I’m kinda feeling a bit tired of all this. Our ‘night n day’ working times is putting a huge strain on us. Is it wrong of me to spend as much as time as possible with him since I will be away for a whole month next week onwards?
He said he will stay at my place for the whole week after work. But now, since we spent the weekend together, he said he doesn’t have to anymore? Huh? Why must the 2 things relate to each other? I was assuming that they were mutually exclusive. But I’m not upset that he’s not staying with me considering his mobility problems. I’m just upset at why he can’t call or sms me to let me know that he isn’t coming. And I rushed myself yesterday to duplicate a set of keys for him, thinking that he was still coming over to my place.
I admit that I expressed myself poorly last night and made it seem as if I was upset at him not coming and not at him not calling. And then after our argument, I get an sms from him which was rather upsetting. The gist of it was this:
(a) he doesn’t spend as much time with his family as should because of me
(b) he should have just gone to PD over the weekend as planned instead of hanging out with me
(c) he has his work to worry about which is more important than staying with me
When I read the sms, I was just stumped.
(a) I don’t spend as much as time with my family as well ever since I’m with him. But I don’t go pointing my finger at him and say it’s his fault. I CHOOSE to stay back with him. And even though my choice is obviously because of him, it wouldn’t be fair for me to blame him for not going back home. Because it obviously isn’t his fault. It’s MY choice. So I found it really unfair for him to suddenly point his finger at me and say ‘it’s your fault I’m spending so little time at home’. WTF?!?
(b) Again, this boils down to choice. If under normal circumstances, by all means, go drinking with your buddies. But the difference this time is that I will be going away in a week’s time for a whole month. Obviously I would want him to spend the weekend with me. And I told him how I felt about it, but inevitably, the choice was his. Again like (a) it would have been influenced by me, but still, his choice. And if he had chosen to go, then it would have summarized where our relationship is. But he chose to stay with me and now suddenly, it’s my fault?
(c) Yes, worry about work. And because of his mobility problem, I admit that it was my fault for overreacting. And I understand why he was feeling down last night. But I overreacted because he didn’t tell me he wasn’t coming and I had to call him to find out. And it was already 5 am at that time. Of course I was cranky.
And so I didn’t reply his sms because I was upset and I knew that I would say something that would worsen the situation. But I couldn’t sleep after that and was tossing and turning for over an hour plus. From that sms, I derived that his family comes first, friends second, work third and then me. After all, his exact words were “you’re just my girlfriend, that’s all”. Obviously family comes first. But what about friends and work? Shouldn’t there be some sort of balance? I know we’ve tried to achieve some sort of balance so why suddenly turn around and put me at the bottom of the list? I’m the only person he can say “no” to. With everyone else, it’s “sure, I’m there”. Does that not scream taking me for granted?
I think it’s time for him to think about where he wants to be in terms of us. Hitting the 2-year mark with him was great and I obviously would want to still be with him, but if it means having to go through the same things again to hit another 2 years, then I don’t know if I want to do that. I don’t know if I’m up to it. Challenges I can take. But the same obstacles again and again?
So where do we go from here? I don’t know. Even though this mess right now is caused by my going away, I’m glad that I will be gone. I think it’s time for us, or at least me, to take a break from all this. I’m tired of arguing about the same things over and over again. I’m tired of having to justify my feelings when we argue. I’m tired of explaining myself over and over again and for him to not understand what being in a relationship means. I’m tired of having to sacrifice so many things for him and not having the same being done for me. I’m tired of being the one to always call or sms. I’m just tired.
I’m glad I’m going away. At least it will give us some time apart (even though we’ve been apart for weeks at a time since November). We’ll see how things go after this. Tired, tired, tired.
Looking forward to this:
London, here I come! It'd be a great break from the monotony of Bahrain and the chaos of KL.
2 comments:
Why of all places Bahrain?
Because I'm there for a project and the client is based in Bahrain :P
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