Eh?

That's exactly how i feel like right now. I'm not sure what the heck is going on around me. These past few days have been like a blur to me. CAN'T WAIT TO GO LANGKAWI ON SATURDAY!!!

How does it feel like to be hit on by your boss? Well, i know the feelign now! Terribly terribly embarassing since it was done in front of a whole bunch of ppl. Ish...

LANGKAWI... HERE I COME!!!

I was just reading through my past blogs and realised how totally unconnected they are. They're really more like one-page entries of how i felt when i wrote what i wrote. And that is just so like me. Impulsive and emotional. Happy one day, then down the next. Anyone who would have read my blog would probably this girl is some sort of a psycho! Got to learn to take control of my emotions. I'm 23 going on 24 and i still act like a spoiled child sometimes.

Christmas has come and gone. He got me a gift. :) He was so clumsy about the whole thing, it was just hilarious. And sweet. Naturally i also got him something. Which left a gaping hole in my pocket. And guess what? I lost my phone. So now i'm handphone-less. Never realised how much i depended on my phone on so many things. Feel so lost and disconnected right now. There goes another hole burnt in the pocket. Think i left the phone in my VP's house but then again, if it was there, someone would have found it by now. But i seriously can't imagine anyone taking the phone. Not as if it was some hi-tech state of the art phone. Oh well... just one of those things you never can tell.

End of the year is coming. And i'll be ushering in the New Year in the office. Whoopee-Doo.

I want progression. I want change. Let's hope the new year brings all that.

Happy new year.

Tired

I'm tired of all this.
I've cried so much over the past two days, it's enough to fill a dam.
I've got so much heartache over the past two days, it's amazing my heart is still beating.
I just can't do this.
I just can't.
What do i do now?

I think i need a break from all this.
I think i need a break from him.

Hmm... been a pretty long time since i last blogged. Few things have changed. Went home last weekend and was really glad to see improvement in my dad's condition. He's gone back to work. Which is a really good sign. And he's got more movement in his legs. Let's just pray and hope that things continue improving.
I've got a new car now. And the payments are killing me. Sigh... circumstances called for me to have it. Let's hope i get a real big break in my career pretty soon.

Been reading bout Worlds and i miss the tourneys so much. The thrill of being in a tournament. The energy level of the whole thing. How adrenaline just pumps thru everyone and everyone's hyper and happy. Sigh... and i miss all the planning and hard work we put in for australs even though it was grueling. Reading the worlds website and the venues make me wish i was a part of it. Oh well... writing about how much i miss it all aint' gonna change a god damn thing. Anyway, i've 2 more days of leave... so will probably crash some socials :)

Wanna meet up with the sistas this sat for the Star Wars thingy but unfortunately got a friend's b'day party which i can't miss. Ish.

Sigh...

Even though it's been months since he told me that we can't be friends anymore, it still hurts. Especially now. I emailed him about my dad coz i thought 'Well, he WAS pretty chummy with my dad when we were together'. And it hurts to not even get a reply from him. Am i really such a threat to his girlfriend that he can't even reply my email about my dad? And am i STILL a so called threat to their relationship? I guess i expected a reply from him considering how serious my dad's condition is. But nothing. Not even a single message. Jeebers! I mean, c'mon... grow up! Plus... i was just browsing through my Friendster and i realised that this girl who was my junior in school and who previously was in my list, is suddenly gone. And i remember that this girl and his girlfriend are good buddies. Ish. The more i think and rant about, the more irritated and cheesed off i get. And hurt too.

Things at home are okay i guess. Dad's coming home this saturday. At least i'll still be around. Can help out, you know. Sigh... a lot of adjustments will have to be made.

Tick Tock...

Why does time sometimes move so slowly and sometimes just zooms past you? Time time... doesn't everyone want more of that?

Well, I've been back home for nearly a week now. And my dad's been in the hospital for more than a week. At least i can breathe a sigh of relief and say that his health is okay. Except for the fact that he's paralysed from the waist down. Ie he can't use both his legs. But he IS slowly regaining his strength back. But the chances of him being able to stand and walk again are slim short of a miracle. And believe me, we're all praying for that miracle. And my sis and brother in law's presence is also very reassuring.

