin had to burst my balloon. Damn.

On another note, i'm writing this blog from back home. It's been four months since i last came back and it feels nice to be back in the house where i grew up. Didn't realize how much i had missed home till i got back. Nothing like the saying ' Home Sweet Home'. I realize now that coming back doesn't mean going out with your friends or even with your family. It just means settling your ass back on the bed where you've slept on for 17 years and just chilling out - watching tv, reading a book etc. I guess ppl who go back home often don't realize how lucky they are. I miss my house. Not necessarily the ppl in the house (of coz i miss my family too) but the house itself. The familiar nooks and crannies. The untidiness. The couch potato feeling of settling onto the sofa with the remote control in my hand and a bag of chips next to me. It's just great to be back in my house.

Home is where the heart is...

Shit... thought about our holiday plans again.. damn fucked up... oh well... like annie said, even if it's only me and her... two hot women at the beach with white men... what more can i ask for? :)

blissful holidays

Talked with my roomies about our holiday plans last night. And we finally came up with the decision to go to Thailand. At least i THINK that was the final decision. I wanna go to Koh Sa Mui but i wanna go to Redang too. Annie's more in favour of thailand coz she's got loads of time in her hands and can afford to spend the time travelling and just going where the wind blows her. If only i had that luxury too. As we were talking, i told them of my plan to just take a year off and travel. To have no permanent address, no permanent job. Just staying in inns, working as a waitress in some fast food joint to get some money, and then taking off again once i've seen all of the place i'm in. The more we talked, the more i wanted to make this plan work. To work now and save money and then saying goodbye to malaysia and hello to some other country. Actually talked about doing a trans-siberian route to europe. How cool would that be? Just travel from malaysia to thailand then go north to India, then china, then russia, then turkey and finally east europe then the west. Just imagine the places i'd get to see and the people i'd get to meet. The sights, the sounds, the tastes... sounds like a perfect holiday. Just roughing it out.

I don't know when i started getting this urges to travel. I think it's because i've joined voices and travelled to so many countries with them. The 'want' to see new places has been planted there since phillipines i think. I try and think back to the past adn i can't remember ever having these plans to travel all over. I've never been the adventurous type to venture out alone and do stuff. But ever since voices, well, all i can say is that i'm a changed person. Now i just want to do and see everything! I mean, c'mon.. we only live once right? Right now, all i need is the dough.

Ed and i have plans to save money from now to travel to europe together. I hope that works out too :) The plan is to save money till he graduates, which would be in 2005, and then fly off to France, the first destination. His french speaking skills should be of help there :) And if we're still together, i'm going to make sure we go!

To be able to travel and just experience... bliss... to just live life one day at a time... heaven...

Family ties

Went to meet my parents at the airport. Realized that even though i haven't seen them for quite some time now, i didnt' have much to say to them. And now i'm wondering why. I'm wonderng why am i not close to my parents? Why do i not talk to my parents like some of my other friends do? Why is my mum not my best friend? And even though i DO miss them, when i actually met them, i felt nothing. No joy, no sadness... just nothing. I don't want to be the type of person to take my family for granted and then later regret it when my parents pass on. And i know that they will pass on someday and i dont' want to turn back and say "If only i had taken the effort to know them better and gotten closer to them". I watch all those shows where the daughter and mother are as close as two peas in a pod and i envy them. And it's just not in tv shows. Some of my friends are really close to their mothers that they even tell them their relationship problems. And me? I hardly talk to my mum. Even when i talk to her, it's just about everyday things. I know that i love my parents but why can't i talk to them? And sometimes i think issit all my fault? Why can't they talk to me either? Do i always have to make that effort? I know it's wrong to expect them to make the effort all the time but i can't do it all the time can i? Or maybe i can. And i should. I dont' know.