I just wanna say thanks to all my friends and colleagues who have been very supportive to have called or texted me. Thank you very much for all your prayers.

I'm back home. And things don't look good. Lord, please help us in this time of need.

Thank God...

Spoke to my dad this morning. Apparently he's alrite. I mean, he WILL be able to walk again. But just depends on how he recovers and how severe the tissue damage is. So even if it's severe, he'll still be able to walk but not with the same speed as before. But the important things is that he CAN walk. Thank God. Thank you so much.

Thinking whether to go home or not. Mum says no need coz i'll be going home next week anyway. But we'll see.

Praying...

Suddenly all my problems seem so trivial. Mum just informed me that Dad is in the hospital. He fell off the roof in our backyard at about 6 pm today and one of his legs is now 50% paralysed coz he landed on his butt and jerked a nerve or something like that. My first thought was 'What is a 54 year old man doing on the roof?' But then... it's my dad we're talking about. The man who would insist to fix everything in the house instead of calling the experts. And now, look what happened. The doctors said he will heal but it'd take bout 6 months plus physio and all that. Might either have to go through an op which will take faster to heal or wear something around the leg but will take longer. The good things is, he will be able to walk.

Will call him tomorrow so that i'll know more.

I know i haven't prayed in a really long while. But Lord, please help my Dad.

3.02 am on a Saturday morning

It's 3.02 am and i'm sitting here alone in my room. Sayang has gone back to Muar and am waiting for his call to let me know that he's reached home safely. When issit my turn to go back home? Another 2 weeks perhaps? Feeling a bit lonely and down now. So used to coming back to him every night so this weekend without him will be a bit long and stretched. At least i've got the badminton cup to look forward to. Imagine, me sitting on the high chair and umpire-ing a badminton game. Hehehe... Will be playing badminton again tomorrow. Beginning to enjoy the game. Should make it a weekly thing. Next step would be to convince everyone to join in. Gotta find kaki to play with.

This whole week has just been a whirr for me. It passed just like that. Been going to work early and leaving really late. Don't know if i'm really committed to my job or am i just crazy. It's not easy leading a team of 15 people. Gotta deal with each and everyone's attitudes and emotions. And it's not easy telling someone that she's gotta take a day of unpaid leave coz she's got no MC. And it's not easy telling the team that they have to come in early and that they're not paid for working overtime. Overall, it's not easy... but i'm definitely up for it. Yup yup yup.

It's now 3:11. What to do? Can't call anybody to yam cha with me at this ungodly hour. Too late to call the ppl at work. Should have done that earlier. Still too early to sleep. Who else is left? Oh God!!! This post is so bloody sad. Just one of those bouts where loneliness and depression hits you and won't go away till you're with the person you love. Gawd... desperately need a hug from him right now!!! Where's the substitute sayang? Looks like i'll just have to settle for my bolster and two bears. Funny things is, those two bears were from past sayangs. Hehehe... how ironic.

Sigh... what else is there to post? Wanna meet my sistas... been real long since i last saw them. And tubs. And bots. And the rest of the gang. Do give me a call if anything's up. Miss all of them loads.

Okay.. gonna watch Trainspotting now. Gawd... don't i sound sad?

What an eventful week. So many things happened which made me reflect upon myself. And guess what i found? I'm very much influenced by what people think. And that's gonna stop from now. I have to think and make decisions for myself and myself only. Of course, taking into consideration how my decisions may affect the ppl around me but the main thing is, i've gotta stop making decisions based on what ppl may or may not think. Secondly, i don't really think things through before making a decision. I sometimes rush into things. That's gonna stop too. Time to give myself the time to think over things thoroughly before makin a decision as well. Hate making life changing decisions. But then again, life's all about choosing. I've just got to be wiser in deciding things. No more mummy to hold onto my hand, leading me. I know it might be a bit late to finally realise it. I've always known that i've gotta do these things but i guess sometimes it just appears out of nowhere and smacks you in the head. And i've got a great big bruise in the middle of my forehead right now.

Played badminton yesterday. And now my limbs are aching terribly. This is what lack of exercise does to you.

Weekend here and gone

Well well... the weekend has come and gone again. Time just zooms by doesn't it.? Anyway, looks like yours truly is going to be a banker. I start work in a bank effective 1st November. And i will be tendering my resignation tomorrow. :) It's scary thinkgin about starting a new job and getting to know everyone again. But that had to happen sometime sooner or later. As if i would be working in HSBC for my entire life. Hmmm.... me... a banker... sound good?

Company annual dinner last night. As usual got high and happy since there was some sort of free flow of beer. Actually everyone is supposed to get one coupon which entitles you for one mug only. But since i've got contacts, hehehe.. i obviously got more than one. The person in charge of the coupons is close to vijay and so we got like damn lots of coupons. Think i drank like 5-6 mugs of beer. Super high. Talking to cock to everyone. Even ppl i never spoke to in office :) Also, imagine i was dancing in a saree! Gotta be high to do that right? Just hope that no one teases me in the office. Was doing some massive dancing with vijay. What the heck anyway... all in good fun rite?

Highlight of the night: Everyone said i looked damn chun :) So here's 2 photos for you guys to judge. Unfortunately the photos were taken after drinking 3 mugs and me being me... has turned all red.


Sayang and me...



Sayang and me... again :)

Change

Looks like it's time for a change. Although i'm feeling scared and all... i know it's for the better. At least in the long run. Definitely better. At least i'll be able to branch out from there. Plus i'll be learning useful stuff. Hope all goes well by next week. Just a question that's running in my mind. How long does grass stay in the system? Just read online that it stays only a few days. But what is a few days? Is a week enough for it to no longer be in the body? Bloody fuck. Shouldn't have smoked up last week.

Leaning towards getting a Vios. Although he doesn't really like the car but his mum prefers him to get the toyota compared to a waja. Hehehe... like the saying goes 'What's his is mine'.

Annual dinner coming up next week. Looks like i'll just 'recycle' the dress i wore during worlds in SA. After all, i only wore it once and it wasn't even in this country! Let's just hope i can still fit into it!

RHB bank?

Oh dear... a dilemma has popped up this morning. To go or not to go? I'll find out more. Gotta do some research now.

'Love means never having to say you're sorry'

Heard the above line from somewhere. Can't remember where. And i say bullshit. Just because you love that person doesn't mean you don't have to apologize for the wrong things that you do. Anyway, just bear with me. Just ranting.

Watched How to lose a guy in 10 days with him last night. And he had the cheek to say that i was like Andie Anderson. Bullshit! Anyway, was having fun watching him struggling through movie. His face was like 'What the fuck?' everytime she did something psycho. Farnee lar...

Ooh.. he might be buying a new car soon. Might be getting a Vios. Hehehe... his car means my car too, right?

Grass and thanni

Another 27th Aug has passed... and i'm a year older. Don't mind the age, but what bothers me is that i'm still not advancing. I'm still holding on to the same rock. Sigh... oh well...

My colleagues celebrated my b'day in the office. Got a cake and a home made card. Was supposed to go to Kuantan during that long weekend but it didn't happen coz i got into an arguement with sayang before my b'day and he wanted to make it up to me by spending the whole weekend with me and me only. Sweet of him.

Anyway, it's the end of another weekend and i've got bloody work tomorrow.

Celebrated Chanru's b'day last night. Had a massive dinner at this chinese restaurant. Food was extremely good. Then of coz being typical indian (no offense meant) the next agenda was drinking. There were only four girls (me included) and since the boring guys were watching boring football we decided to entertain ourselves by playing a drinking game. Shit. I've never seen a bottle of Absolut finish so quickly by four girls. I think we finished the whole bottle in an hour. So you can just imagine how high all of us were.