Sometimes, it's not that i dont' wanna talk to mum. Just that when i start a topic, she'll irritate the hair outta me. For example, when i tell her bout the relationship i'm in right now, she'll just tell me not to rush things, that i dont' have to look for a boyfriend at such a young age etc I know she means well, but it's not that she wants me to take it easy. It's the fact that i'm not with Kiley anymore and she just can't accept that even though it's been like 7 god damned months! And she tells me to tell him not to rush to look for a girlfriend either. I mean, what am i suppose to say to that? And when i tell her that i'm happy now and he's still my friend, she just chooses to ignore that. How can i not get irritated and just stop talking and clam up? Like i said, it's not that i dont' wanna talk to her. But she just makes it so difficult for me sometimes. Another scenario: I tell her about my job. Does she ask me how i feel bout the job? Does she ask me how i'm coping or adapting to the new lifestyle? NO! She just asks " So not planning to study anymore?" Just because she wants me to do my masters and i'm not doesn't mean that she should totally disregard my life now. Just because i'm not doing what she wanted me to do. No questions about how i'm doing. None whatsoever. What am i supposed to talk to her about then? What am i suppose to do then?

I get really irritated when all that happens. So i snap at her or i just nod and keep quiet. And then i'd feel awful about the way i treated her or that i didn't make a good enough effort to talk to her. And so the next time, i try calling her and the whole cycle starts again. I just dont' knwo what to do. Like i said before, i love my mum but i just don't know what to do. I want to be able to communicate with her but it just doens't seem to be working. Can somebody please tell me why mums are like this? Or issit just mine? I really don't know. Feel like i'm at my wit's end.

Maybe it's the fact that i never really told her my problems when i was young. Never really opened up to her. Always kept everything bottled up inside. Maybe it's because i'm the type of person to not really talk about myself unless i'm really really comfortable with a person. But shouldn't i feel comfortable with my parents? I mean, they're my family and who else am i supposed to turn to when all else fails? Maybe it's a problem with me.

Fuck... this really sucks.. big time. I just want to be close to my family.

Oh hail the great weekend

I just love weekends. I love the feeling waking up and then having nothing to do. The fact that i don't have to rush for anyone, do anything for anyone. I can just wake up whenever i want to and then just take the day as it comes. No plans. Just spontanous actions. Just like how i woke up this morning and decided to go shopping. And i don't even have to plan with anyone. I'm going alone. That way, i can see the stuff i want to, don't have to rush coz that person might be bored, and i can just wander around as i please. I mean it's nice being with people but sometimes, you just wanna be alone. And this is just one of those days. And what better time to be alone when my dear's gone off to JB? :)

Fuck it's gonna rain soon. Getting my ass off this chair and going shopping.

Nostalgia

Just read my last post... and i've attributed it to PMS :)

Anyway, have started the second phase of my moving out of the hostel room. Moved my fan and a few other things this morning. Felt really really sad when i drove out of campus. Nostalgia setting in i guess. Even the night before when annie and farrah and i were talking about our trip, the feeling was just so bittersweet coz i knew it would be the last time hanging out with them. The last time that we would be all together. I mean, i'm sure we'd still be friends in the future but we'll all be going our seperate ways. Like, they'll be off to cambodia and i'll be here. Sigh... all a part of growing up i guess. I'm really going to miss these guys. The people i knew since voices. They've been a great bunch. Went for satay kajang with some of the dudes just now and we started telling farah and syakri bout our trips overseas and what we did. Reminiscing. Adn laughing over our stupidity. All those memories are just printed in my head. I can even remember exact scenes, just like photos except that these 'photos' will be with me forever. Or at least till i die or get alzheimers. :) But anyway, the point is that i'm leaving. Saying goodbye.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can i sail through the changing ocean tide?
Can i handle the seasons of my life?

Well, i've been afraid of changing
Coz i've built my life around you
And i'm getting older too

Nothing like listening to landslide by dixie chicks right now.

And thinking bout all the good times i had with all of them. The first trip to phillipines. Then thailand, australia and finally, cape town. All those times i made a fool out of myself and they were there to rescue me, laugh at me, and then tell everyone else :) All i feel like doing right now is sigh...

And memories past fill my head...

Loneliness and despondency

Feeling really depressed right now. Sometimes, i just feel that i'm all alone in this world. That i have no friends and no one gives two fucks about me and what i'm doing. That i have no one i can count on. No one i can turn to. Alone. Fuck. I hate this feeling. And i dont' know why i'm feeling this way right now. Fuck everything.