One word of advice. Never ever smoke up once you've had alcohol. The feeling is just crap. And i mean it. Crap with a capital C.

Gotta say thanks to all those who took care of me especially my sayang. Thanks for your devotion, attention and tender touch. Thanks for being such a good friend too. I'm sure Susan appreciates it. What you said last night before we slept made me feel very very loved. Well babe, the feeling's mutual.

Bad thing i did for the week: Fed a 3 month old dog vodka.

Sick sick...

Home sick today. Damn bored. Anyone wanna come teman me?

He's back!!! And the world suddenly seems so much brighter and better. :) I know, i know.. sounding real mushy and all but... (grins shyly).

Throughout the whole week, i was just thinking how to celebrate his return... being the hopeless romantic that i am (although i pretend to be macho), i was actually thinking it was going to be real romantic. As in, we'd both fly into each others' arms and hug and make sweet promises not to be apart again. But what REALLY happened was... I went out with Farr and P the whole day and he was with his uncle and cousin. We didn't even see each other until bout 12 am. And when we finally met, there were too many people around and i was feeling extremely shy. Too shy to even go hug him. Gotta give him credit though. He came to hug me first. :) Sweet of him coz i know he's like real shy when it comes to PDA. After that, we hung out with his friends. How romantic and private is that?!? But he was really sweet throughout the night. Paid attention to me; touched me whenever he could etc. Even when we finally came back home, all we wanted to do was cuddle and talk. :)

I really did miss him. Missed complaining to him; missed whining to him; missed bitching bout work to him; missed irritating him; missed him irritating me; missed him calling me 'mata sepek', babi, chipmunk, puppy; missed him telling me that i'm 'ugly'. And a whole lot of other things which i'm too lazy to document.

However, now that he's back, it's like he never left. Everything just fell back into place and is like how it was before. Our lives have centered around each other so much... being apart is weird. Scary. But nice at the same time. Scary because it makes me so much more open to hurt and shit. Nice because we're together.

On another note, was reading a friend's blog and she was blogging bout how her dude is falling back in the romance department. Like how during the start of their relationship, he would leave little notes for her etc. And now after half a year of being together, those small things that signify thought and care have just stopped. :) Typical isn't it? Not only for the guy but for the girl as well. All it takes is effort and of course thought. Just a simple message/note telling the person you care. Gotta remind myself to make that extra effort. But sometimes, you just feel that it's so useless coz you're never gonna get the same treatment back. But does that mean you shoulnd't do it then? I'm thinking back bout my past relationships and it's true that when you're so comfortable with each other, you just forget bout making things special. Going out is a norm. You take each other for granted. Sigh... Gotta admit, i'm guilty on those points.

Thanks a lot to ma sistas for the seafood dinner treat! I am extremely full now and feeling like a stuffed pig. Just gotta curl up now and hibernate like a python during winter.

Have an interview tomorrow morning. Or should i say in about 9 hours time. Hope all goes well!

'This too shall pass' - taken from Annie's blog.

Yes, i sincerely hope this shit i'm facing now will pass... and i hope it passes real quick.

We went a little crazy last night and things got a bit out of hand. Was just a normal night of clubbing and drinking but then some people just didn't know their limits. One pucked in the club. Another three of my friends got into an accident. Thank goodness it wasn't their fault. And everyone's okay. Imagine the shock i felt when i woke up at 6am and saw a message on my phone from Maria telling me that they got into an accident. Shit. Another car hit them as they were making a turn or something like that. The front of the car is totally smashed. But thank goodness that all of them are okay. Just some bruises here and there from the impact. Audrey had to go for an Xray today just to check if her leg's alrite. Apparently the police came and had to tow the car away. Damn. Made me think of the many times i've driven home not entirely sober and have been in cars where the driver was not totally sober. But at least everyone is alright. I was actually supposed to follow that car home too. What if i had been in the car as well? Jeebers... don't even wanna think bout that.

I'm now sitting in my room thanking God once again for looking out for me.